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  #81  
Old 06-02-2011, 11:54 PM
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Just read through all this, and I wanted to say that it's really great to be able to read a blog from a perspective like yours, especially from someone who things seem to be going so well for!

I'm actually quite surprised that Eric hasn't made a move for sexual contact apart from Gia - if she's not feeling sexy, he must be feeling preeeety frustrated by now.

I'd also like to echo previously mentioned sentiments with a Liz Lemmon, "I want to has that". Eric and Gia are exceptionally lucky, and so are you.
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  #82  
Old 06-06-2011, 05:58 AM
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Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
If you're not careful, I'm going to slap my "Grannie J's Patented Mirror Cure Against Inferiority-Complexes And Self-Doubt" on you...
Oh, no inferiority complexes here, don't worry... I think I'm totally awesome, I really do. I enjoy my own company, I recognize my worth, etc.

I think I come off extra doubt-y here because the situation I'm in lends itself to insecurities. I love a woman who has a primary that's not me who she's devoted to and can acknowledge publicly to her family and co-workers. We can't begin to guess what the next year will bring for us. AND I've got this unrequited love thing going on for her husband! This is the place where I let out all of my worries related to these things.

I've been feeling extra secure lately, though, as it happens. Things have been good. I went on vacation for just under a week, and when I came back Gia had emailed me saying that she missed me and had been reminded of me while I was gone. When I saw her, at the beginning of last week, we had a chill evening together and then shared a lingering kiss when I left.

Her co-workers threw a surprise baby shower for her at the end of the week and one of them, who's met me before and knows that she and I are close, sent me an invite. I was a little nervous... once I surprised her by stopping at her work around lunchtime and she seemed kinda nonplussed. And she's not out to her co-workers about being poly. But I went anyway, and she was so SO happy to see me!! In front of everyone she was like "OMG it's Anna, yay Anna!!!", all surprised and pleased and demonstrative. The shower itself was totally cute, and Eric was there too.

So, all is pretty darn well on that front. Things are going craaaaazy in the rest of my emotional life. More on that in the next post.
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  #83  
Old 06-06-2011, 06:38 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Things have come to a head with Davis. He took me out to dinner Friday night and we had a big talk about our past and our future. The next night we had an hour and a half long phone conversation, and we talked some more today. He finally read those mono/poly articles I sent him.

He wants to form a relationship with me... not just the friends-with-benefits-who-also-love-each-other thing that we've been doing but a primary partnership complete with negotiated terms. It's been tough for him... he might seem like a liberal whacko to mainstream society, but to our community he's a traditional, monogamously-oriented guy with little to no exposure to healthy poly relationships or poly ideas. Since first broaching the topic of the two of us trying to date again he's put a lot of effort into coming to terms with the foreign-feeling idea of polyamory, and has come a long way in beginning to understand and accept it.

Like many guys, he's more comfortable with the idea of me being with another woman than the idea of me being with another man. He says that he can accept me being with Gia but that the idea of me being with Eric is much harder for him. I've explained to him that they're pretty much a package deal, and he says he is willing to keep an open mind about that.

But what about Harry (you all remember Harry, right? I mentioned him fleetingly way back, we've been casual lovers for about six months now), or any other potential male lovers? Well, that's something that Davis and I would have to work out if/when we have The Talk. The Talk is what I've been terming the negotiation process that will have to come before we can have a functional relationship. I say "if/when" because I am genuinely at a loss as to whether or not I WANT a relationship with Davis again... part of me really does, part of me thinks it's a terrible plan and will result in me feeling trapped. My biggest fear is that I'll have to leave him again and that it'll be just as hard the second time as it was the first time. Right now we are giving each other some space as I wrestle with the question of whether or not I am ready to have The Talk.

A bit of an aside, but very relevant... it's funny, I had thought that my sexy-fun-times with Harry were totally un-serious. But the last couple of times we've been together, there's been more and more of a vibe developing between us. I think it could potentially develop into something very positive and emotional, yet open (he's quite poly and has no desire to tie me down). Plus, the sex is soooo goooood.

