poly imposter?

[Alan7388]

I'd say, tell him "I'd like to see if we can salvage this relationship together. What I'm going to need, if we do it, is new level for us of trust, transparency, and a willingness to give and receive communication fearlessly." (Practice saying this to a mirror.) See if he follows through. If not, move on.

> ...who I thought was open to us pursuing an
> open relationship at some point as he is much older
> than I am.

WTF? How does A imply B here? What on Earth was your assumption? Examine what else you may be falsely assuming, and why.

Best wishes,

Alan M.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by Alan7388

WTF? How does A imply B here? What on Earth was your assumption? Examine what else you may be falsely assuming, and why.

Exactly. I don't think it's fair to call the guy a "poly imposter" just because you assumed he is poly and willing to work with you on that, and he turned out not to be.

So far, I haven't seen any evidence that this man mislead the OP, or "pretended" to be "poly", except in the OP's mind.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by jenniferjuniper

... he seemed to shy away from frank discussion.

Red flag--aversion to communication.

He told me he wanted to break up.

I hesitate to say this is a red flag because, well, he dumped you. That sort of ends things.

Then he told me he still loves me, is attracted to me, etc. etc.

Red flag--wildly manipulative behavior.

Since that night he's emailed me just about everyday but won't discuss the other relationship with me.

Red flag--do you really need somebody else to point out how dysfunctional this is?

Am I overreacting?

I'd say you're grossly underreacting. Why haven't you washed your hands of his bullshit and walked on?

[jenniferjuniper]

Thanks for the advice. I am moving forward with extreme caution. To clarify, didn't think he was into poly because he is older- I should have edited that out. I know, it doesn't make any sense. I thought he was interested in getting into poly at some point because a couple of his close friends are into polyamory AND he frequently brought up that fact and wanted to know what I felt about it. But of course it doesn't necessarily follow from there that he is into poly or even knows what he wants. I concur that his behavior is pretty bad/ immature/ selfish at the moment but I think everyone is entitled to at least one major relationship F- up, so we shall see.

[Erosa]

Reading your original post, I bet you have one of two things going on here.

Either you got ahold of a woman-hating jerk who really just wants to have the adoration of NRE from as many women as possible.

Or you have a genuinely poly man who has been indoctrinated to believe that having multiple loves is impossible and/or immoral.

Actually, it could also be both of these problems.


Either way, it is probably a deep seeded fact of his psychology. You're not likely to change him.

I have to tell clients all the time "if you dont like him just the way he is, don't stay with him. Men don't (usually) change"