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  #21  
Old 05-20-2011, 02:42 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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I am angry and sad and lonely and hurt and I can't fucking stand it.

Even now, having given myself permission to just let it all out, to purge my soul and hopefully my mind, I find myself unable to let it flow. There's a blockage that physically hurts.

I wrote this 6 months ago:

I sit on the edge of the bed
Pain swirling all around me
You tell me to breathe, just breathe and let it go

I am in a maelstrom of pain, no matter which way I walk or what direction I take, the pain is there buffeting against me, tightening further and further on my skin and body and heart.

Breathe, you say. Tell me what's wrong.

Tears dripping down my face, snot running from my nose, my breath hitches and sobs tear from my body as I gasp and force from my lungs that I am in pain. That I hurt and no matter how much I try to wrench my soul away from the shattering pain, it finds me again and again and again in your actions... and I cannot heal, I cannot breathe, I cannot escape that which is breaking me.

I will not make you choose. I will continue to ask for more time, more space and hope that this time, this time, oh my god please this time, we will get it, because I am drowning in pain.

Let me protect you, you say. Let me make it better. I will fix it, I will make the pain go away.

And so I look up at you, trusting that this time, this time the pain will stop. If not stop, will lessen, ease up, that the tightening on my heart will relax enough to breathe again.

And then it gets worse.

Heart breaking, soul shattering pain as you throw words like arrows that pierce my heart, rendering me unable to breathe, wishing to to back in time to the maelstrom of pain that was so much more bearable than this. And I break into nothingness. I can see myself shattered all around me and all there is is white hot, searing cold numbing pain. Everything I am, every pore, every cell, every nerve is both burning and frozen and unable to do anything but react to the pain.

I force myself one final time to reach out, to attempt a walk to where the pain will let me breathe and again trust you even as you are shattering me.

And you hear me. For one brief, glorious moment, you hear me, and our world tilts back into place and I see that I can trust you, that the pain will heal, that together we can rebuild that which is broken and heal the shattered pieces of our lives.

And I have hope. I have the hope that we will finally be given the time we need to heal, that the wounds won't be broken open over and over and over and over by the sound of a bicycle bell.

I am wrong so far, but I still hope. I hope because you are here with me.

There is a part of you that is not accessible to me. Never before have we not shared everything, but this is a neccessary seperation that I am willing to endure, despite the pain it causes. I must endure it, for only in the separation can you heal from your maelstrom of pain, can you build back from your soul shattering, nerve searing, brokenness.

So I hope, that we will heal.

You are my Love. I am Yours. Together.


And that was one of the last truly authentic verbalizations of my feelings.

I will post my experiences with poly after... I'm hoping that by starting with that intensely painful feeling process, that I will start to crack the walls of emotion... so that I can deal with them in a more ... I want to say "controlled" manner, but more so that they don't attack me when I'm least expecting it. So that I don't walk into my office in tears because I've driven past a certain bridge and had a conversation replay in my head and I'm hurting all over again.
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  #22  
Old 05-20-2011, 02:56 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Just over a month ago my father died.

20 months ago my husband's heart stopped.

Today, I can't reach him because he's on a fishing trip with his brother - and his brother deliberately took him to a place where there's no cell service. It terrifies me because I don't know that he took his medication. Theoretically between him and his brother, they should be able to remember to make sure he takes his meds, but he forgot last week. Last week he forgot to take the meds that keep him alive and somehow, even though I am fanatical about ensuring he took them somehow we both forgot.

And I don't know if he took them. He probably did. But I don't know.

And I'm scared. And I have no one who truly understands what its like to watch someone you love DIE to talk to.

I'm sad. And I'm scared. And I'm alone.
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  #23  
Old 05-20-2011, 06:22 AM
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
And I'm scared. And I have no one who truly understands what its like to watch someone you love DIE to talk to.
Hey there. I haven't read the rest of your blog yet, but I did happen upon this post, and I want to let you know that I do understand what you're feeling. My son is dependent on seizure medications--without them, he goes into severe seizures, then a coma, and then...yeah. Last time we left him alone with medical respite caregivers--trained nurses--they gave him the wrong med dose and he ended up in the ICU. He's seven years old.

I'm always terrified for him. Sometimes it's background worry, and sometimes it's big, terrifying in-your-face desperation and fear.

So for what it's worth, I, for one, understand what you're going through, and I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
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  #24  
Old 06-05-2011, 12:26 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Ivy - thank you. I know its been a while - but I read this and really do appreciate the thoughts.

I'm currently trying to figure out where I fit on the poly spectrum.

I work best with the primary/secondary labels because at heart, I like to label things.

He is primary to me, I am primary to him, everyone is secondary to that. Not less than, not disposable... secondary.

I was having a conversation with a cute girl today and we were discussing my poly 'style'. I am a busy woman. I have a lot of things going on in my life - a full time job, husband, kids, and outside activities that take up a lot of my time.

So what would work best for me is a relationship with someone who is similar to me.

They have a life, activities, perhaps other partners and don't need me to be their ONE, their ALL, their EVERYTHING.

I know there's a lot of people in the poly community that feel primary/secondary is a bad thing - but for me, its really a matter of involvement. I'm not looking for (but wouldn't push away) a full time, live in 2nd primary. I'm just looking for someone who understands my life, but has a VERY important part in it.

