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  #31  
Old 10-06-2009, 11:13 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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very true ceoli, there isn't enough info.... we had a good conversation on what we did have though!

I feel better, do you feel better? heh.
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  #32  
Old 10-07-2009, 12:31 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Thank you Ceoli, you just saved me a ton of typing! There's more to it even still, but at least you ade the point I've been choking on all afternoon; namely that there has been in this thread a lot of judgement 3 times removed on cheating once removed, lol.
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  #33  
Old 10-07-2009, 12:33 AM
dearprudence dearprudence is offline
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Wow! I'm sorry I haven't logged on until now These posts have been very helpful. Mostly to converse with others who have a strong opinion on the subject and are able to say why. I don't look at my situation as having a right and a wrong. I know what feels right for me, and I want my husband to feel the same way I do about things that are important to me. But he won't always feel the same, and neither will I. I don't want veto power, unless our safety is at risk, or something like that. M is also jealous and very possessive after only 5 months. VERY possessive. For me, that's enough to cool down or end a relationship. And that's precisely the reason why I don't want to insert myself. The two of them have quite a few things to work out. They care for each other and they have to decide where they go from here. It's a little too easy for me to offer my opinion and wisdom If I don't like what she's doing, if it makes me uncomfortable, if I think it will have a negative ripple effect, all I can do is state my feelings and concerns, and distance myself. Honestly, I don't see this relationship going much further for quite a few reasons. But C's not ready to give up on it yet. We talk about it but we're not fighting about it. If M refuses to come clean to her boyfriend, and wants to move forward with C and take bigger steps, then we may start fighting about it (Maybe that doesn't warrant a smilie)
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  #34  
Old 10-07-2009, 12:35 AM
dearprudence dearprudence is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
Thank you Ceoli, you just saved me a ton of typing! There's more to it even still, but at least you ade the point I've been choking on all afternoon; namely that there has been in this thread a lot of judgement 3 times removed on cheating once removed, lol.
So easy to fall into the trap
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  #35  
Old 10-07-2009, 12:51 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by dearprudence View Post
So easy to fall into the trap
If someone airs their laundry on a public forum, they are obviously interested in what people have to say. People are going to answer according to whatever their own experience has led them to. This "judging" is a quasi-religious cop-out "You don't have the RIGHT to JUDGE, only GOD has the RIGHT to JUDGE" and if someone doesn't buy into that, then they have every "right to judge" because we don't have the power to send other people to hell or to prison. So this "judging" is simply an academic/intellectual standpoint that has no real validity unless the recipient chooses to allow it to be so.

People are actually doing [you] a FAVOR by "judging" [you]. If I "judge" [you] and [you] take it upon [yourself] as such, it ain't ME "falling into a trap". I can say whatever and [YOU] are the one who can take it or leave it.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 10-07-2009 at 12:54 AM.
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  #36  
Old 10-07-2009, 12:54 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
People are actually doing you a FAVOR by "judging" you. If I "judge" you and you take it upon yourself as such, it ain't ME "falling into a trap". I can say whatever and YOU are the one who can take it or leave it.
Unless you're being judged in a conversation that you're being left out of.
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  #37  
Old 10-07-2009, 01:08 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Unless you're being judged in a conversation that you're being left out of.
That isn't the problem of the folks DOING the "judging".

THEY aren't the ones who left her out.

As far as I'm concerned, I'd be "judging" according to the information available to me. It is not as though MY "judging" has the power to DO anything TO anyone.

(I'm going back into the first-person because it's easier, but I'm still using the Royal We)

I'm not the one who has the responsibility to the one being left out. I'm just participating in a discussion and placing myself in an "If I were you/ if it were me" perspective. If the "left out" person were to come on and say "hey yo, it ain't like that, here's MY side of it all" then I would re-evaluate my "judging". But what are we supposed to do, sit here and say "Hm, yeah, interesting situation, but I'm afraid we can't say anything about it unless you bring all the people involved to the forum so we can have all points of view fairly represented." Then you would have to bring the boyfriend-who-has-no-clue on the forum as well, in order to be FAIR.

"Judging" someone on an internet forum isn't the same thing as violating someone's civil rights.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 10-07-2009 at 01:11 AM.
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  #38  
Old 10-07-2009, 01:13 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
"Judging" someone on an internet forum isn't the same thing as violating someone's civil rights.
Agreed. "Judging" on an internet forum is merely offering an opinion based upon limited information and limited perspectives. I just think it's good to remember the limits of the usefulness of that (next to the usefulness of it).
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  #39  
Old 10-07-2009, 01:23 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Agreed. "Judging" on an internet forum is merely offering an opinion based upon limited information and limited perspectives. I just think it's good to remember the limits of the usefulness of that (next to the usefulness of it).

Oh definitely! I never intended to imply that this "judging people" is supposed to be some sort of denouement to a whole situation. While people who ask questions or seek opinions must be prepared to get back whatever they get back from the public audience, the converse is true of those doing the "judging" - it says more about the judge than the judged.

I think that's a "converse"? or is it an "inverse"?

Gee I hope that made sense. I think it did, I read it back to myself, but maybe I should stop replying now.

[/hijack]
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  #40  
Old 10-07-2009, 01:29 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by violet View Post
I can understand what you're saying here. I guess my feeling on the matter, to bring the thread on topic for a sec, is that the husband needs to set ground rules based on his wife's NEEDS, and based on her morals and values. There is a NEED for those to be respected.

IMO, there is not a NEED for her husband to be in the relationship with the other girl. There isn't a NEED for him and the girlfriend to be making the wife uncomfortable. There is not a NEED for the other girl to be lying, or to be complicating things in such a manner. Did that make sense? I feel like a total bitch for saying that... lol
Actually it makes PERFECT sense-cause that was my point. NEEDS should be prioritized across the board, and it sounds like maybe wants are being prioritized over the wifes needs.....
I was trying to express it without using the exact reference of this situation because I think that it's a bigger picture then JUST cheating. It should encompass ALL parts of the relationship in my opinion. A person's psychological well-being IS a need, not a want. But a person's getting off with someone specific or with someone at all is a want. I might need to get off, but I don't NEED TO GET OFF WITH THAT PERSON.

And I didn't think you sounded like a bitch at all!
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