Redpepper's journey

[Derbylicious]

Why does there only have to be one way to be a dominant woman? And why if you are dominant would you have to be dominant in every aspect of your life? I would think that would just end up wearing you out!

[Mohegan]

That's the issue with labels. As much as they make it easier to catagorize people. They do exactly that, stick people in boxes with the definition of whoever wrote it.

You are awesomely you and that is all you need to be. You don't need a book to tell you how dominate you are. You are you with your own personal recipe of traits, strengths and weaknesses.

[redpepper]

Thanks Sourgirl you hit the nail on the head with a couple of things there for me, for sure. I will attempt to have more perspective. I find its expected some how that I be a bitchy, demanding, whiny so and so who believes that everything should be my way or the highway... how does one attempt to veer people off that course if they already have their mind made up... I guess I can't and will continue to just be me and hope they notice the difference. If it challenges them to think I am dominant then likely that will be tested and I will either do what I always do and challenge their authority over me or blow them off.

What a great weekend. It started with some fancy organization to get Derby's husbands motorbike. He crashed it near our house and ended up in the hospital. He was okay, but had a broken foot. Hurray for thousands of dollars of protective gear!

Mono went to get his bike and we now have it sitting in our drive way until he decides what to do with it... it can sit there until the cows come home really. He won't be riding it for awhile. There is a lot of work to do on it to fix it up and he is out of commission.

Its been tiring for my Derby girl these past few days. The kids got shuffled off to the grandparents and Derby held things up will hubby went through surgery and got settled at home. Derby seems to of fractured a rib during a Derby boot camp last week and isn't in the best condition herself... sigh... I am hoping that she ended up having a restful day today and is feeling better tomorrow...

I am well into the next burlesque show that is coming up June 10th. I'm in two numbers, have one of my own and doing pick up! I'm even singing in one this time! I feel more confident than ever about it all and seem to get along great with the other women. I sometimes don't catch what we are doing though (don't hear what has been said) and don't have any ideas, whereas they are quick to come up with stuff. I end up having to ask them to repeat makes me feel old. I try to pay little attention to that and carry on listening really hard!

We had a really fun pub night last week that I hosted in terms of organizing it. I think upwards of 30 people came. I was concerned the staff at the pub would object to us moving tables and making ourselves comfy, but they didn't as far as I know. I try to stay out of it and blissfully unaware of stuff when I host an event. I hate micromanaging other peoples lives. I figure they are grown ups they can take care of it. It works quite well usually...

So I heard from my friend and we sorted it out. It turns out I hugged her too hard. Note taken, don't hug her so hard. I guess I was too excited when I saw her. It was more about boundary setting for her I think and that is fine. I wished she had said in the moment though rather than a half week later and after a couple of nights lost sleep because I was worrying. We sorted that out too.

PN had his first ever workshop on Saturday night. Mono and I went and were instructed on how we could help out making coffee, cutting up fruit and generally being support if need be. I was SO awesome to see PN shine while doing something he loves.

After an incredible 5 hours of process and reflection and everyone had left, we sat down together. I reflected on where this journey began for him and it was most definitely when I met Mono. He had tons of time to himself to do some self help and write... he now has a website the realized self, and has taken up meditating, is going on retreats to meditate, identifies more and more as a Buddhist and is starting to create these workshops from his reading and writing. Very exciting and DEFINITELY a plus in terms of our poly relationship and the vee we are in. We and he, couldn't of done any of it without Mono being in our lives.

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by redpepper

So I have been reading up on dominant women, of which I thought I was until I read... What I have been reading is more in general how dominant women can be identified a certain way such as the bitchy one at the office, or the woman that has to control everyone and everything and it just doesn't fit me. I am not that woman...

Is it my poly that just doesn't fit the D/s roles for me or me that doesn't fit the dom role correctly. Or am I missing something here?

Whoever wrote that is just plain wrong. One of my lovers, Harry, is an amaaaazing dom, just great at getting into your head and giving you almost-but-not-quite more than you can take, very commanding and nefarious and sexily cruel. And when he's not in that role he's just the nicest guy you could imagine, very helpful and considerate. He's Canadian, for goshsakes!

Being a dom has nothing to do with being a bitch/asshole. In fact, I think to be a really good dom you have to be extra-sensitive to other people's needs and feelings... that way, you know just how to manipulate and torture them WHEN YOU'RE SCENING... and it helps you be a better friend and partner in other ways the rest of the time.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

Being dominant certainly doesn't mean you need to be bitchy. Actually I'd think the bitchy ones are those who don't have the presence and need the bitching.
Not to mention, being dominant in the bedroom doesn't have to be reflected anywhere else. There is no reason to treat everybody the way you treat your sexual partners.