Perhaps that as easy as finding the mythical unicorn...
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  #25  
Old 06-05-2011, 01:15 AM
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
I work best with the primary/secondary labels because at heart, I like to label things.

He is primary to me, I am primary to him, everyone is secondary to that. Not less than, not disposable... secondary.
Not less than but secondary. Not primary, secondary, but not less than, just lower in rank, just further down the line, secondary....

Honey, it's time to get honest. Secondary, by definition, means after primary, less than, not as important. Not primary. Less than.

I'm sorry to break the harsh news. But if you stop and think about it, you'd not like to be his secondary, would you? Would you?
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  #26  
Old 06-05-2011, 01:22 AM
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
Just over a month ago my father died.

20 months ago my husband's heart stopped.

Today, I can't reach him because he's on a fishing trip....
I hadn't read that before responding to the more recent post. I'm very sorry to hear about these serious troubles! What I just said about primary/secondary is made trivial and insignificant in this light. It's not front burner. Sorry. What needs dealing with here is the above-quoted material. All I can say is that I wish you all the best.
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  #27  
Old 06-06-2011, 11:26 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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. But if you stop and think about it, you'd not like to be his secondary, would you? Would you?
I'm going to respond to this because it is a valid question and the answer is unhesitatingly YES.

Yes I want a relationship where I was his/her secondary. I'm married. I have kids. I have a full time job, a hobby that keeps me busy and I'm continually educating myself in my chosen field.

Yes, I want to be someone's secondary. I want to be that part time love/lover who we talk to via text/msgr/phone 4-6 days a week, and get together one, maybe 2 days a week.

Ideally my love/lover would be someone who has all of the above already. Someone who is looking for a part time/long-ish distance/secondary relationship.

So yes, I would be happy in a secondary role for someone else.

On another note - thank you for the thoughts. Hubby is fairly stable and his being unavailable to me helped me to "let go" of my need to manage his medication... although we BOTH have the reminders going off at the prescribed times
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  #28  
Old 06-18-2011, 01:08 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Smile

Feeling good.

Drove past someone I haven't physically seen in 9 months.

I wasn't ever sure how I'd feel - seeing this person - I was afraid of the white hot, heart skipping a beat, slight anxiety attack that might happen...

And ....

...nothing...

This is someone I used to know. Someone I used to spend a lot of time talking to.

And that's it. They're someone I know. Someone who looks good, and I hope their life is going well - they looked happy. I'm glad of that.

But ... they're just someone I used to know. No emotional attachment anymore.
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  #29  
Old 06-19-2011, 12:55 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post

I work best with the primary/secondary labels because at heart, I like to label things.

He is primary to me, I am primary to him, everyone is secondary to that.

*****

So what would work best for me is a relationship with someone who is similar to me.

They have a life, activities, perhaps other partners and don't need me to be their ONE, their ALL, their EVERYTHING.

I know there's a lot of people in the poly community that feel primary/secondary is a bad thing - but for me, its really a matter of involvement. I'm not looking for (but wouldn't push away) a full time, live in 2nd primary. I'm just looking for someone who understands my life, but has a VERY important part in it.

Perhaps that as easy as finding the mythical unicorn...
Yes, this sums up a lot of how I have always felt. However, it is a uphill battle, I will warn you.
Much like, If you call yourself a 'open relationship' then poly people think : ' Oh, they just want to fuck.'
If you call yourself a open relationship around swingers, they think 'Oh, they want emotions involved.' lol,..cant win.
Much the same with primary and secondary labelling.

Most assume anyone wanting primary/secondary labels want it so, out of protection of the primary relationship. I know for me, that wasn`t where my head is/was. It`s mostly due to what I can offer. I don`t want anyone NEEDING me to that extent. I don`t have time for it. Much like you, life is very busy.

I am most comfortable knowing I have a tertiary role in someone elses life. I use to think secondary, but even that is far to taxing for me.

The other part for me, is that my love really is secondary or less. I love, but its not to the same extent as my husband. I know there is a lot of boo/hiss towards that mentality, but my truths are my truths. I love, and forever it seems, but there is a scale.

I can tell you that even when you are honest and upfront about this, people tend to figure that you just haven`t met the 'right' person. So,...I can genuinely say, you cannot ever mention this enough. Even if you sound like a broken record.

I`ve talked to a few other people that have similiar feelings, and we have all noticed one trend,..same-sex married persons tend to understand this a bit better ? It may be coincidence, who knows, but experience says that 1 busy-mommy will understand where another 'busy mother' is coming from.

Anyhow, enjoy dating, hope you find the right match !

Last edited by SourGirl; 06-19-2011 at 12:58 AM.
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  #30  
Old 06-24-2011, 10:08 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Sour Girl... thanks. Its nice to know I'm not a complete anomaly.

Got a text from W - he got a text from someone who wants to get together and catch up.

Made me smile. I encouraged him to go. I told him that I was taking the bus to work and that he could come pick me up from work after.

I am making it easy for him to go. I have expressed my opinion on the matter. And I have let anything beyond that go. I will respect his decision either way.

I wish. I really fucking wish that I had the insight then that I do now.

I hope he goes.
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