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  #11  
Old 06-06-2011, 09:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Erosa View Post
One of the quinessential qualities of romantic love is the risk of getting hurt.

*hugs*
The path to deeper connection and greater love for me is vulnerability. The more vulnerable I make myself the deeper my emotions become. This does increase the possibility of getting more seriously hurt. The person I love the most is the person I give the tools to hurt me beyond all others while trusting in my heart that they won't.

Vulnerability is the doorway to trust. Trust is the doorway to love.
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  #12  
Old 06-07-2011, 06:59 PM
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I guess what I'm wondering is where do I fit, or, more specifically, what do I want and how do I want to live.
I wonder this to this day... for different reasons than you at the moment, but still wonder... I think if you ever stop wondering then there is something a miss. At least I look at it that way. Keep at it!

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Originally Posted by Erosa View Post
One of the quinessential qualities of romantic love is the risk of getting hurt.

Granted, loving more people makes the odds of getting hurt go up, mathematically speaking.
Yes, yes it does... being overly vulnerable sometimes has the opposite effect in terms of love. Being selective is the key I think and then taking everyone else with a grain of salt and a sense of humour. That's another thought though...

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we fear losing lovers like we fear death. We put up illusions in our minds that the world is static, permanent, that if we can just get to that next part we'll finally be ok. But realty is constant change, so when we get there its not only different than we planned it, but the next change is already coming.
Scarcity vs. abundance concept... abundance is endless, scarcity is controlling and fear based.
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  #13  
Old 06-07-2011, 10:14 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

Scarcity vs. abundance concept... abundance is endless, scarcity is controlling and fear based.
Thanks, RP, ill have a little dig into that concept. Does this forum have a section that looks at the philosophies/science arising around poylamory? I do see lots of scattered discussion on what it means to people.
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  #14  
Old 06-08-2011, 12:31 AM
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no, as we philosophize about poly theory constantly all over the place on here... The general discussion section is built on theorizing really... you can do a tag search for "abundance" to find more and take if from there.
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  #15  
Old 06-08-2011, 09:41 AM
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Originally Posted by rory View Post
But I don't feel that, at least for now, I would have the energy or time for a third partner. Thus, I'm still not really able to act on it if/when I like somebody in the future (unless it seems that they do fit into my life at that point). Thus, I wouldn't consider myself available. Therefore, I'm pondering if I still should use my old techinque of trying to control my feelings if/when I meet somebody in the future whom I love, but whom I can't be in a relationship with (for any reason).
Me neither (for a fifth partner, but anyway)!

I think the key is the 'if they fit into my life at that point'. Unless it's a 'insane attraction at first sight' type of thing, most romantic relationships, and feelings, need time to grow, I think. So if you have enough time in your life to cultivate a friendship that ends up growing into something more, why suddenly you wouldn't have the time to cultivate a romantic relationship with the same person?

I'm no longer available (in the OKC sense at least ) in that I would be looking actively for more romantic entanglements, but trying to plan my love life has failed miserably before, so I'm no longer doing it.
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  #16  
Old 06-09-2011, 02:02 PM
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Have you ever fell for someone - maybe a crush, but lets limit it to a longer-lasting, more "meaningful" kind of feeling - while in a committed relationship - that in no way lessened or detracted for your feelings toward your current SO?

If so, that's being poly. Whether you act on it or not determnines whether or not you're "living" poly.

I have come to understand that many people fall for someone and it "flips a switch"; they no longer have meaningful attraction or interest in other potential partners. I guess that's being "mono".

I honestly thought that the former was normal and that white-knuckling your way through a relationship with all these other feelings flying around was just how it was - that's what commitment was, and it was a sacrifice everyone made in order to be with the "chosen one" as it were. I didn't know there were people for whom this was never a problem until I was introduced to poly - and came to learn that MY way of living was the unusual one (according to something I'm sure).

Once the possibility of not limiting my love arose, I have found it very difficult to concieve of living otherwise. As far as actual relationships go - well, they can be difficult, especially in such a "mono-centric" society. And the pain of loss is in no way mitigated - at least not for me - by having others (though it is nice to not go through it alone), something else I find that many "mono" types don't grasp; "but you have backups". How insulting on sooo many levels...

Anyway - if you feel you're limiting your love, you're a poly person "living mono". As I have come to see and understand it, mono's who've found their "one" don't seem to feel this way.

My loose change...
This is about the best damned summation of things from my perspective that I've ever heard another person utter.

