Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-03-2011, 02:33 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by muse4 View Post
[I].........
So it was jaring to see his post. If that is what he wants, it seems he has a responsibility to tell me that he is seeking/having casual sex otherwise I don't really know what I'm agreeing to. (especially if he did set up the start of the relationship that he wouldn't be having sex with anybody he wasn't involved with.)
Muse,

So it's good that it came out/got discovered when it did. Because as TruckerPete mentions - safety is what it really comes down to and THAT needs to be discussed fully.

One of the hard things - at least for me conceptually - is that when someone is declaring poly it almost goes without saying that there will be the "potential" for what's referred to as 'casual sex'. Because for a true poly - many at least - there may be no such thing (casual). Every sexual event has the POTENTIAL for more. There may be some gender imbalance here also. I think as a rule, men tend to weight the sexual part of a relationship heavier and therefore determining the sexual compatibility early on becomes more of a priority.
This in-depth type of discussion rarely happens - especially in the very early parts of a relationship. There's SO many other things to discuss !
So I think early conversations that can focus on what is safe and acceptable behavior can be the lead-in to some of these deeper and more exposing discussions. Seems that's whre you are now..........

GS
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-03-2011, 07:44 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

I was wondering if you had seen similar ads before and had some reaction to them. Like disust perhaps? Maybe it has been alarming because you had some judgement of men such as him previous to meeting him?
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-04-2011, 09:00 PM
muse4 muse4 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 6
Default It's better--here's an update

You've all been wonderful. Thank you for your responses--you really helped me sort through what I was upset about which boils down to trust, consent, and safety (health.) In fact, you were so helpful, he and I were able to have a very long talk Thursday evening that led to a deeper level of understanding, emotional risk-taking, and intimacy. It wasn't easy but we both came away feeling like we had been heard and a sense of mutual admiration. We're both uneasy about moving forward and understand there's more to talk about.

Turns out that his initial response to me was more of a defensive maneuver. Thursday evening he admitted that he's been having trouble with the fact that I've been seeing other people (I use safe sex practices, btw), he's been jealous and doesn't like to see himself that way. Instead of talking it out with me (because he didn't want to admit the jealousy to himself or me) he sought to "even the score" so to speak and releasing some anger by posting on the kink site. (It takes a hell of a lot to admit that and I love him for it.)

Because I talk about platonic male friends and penpals in addition to people I'm dating, he imagined I was seeing more people than I really am! I was happy to have the chance to clear that up for him. He did come across as judgmental about a few things however, and he seems to have some residual anger, so that is a concern.

A well-timed appointment with my therapist Freud also helped me figure out why I was so upset. It was a D/s scene that my boyfriend and I had over last weekend, we ventured into new territory for us... we didn't pay enough attention to "aftercare" and I felt more exposed, vulnerable, and less contained than I usually am.

I'm coming away from this with a great deal more self knowledge and a better understanding of what I need to do and ask for to feel safe in both the poly world and in D/s play. There are so many layers of deep psychological significance for both of us in what happened, all I can say is Wow! Isn't being human an amazingly messy and exciting trip?!!!

Not sure what will happen with us but I do know that I really admire him and don't regret anything.

-Muse
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-04-2011, 09:10 PM
muse4 muse4 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 6
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I was wondering if you had seen similar ads before and had some reaction to them. Like disust perhaps? Maybe it has been alarming because you had some judgement of men such as him previous to meeting him?
hi--i can see by re-reading my first post how you might think that but no, it's not it. I'm on alt, for example, and am very open minded. (Other things open too but I should keep this clean) I explain more about the overupset in a longer response.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-04-2011, 09:25 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,373
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by muse4 View Post
A well-timed appointment with my therapist Freud also helped me figure out why I was so upset. It was a D/s scene that my boyfriend and I had over last weekend, we ventured into new territory for us... we didn't pay enough attention to "aftercare" and I felt more exposed, vulnerable, and less contained than I usually am.
I just hope that you're not chalking your reaction off as simply a response to the D/s stuff, in a way that would minimize what you felt. Your upset was genuine and I think anyone would have been affected if they found that ad after being under the impression he wasn't into or looking for casual sex. Now, did he have any takers, I wonder?

Also, I find it more than a bit perturbing that he did such a thing in anger AND that he claims to have been poly for 20+ years yet doesn't want you to see anyone else. That seems rather possessive and hypocritical on his part. Is he a sexist only into OPP (one penis policy)? I see some SERIOUS red flags here!!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 06-04-2011, 10:26 PM
muse4 muse4 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 6
Default yup, i see the flags too

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I just hope that you're not chalking your reaction off as simply a response to the D/s stuff, in a way that would minimize what you felt. Your upset was genuine and I think anyone would have been affected if they found that ad after being under the impression he wasn't into or looking for casual sex. Now, did he have any takers, I wonder?

Also, I find it more than a bit perturbing that he did such a thing in anger AND that he claims to have been poly for 20+ years yet doesn't want you to see anyone else. That seems rather possessive and hypocritical on his part. Is he a sexist only into OPP (one penis policy)? I see some SERIOUS red flags here!!
thanks, I really appreciate the validation. Not trying to minimize--but to understand why I had an over-reaction (I was pretty unglued.) I'm still leery and being cautious. I see the red flags too--he's not necessarily OPP, but I think he's more sexist than he would admit. And/Or this is new to him--his other partners have tended to have a lower libido than I and were satisfied with one partner at a time. (he's had a couple of long-term "V"s over the years) Damn that double-standard that haunts women everywhere!

The anger does puzzle me but he does have trouble with "conflict" as he puts it, so maybe the anger was building as he was avoiding talking to me? Not sure. When we talked the other night he seemed to be uncharacteristically judgmental about my "choices" about others but I wonder if his ego was bruised. Like I said, he's not used to the woman having an equal or greater sex drive.

Lots more for us to explore if he's willing. If he's not, then I know what I have to do.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 06-05-2011, 06:19 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

I'm glad to hear that honest and open communication has helped... its so easy to fall into the "evening the score" thing sometimes, rather than investigating what is really going on. Fear. It's all fear based me thinks... funny cause once that hurdle of fear is gotten over, there is usually good stuff on the other side.. more love, more understanding... it sounds like you have the beginnings of something lovely with this man if he is willing to look at his anger and continue on the path you have started.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
dishonesty, double standards

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:31 PM.