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  #41  
Old 04-06-2011, 02:21 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
So... Did I hit rock bottom yesterday? I was tired of fighting to feel happy. The last couple weeks have been hard on me. I decided that the easiest thing to do was give in to sadness. I accepted that I was going to be sad, and it felt kind of... nice. Consistency was back. You can always get meds to fix it, right? Besides, poly is about filling holes (hahaha so punny), so Jen could just find somebody to fill anything I can't be. Seemed like a good plan. It was the easiest way to not be hurt, and Jen would be free to do what she wanted.

I got the kids yesterday, and when Jen got up, I was barely looking at her, much less talking. I felt pretty empty at that point [...] I'm feeling better now, but I keep feeling regret. How can I move forward, when all I want to do is go back? That was when I was strong, and happy. Now, I struggle with both at times.

Jen is looking for a counselor that we can go to together. I don't think I can get out of this on my own. Talking doesn't seem to help, and I keep going back to the same negative emotions. Hopefully a professional can help with that.
2 comments:

a) What you were writing about isn't sadness, it's depression: the not wanting to feel at all. Many of us have been through this, and it's not just poly-related. Yeah, sometimes it feels "nice" not to feel pain. But in the long term it really sucks! It hurt to read: "when Jen got up, I was barely looking at her" (partly because I've been there).

b) Good to read about the councelling, BUT. Make sure that it's the right councellor! Don't go for a poly-phobe. I know that you're hurting over this poly thing, but it really isn't going to help the situation if you get someone who says that Jen's wish for another relationship is an immature desire to escape from reality and from her responsibilities of being an adult: wife and mother (bla bla bla).

One of my exes had a therapist who told her that her continued use of a diminuitive as the name she used was a subconscious refusal to assume her maturity. I don't want to reveal her (or my) identity, so I'll use the names Jen (what a coincidence!) and Billy:

The person I'd fallen in love with as Jen comes home from therapy and announces that all this time she's been clinging to immaturity, that from now on - as a realised adult - she wants me to always call her Jennifer. I had no (almost no) problem with that, but when she added: "And from now on, you shouldn't let people call you Billy: your name is William."

Well, I knew that my [official] name is William. But I happen to like "Billy". So although I respected her wishes as far as her own name was concerned (and haven't called her Jen once since then), I am and remain Billy.

Therapists sometimes have their own hang-ups. [In fact, they always do: it's why they choose that job in the first place. TRUE FACT: Do you know the origin of the psychoanalyst's couch? It's because Freud was so uncomfortable looking people in the eye: By having them lie down... and him sitting behind their head, he didn't have to do so! Smart man! But soooo very untogether... Did you know that when he reported that almost all of his female patients had been the victims of sexual abuse (remember that these were women who sought treatment because they needed treatment - something had happened to them!) his colleagues made such fun of him that Freud retracted his report and invented his famous "fantasy" theory: that women invent sexual abuse because they really wish that they'd had sex with their fathers!]
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- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #42  
Old 04-06-2011, 02:34 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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I was going to add this to my last post, but that was getting long enough and I'd like you [Beodude] to concentrate on this very simple thing:

Many people who are having trouble with poly are worried that if their partner has a relationship with someone else, "that's it, Buddy, I'm gonna lose her (or him). She (or he) is gonna go off with The Other and leave me here on my lonesome."

I don't believe that you think that for one minute. You know that Jen would never leave you. (Or love somebody more than you.) And she never fails to say so.

So why aren't you feeling lucky?

(Silly question...)
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If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #43  
Old 06-01-2011, 03:04 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Been a long time since my last update! I'll probably try and put some thoughts down over the next few days.

I'm definitely in a lot better place than I was since my last post. I think my emotional wound is starting to heal up. I still am unsure of how I'll be able to go along with poly, and how it can fit in my life. There is a lot of jealousy issues that I need to work around. I think if I can work around that, it would be a good start.

One interesting thing did happen this week though. I kind of always think I've been bisexual, but I never really explored the thought. I always found women to be my preference, and it was the norm, so that's all there was to it. Well, there is a good friend of mine that comes over fairly often. I've confided my thoughts and struggles to him, and he's confided a lot of his own things with me as well. We've been good friends for a while. A month or so ago, when he was over, I was looking at him, and feelings deeper than friends started bubbling up a little bit. I took note of it, but kind of passed it off. Well, the other day he was over again, and the same feelings popped up again.


I told Jen about it, and she seemed supportive. We haven't talked about it a whooole lot, but she's been out of town, so I'm sure we will when she gets back. I thought of telling him that I was possibly bi, and he wasn't very surprised either. Haha. He seemed non-judgemental, and he said he still loves me (pretty much always said that). I didn't tell him I have feelings for him yet. He's married, and has two kids, and I'm pretty sure his wife wouldn't approve... Anyways, I kind of figured I'd let those stew a bit, and kind of figure out where I stand on the whole thing.


But once nice thing about this, is that it gives me some perspective I guess. Obviously I don't feel any different about Jen after my discovery.