Now that I'm faced with the prospect of having to set terms with Davis, terms that might need to include something like "no dudes except for Eric, at least not for, say, a year" I find that I'm pretty distraught over the idea of setting Harry aside. I have a couple of other casual friends-with-benefits that I've been hooking up with every now and then, and I have no qualms about the idea of cutting them loose, but Harry... I don't want to lose Harry. But if I want to try to make things work with Davis, I need to be willing to compromise... he's already compromising so much just by agreeing to try to live a lifestyle that feels completely alien to him (that is to say, dating me whilst I also date Gia).

Which brings us back to the question, do I even *want* to date Davis seriously again???? *sigh* It would certainly be easier if I didn't. Things would be a hell of a lot easier if I just said "no, let's not do this, it's not going to work." I wouldn't have to worry about trying to ease him into a place of greater comfort with Gia and Eric. I wouldn't have to worry about losing Harry, or about feeling confined when it comes to the potential of other loves. I wouldn't have to worry about dealing with Davis's crazy sister.

So, why am I even considering this? Simply put, I love him. He's a sweet, intelligent, competent, considerate, passionate dude. He has strong convictions, yet he's willing to be flexible and to consider other points of view. Moreover, we *get* each other in a way that's immensely valuable to me. Not many people can silently understand where you're at in a variety of circumstances, but he and I share enough of a vibe and enough history that we are almost always on the same wavelength. I hate the idea of losing him in my life. But I'm not so naive as to think that love is always enough.

Any advice would be greatly welcome.
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  #84  
Old 06-06-2011, 06:41 AM
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Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
Just read through all this, and I wanted to say that it's really great to be able to read a blog from a perspective like yours, especially from someone who things seem to be going so well for!

I'm actually quite surprised that Eric hasn't made a move for sexual contact apart from Gia - if she's not feeling sexy, he must be feeling preeeety frustrated by now.

I'd also like to echo previously mentioned sentiments with a Liz Lemmon, "I want to has that". Eric and Gia are exceptionally lucky, and so are you.
Thank you!! Yep, I definitely appreciate how lucky I am. As for Eric, I guess he must respect his wife's feelings as much as I do.
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  #85  
Old 06-06-2011, 11:06 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I say "if/when" because I am genuinely at a loss as to whether or not I WANT a relationship with Davis again...
The fact that you're unsure whether or not you want a relationship with him says to me that maybe it's not a good idea?

That said, if you do decide on a relationship, why not negotiate for Harry? I mean, you're willing to set aside casual lovers, but you have something more, even if it's undefined, with Harry. I can potentially see how a mono person might dismiss Eric from "counting" towards your desire to be with other men, because he is part of the package with Gia. And then when you are interested in another man, the whole thing could blow up. Sort of like a married woman whose boyfriend gets upset when she wants to date another man? The husband was part of the package and accepted when they started dating ...

Also, when is Gia due?? (Sorry if you've already mentioned this!)
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  #86  
Old 06-06-2011, 12:17 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Now that I'm faced with the prospect of having to set terms with Davis, terms that might need to include something like "no dudes except for Eric, at least not for, say, a year" I find that I'm pretty distraught over the idea of setting Harry aside. I have a couple of other casual friends-with-benefits that I've been hooking up with every now and then, and I have no qualms about the idea of cutting them loose, but Harry... I don't want to lose Harry. But if I want to try to make things work with Davis, I need to be willing to compromise... he's already compromising so much just by agreeing to try to live a lifestyle that feels completely alien to him (that is to say, dating me whilst I also date Gia).

Which brings us back to the question, do I even *want* to date Davis seriously again???? *sigh* It would certainly be easier if I didn't. Things would be a hell of a lot easier if I just said "no, let's not do this, it's not going to work." I wouldn't have to worry about trying to ease him into a place of greater comfort with Gia and Eric. I wouldn't have to worry about losing Harry, or about feeling confined when it comes to the potential of other loves. I wouldn't have to worry about dealing with Davis's crazy sister.

So, why am I even considering this? Simply put, I love him. He's a sweet, intelligent, competent, considerate, passionate dude. He has strong convictions, yet he's willing to be flexible and to consider other points of view. Moreover, we *get* each other in a way that's immensely valuable to me. Not many people can silently understand where you're at in a variety of circumstances, but he and I share enough of a vibe and enough history that we are almost always on the same wavelength. I hate the idea of losing him in my life. But I'm not so naive as to think that love is always enough.