That.

And, RP, why precisely would you give a shit what other people think a Dominant woman is? You (with partner) my love define your relationships, not other people.

I'm not bitchy when it comes to my Dominance. Furthermore, there's no way I would be submissive to someone who was.

There is a presence that comes from within and if you have it-you have it and you don't have to flaunt it for show.

I'm not GG's Dom because I "act like it". I'm his Dom, because it's always been that way NATURALLY for us and it fits, something in him naturally submits to something in me that naturally steps up to take charge. Key word-take charge, not "control".

MUAH!

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

I would think that would just end up wearing you out!

YES MA'AM! I was thinking that too-EXHAUSTING, as if as mothers we don't have enough work?

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Being a dom has nothing to do with being a bitch/asshole. In fact, I think to be a really good dom you have to be extra-sensitive to other people's needs and feelings... that way, you know just how to manipulate and torture them WHEN YOU'RE SCENING... and it helps you be a better friend and partner in other ways the rest of the time.

Excellent post! I TOTALLY agree with you Annabel!

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Whoever wrote that is just plain wrong. . . . Being a dom has nothing to do with being a bitch/asshole. In fact, I think to be a really good dom you have to be extra-sensitive to other people's needs and feelings... that way, you know just how to manipulate and torture them WHEN YOU'RE SCENING

I got the sense from RP's post about that book that it wasn't written about D/s but about dominance as a personality trait. I thought that maybe she was taking what it said and looking at it through the context of her experience in BDSM - but maybe I'm wrong. Hey, RP, what book was it, btw? Maybe someone else here has read it and can offer another opinion of the stance it takes.

[redpepper]

Is poly really for me? Maybe not?

I sometimes wonder that myself. I mean, I think I am not really cut out for it in many ways. I feel like I am monogamous with the partners I have, if that makes sense? So does that make me poly still. The term doesn't seem to fit where anyone else is at most of the time.

Frankly, there is a lot more to life than poly and I am content to be settled in and doing other things. Does that make me less poly? I dunno... I wonder.

For me, poly is about enough love and enough sex, enough communication and openness and enough giving and receiving. At the end of the day, if that is all taken care of, what is there really to keep talking about or find out? Its a regurgitation of more of the same stuff, over and over....

If its enough, its enough and rather than continuing to clamor for more that I can't fit in anyway, then it makes me think that poly isn't for me... I guess because those I see around me are clamoring it seems and are poly... ? Poly seems to be a lot about clamoring... clamoring to understand, be accepted, to find others, etc....

I don't clamor to "get" anything right now, so it makes me feel un-poly. I feel accepted, understood, have found others.... its all good. In a sense, poly in the clamoring sense of it, is not for me.

I totally get why when a tribe settles in they disappear off the radar. It becomes so unimportant that I identify as poly and so much more important that I just get about the business of living that I become uninterested in paying attention to my community.

[Derbylicious]

Poly doesn't have to mean always in search of more and new and different. It doesn't make you any less poly because you are happy and settled. I imagine that a lot of people who are always clamouring for more and new and different who would envy you for being comfortable and content with what you have.

I understand what you're saying about having other things in life outside of poly. When people are just discovering poly it does seem that it takes up all of their thoughts. At the end of the day though why would your style of relationship take up any more of your thoughts than anyone elses'.

More isn't necessarily better. If you can't fit it in and don't want to fit it in all it's going to end up doing is taking away from what you already have. As it's been said before elsewhere, love might not have any limits but time certainly does.

Your needs are being met, that's what relationships (in any form they happen to take) are all about.

[redpepper]

So here we are, mid week of a long haul of 10 days or more of activity and I haven't stopped... until now.

I have missed much forumming lately, but that's okay, I needed a break anyway.

I don't have much to say other than I am completely un-trusting of anyone but my loves right now and completely used up in terms of giving. The gossip and endless drama of my community is more than I can bear right now it seems. As much as I try to avoid it, I remain an oasis in it all for some and it comes to me anyway. I love that I am trusted and seen as a break from it all, but it is taking a toll in many ways.

I again feel under appreciated by many and await the end of such feelings. I'm tired, really, really tired... like, to my very bones.... (for anyone who thinks that has to do with any of my loves... it absolutely doesn't... they are my rocks). So tired, I can't even write this anymore as there is such a huge flood gate that will open on many different levels I fear this isn't the place.

I will sit here, stare out the window.