The nice thing is that once I opened my mind to options outside of "pick one," I sloooowly began to see all aspects of poly as both relevant and possible for me. If "pick one" doesn't fit then there's a good chance "Pick one primary and have secondaries" may be a concept I outgrow in the future as well. I have done a lot of thought these past years with regards to liberty being a state of mind and therefore, totally under one's own control and a matter of one's internal "permission."

Give yourself permission to think logically and accurately about the cost/benefit/harm analysis of indulging your every need. Begin to see them as valid needs: You love your current partner but wowie! That person over there makes you feel fantastic and opens doors, windows or something for you that your wonderful current partner doesn't "get," not because he/she is lacking, but because her wonderfulness takes care of the other, equally important needs.

Let 'er rip.
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  #17  
Old 06-12-2011, 03:32 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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This kind of coincides with thoughts I've been throwing around about my fears about my partner having attractions and my own feelings. For me I seem to want to make everything about commitment. That's the big one for me. Attractions or love on it's own... Not so scary. But we have been taught that if these things don't come with commitment then they aren't really what we think they are. If so.. Then why would we vunerable over something that is smoke and mirrors. Why wouldn't we be afraid if everyone our significant other likes/admires/wants to fuck/ loves are going to be joining us on our death bed. I struggle visualizing anyone I feel a connection to leaving my life. The very thought seems unbearable. Trying to add my feelings plus his feelings and the fact that he or I may feel strongly opposed to the commitment that "must" come from those feeling, plus trying to align lives to fit this mold and all the juggling and sacrificing to get all our asses in that mold... It's down right exhausting.

So right now I am working on breaking love=life parnter. I've never casualy dated. It was always a relationship. I have had one night stands, but even with that I tried to sugar coat it and make it seem that I had feelings and wanted a relationship even when I didn't. Now I realize this is because I have this mindset that all things that equal love also should equal commitment.
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  #18  
Old 06-12-2011, 03:58 AM
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Originally Posted by stargazer23 View Post
This is about the best damned summation of things from my perspective that I've ever heard another person utter.


You love your current partner but wowie! That person over there makes you feel fantastic and opens doors, windows or something for you that your wonderful current partner doesn't "get," not because he/she is lacking, but because her wonderfulness takes care of the other, equally important needs
Its so nice to read about people 'getting it' in the same way. This forum rocks. Ahh communication technology, your definitely helping speed up our evolution/liberation!
to quote some old dude "you have to be the change you want to see in the world"....theres people here living up to that or working towards that, its good too see!
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  #19  
Old 06-13-2011, 02:17 PM
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Thank you for all the posts.

I've been thinking about this some more, and I think the concept of loving freely has started to sound a lot less frightening. It really helped just to write about it and analyse a bit more where the fear came from.

I read about the concept of fullness in another thread, and I find it useful. That's how I would describe myself at the moment: poly but full, i.e. not open for other romantic relationships. I do think it possible that this will change in the future, but right now I really just want to concentrate on the relationships I have now.

Oh, and I definitely agree with this!
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Its so nice to read about people 'getting it' in the same way. This forum rocks.
There is so much information and so much to think about here! So many concepts I find useful, not just in poly but in everyday life.
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  #20  
Old 06-17-2011, 04:52 PM
Idlovetwo Idlovetwo is offline
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I love this thread. It's like listening to my own feelings expressed by others.

Actually, I didn't realize *I* was poly until I saw *other* people were mono

I had always thought that monogamy was about controlling your feelings. I thought it was 'normal' to have a crush, even fall in love, with other people while you are in a mono relationship, and still love your partner. I thought that everybody had to deal with that.

Anyway, for me, it was more about controlling my *actions*, not my feelings, because I'm not capable of that - I feel what I feel. And if it's becoming 'dangerous', you should be strong or avoid seeing that person, right? But what if it's a workmate?, a flatmate?, a member of your friends group? You can't spend all your life running away from your own feelings. Anyway, I assumed every mono relationship was like that: struggle, or cheat.

Then I discovered that some people, for example my partner, are not wired that way. When they love a person, they don't fall in love any more. I don't know whether to be envious or not

But now that I know I'm poly, and I don't feel guilty about my feelings anymore, I don't try to control them at all. Although I should control my actions if the person is not available, of course.

I am happy with my two loves, but if/when one day I develop feelings for someone else, I should be able to tell my men about it. That would make any guilt go away, and I would enjoy my feelings, regardless if they can lead to a relationship or not (according to my/their circumstances).
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