Jen and I have been talking about a lot of different things, and we've found a lot of personal differences that we hadn't discovered before. So it's been a rough couple months, with a lot of changes (perceived anyways) in the relationship. But we're still strong, and I'm confident we can work through anything.
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  #44  
Old 06-01-2011, 04:25 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
I told Jen about it, and she seemed supportive. We haven't talked about it a whooole lot, but she's been out of town, so I'm sure we will when she gets back. I thought of telling him that I was possibly bi, and he wasn't very surprised either. Haha. He seemed non-judgemental, and he said he still loves me (pretty much always said that). I didn't tell him I have feelings for him yet. He's married, and has two kids, and I'm pretty sure his wife wouldn't approve... Anyways, I kind of figured I'd let those stew a bit, and kind of figure out where I stand on the whole thing.
The biggest thing for me, was allowing myself to admit that it's ok to love someone other than my husband (and vice versa). For so many years I think I alway held a piece of myself back because, I was married, I wasn't supposed to have these feelings of love for friends, even if the relationship is and forever will be platonic. Allowing myself the freedom to love also allowed me to accept and encourage my husbands relationship with his bff (non-sexual partner ). This stripped alot of my jealousy away.
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  #45  
Old 06-02-2011, 10:52 AM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
Jen and I have been talking about a lot of different things, and we've found a lot of personal differences that we hadn't discovered before. So it's been a rough couple months, with a lot of changes (perceived anyways) in the relationship. But we're still strong, and I'm confident we can work through anything.
[my boldfacing]

Dude, I take off my hat, fling it on the ground, and stomp on it for you.
hug!
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #46  
Old 06-02-2011, 12:25 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Ha! You make me laugh, in a good way of course.


So, it's been a pretty introspective couple of days for me. I'm teaching myself a lot (more) self honesty. Thinking back on some of my own experiences, I've forced my feelings to conform to the norm. I think on a lot of levels I was doing it subconsciously with the bi thing?

Either way, when I was thinking about things that could have been, I almost regretted some of the connections that I had to break off because of the norm. So this brings me to Jen's poly, and I can't very well deny her that anymore. Having looked deep down, I believe I'm ready for what happens. I have definitely gotten a lot of perspective in the last couple days, that's for sure.

I'll have to work a lot on the jealousy thing, but I bet it won't be as bad as I thought.




Aaaaand the good news! Jen gets home today! Woo woo!
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  #47  
Old 06-04-2011, 01:07 AM
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Well, all of this makes me grin ear to ear. I'm very proud of you babe, for taking the time and thought to look inside yourself and your past, and present, feelings.

At the same time, I'm still hesitant. I'm afraid it will backfire, like it did before. I don't want to hurt you again, even if by accident.

I am really enjoying watching you learn about yourself, and C as well. I just worry that you don't feel the same when it comes to me. Especially because I know what I want, and I know you don't like it. I'll admit it.. I'm skeered.

I suppose it's all a part of ripping the bandaid off. I have my own wounds from the past several months and in time they will heal as well.

Love you
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  #48  
Old 06-06-2011, 01:29 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, all of this makes me grin ear to ear. I'm very proud of you babe, for taking the time and thought to look inside yourself and your past, and present, feelings.
Sounds like good progress, indeed.

Quote:
At the same time, I'm still hesitant. I'm afraid it will backfire, like it did before. I don't want to hurt you again, even if by accident.
As per the discussion of feelings on your thread, Jen, how about I reformat your last statement here, where we understand people are responsible for their own feelings?

"I don't want you to feel hurt again, even if by accident."

Now, can we prevent our loved ones from ever feeling hurt, ever again, in this life? No f-ing way! Life on this plane, this planet, is so hard, it's full of pain... We probably feel hurt in one way or another, every day, whether it's a stubbed toe, or something much more serious, such as a serious illness, or some kind of tragedy.

As sensitive respectful people, we can honor each others' feelings, and be aware of them, and allow them space to feel their feelings, without feeling responsible to not "hurt them," ever again! "You always hurt the ones you love..." : common expression, but the meaning is, those that are near you, that you are intimate with, are open to being hurt AND supported, nurtured and entertained when in proximity to you. That is the goal, and cost, of intimacy.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #49  
Old 06-06-2011, 02:52 PM
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More love = More karma! The good AND the bad

I like what I'm reading -- admiring all the hard work you're doing, Beo and Jen
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  #50  
Old 06-07-2011, 02:14 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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I'm still having a hard time with Jen's desire for extra sex. I'm still on with it, since I think I just need to let go.... But I have a hard time signing onto something like that, when I feel unsatisfied (quantity wise) at times. I know Jen said it would make her hornier, so I guess I'll just wait and see for that. I know it's not quantity or quality for her, so what is it?

I'm starting to teach myself to let go of some fear. Like, I've been telling myself that it's not the last time we'll have sex, or if she is texting on her phone around me, and jealousy starts popping up, I tell myself that I didn't have anything to talk about anyways. Thinking about the situation with S, sometimes I get jealous about what they have, but then I think about what I have with Jen, and it goes away. I know he is jealous of it... Haha




So something I've been seeing on here, is the ownership of feelings. I understand the sentiment, and agree with it to a point. To me though, it seems to get tossed around here as a "get out of jail free" card. I don't care what you say, your actions have consequences. Saying that you were trying to be nice as possible when you broke boundaries or something like that, but your feelings aren't my fault. Come on, give me a break. Pretty sure I'm going to get bashed for this, but whatever. It's how I feel.

On that note though, I can only say super good things about Jen. She's been incredibly supportive, understanding, and for once in her life, patient. I think she's done an awesome job of balancing ownership, with support and everything. Love you babe!
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