Any advice would be greatly welcome.
OK, you asked for this...

Is keeping Davis on a no-sex, STRONG-platonic-love basis going to acceptable [to both of you]? You write that he's willing to compromise. And seem to think that that means that you should be willing to compromise as well. But what he'd be compromising on would be trying to come to terms with his feelings of jealousy and possessiveness and with the fact that you are a free person, who SHOULD be allowed to live her sexuality freely. What would you be compromising? Well, exactly what I've mentioned in that last sentence.

Frankly, it doesn't seem like a fair deal to me. Think about it:
He gives up fear and jealousy (and in so doing, grows as a person) - You give up freedom and autonomy (and in so doing, shrink as a person).

You're willing to give up the casual boyfriends. [I, personally would balk at that on principle, but it's your call.] Just remember that Harry used to be a casual boyfriend.

Harry allows you to be YOU and is poly-friendly. [AND the sex is sooo goooooood!]. Davis loves you but wants you to be somebody else. If you had to choose between these two, which one would do you better in the short AND long term??? Do I need to ask? [Did you ever read "The Princess Who Stood On Her Own Two Feet", or did I link to that wonderful story on 2 other threads? Check it out!]

A tiny little hug,
your Grannie J.
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And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
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I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
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  #87  
Old 06-06-2011, 01:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Now that I'm faced with the prospect of having to set terms with Davis, terms that might need to include something like "no dudes except for Eric, at least not for, say, a year" I find that I'm pretty distraught over the idea of setting Harry aside. I have a couple of other casual friends-with-benefits that I've been hooking up with every now and then, and I have no qualms about the idea of cutting them loose, but Harry... I don't want to lose Harry. But if I want to try to make things work with Davis, I need to be willing to compromise... he's already compromising so much just by agreeing to try to live a lifestyle that feels completely alien to him (that is to say, dating me whilst I also date Gia).
Oh my lordy, why would you even consider doing that (give up Harry) ??!!

Your compromises don't need to be so bleak. Davis may have the right to ask for that, but you don't have to acquiesce. Your compromise might simply be limiting the frequency you see him, to find a way to include him in your schedule but -- why do you think it is necessary to give Davis so much say in your life? As I said in your other thread about whether a second time with the same person can work, it's a NEW relationship and you two are different people.

He has already told you he wants to be your primary, but maybe you don't need a primary. Maybe you like it just the way it is. I don't think it's fair for Davis to come in and expect to assert himself as a major part of your life after all the personal growth work and investment you've made with Gia and Eric.

Do you still have insecurities about your place in G & E's lives that you feel drawn to Davis more? As if it's a sure thing? Don't be duped by your fears into something that would squash who you are!

I said in your other thread that a relationship redux can work BUT I strongly feel you should not give up so much that makes you happy for an idea of something with Davis. You should not be basing your compromises on old memories, or the former relationship. He has to start all over again, just like everyone else in your life had to start at the beginning.

Please rethink this willingness you have to hand over the reins to Davis!!! It doesn't look like even a remotely good idea from over here.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-06-2011 at 02:04 PM.
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  #88  
Old 06-06-2011, 01:55 PM
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Okay, so Indie was firmer than me, but for the record, that's pretty much my view from over here.
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  #89  
Old 06-06-2011, 02:01 PM
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Okay, so Indie was firmer than me, but for the record, that's pretty much my view from over here.
Leave it to the Noo Yawka to come on too strong!
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  #90  
Old 06-08-2011, 03:30 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
The fact that you're unsure whether or not you want a relationship with him says to me that maybe it's not a good idea?

That said, if you do decide on a relationship, why not negotiate for Harry?

...

Also, when is Gia due?? (Sorry if you've already mentioned this!)
Good points. A number of my other friends have brought up the "lack of clarity might mean this is not the right time for this" issue. And I certainly can try to negotiate for Harry, I just don't know if it'd be a dealbreaker... and I still don't even know if I want to *try* to make a deal, so... yeah. *sigh*

Gia is due in early July. She's GIGANTIC now, for serious. I can hardly believe that it's real when I look at her gigantic tummy.
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