Burning the Bridge over water that isnt there...
After talking with sage I know that I need to write down what I am feeling. I
have been reading the boards a lot and know that what I am feeling is a bit of jealousy, fear and pain. These are my feelings and they are ok if I learn to talk it out and try to understand why I feel this way.
When I fell in love with Rane it was hard and fast. I knew then what I was
getting into. I knew that she was a Bisexual and that there would come a day when she would need more than I could give her. I didnt worry for I know that her love for me is just as strong as mine. If she found a guy to have sex with it would be just that, sex. At the start I didnt know the guy and he didnt know me but then there were feeling of pain, sorrow and Rane feeling like she had to rush the guy out before I got home. It killed me to see her in pain. So we talked about finding someone to hang out with both us and be her FWB. Again for me it was just sex nothing more. I have always thought that you cant have enough friends but with most of the guys it never worked out. They always wanted more then she could give or they wanted Rane to break up with me and be just theirs. So far that has
So we meet this guy and start chating with him. He is funny, and good company. Rane and him get along so well that its crazy some day. His Name is Draco. He starts being Rane's FWB and she is happy. She floats through the day, has more affection for me, the lines of comunication are open and our sex life has gotten better. At the start of it all little changes I dont want to believe that it is Draco that is causing it. I want to and need to believe its cuz she is happy with me as well. I try to be blind for then my fears about not being enough wont come out so strong.
Rane is a research queen for she will research stuff till she finds the answers to questions that are bugging her. She found this forum and started to read. It was nice to see her finding simularities with some of you. She pointed out that I was like a lot of you as well. Feelings of jealousy and the feeling of being replaced were a daliy occurance for me. I know that Rane has no plans to replace me but the fear is still real for me. It gets better every day. Rane and I talk about her having both a girlfriend and a boyfriend. Is this something I can handle? Can I share her time? This in theroy is easy but in real life its hard. I know that if poly was easy everyone would do it. I know she loves me with all that she is so I am not worried about being loved enough. I worried about how to spend my time and what to do with myself when Draco and Rane are having one on one time. ( I know I sound like a spoiled little kid but for 4 years i havent had to share her attention or time with another lover. Just FWB and that was easy.)
Draco got the title of boyfriend and everything changed, the rules that we had agreed on were broken and tossed aside with in days. I watched Rane fall for him so fast and hard like she did with me, enter fear again. Draco was falling for her just as fast. When Draco and Rane were hanging out and they both were so lost in each other that I feel invisable. Their NRE was killing me slowly, there were days when my heart hurt so much I thought that I would walk away from Rane and let her and Draco build a life together. Draco started sleeping over at our place, the 3 of us in bed was something. There were days that I was pushed out of bed and slept on the couch for I wouldnt ask them to move over. I didnt think I was wanted or needed yet noone would tell me to get out. One night after feeling like I was not needed or wanted in my own bed I decided that I would step back
and give up Rane to Draco. Just walk away for I couldnt deal with being invisable or not feeling wanted.( I know now from looking back on my life and pass that this is a feeling I have felt all my life from famliy and ex friends) I couldnt contuine to feel this way. It was making me sick to my stomach and I was slowly losing my grip on my emotions. I cried almost everyday about the choices I made.
I was second guessing myself, could I live with this? Could I deal with having
Draco in my personal life? I was so lost and scared which made it harder for the one I normally talk to when I feel like this was lost in NRE and I wasnt feeling any NRE. That night ended with a huge fight and me verbally attacking Draco and he did the same. It go to the point were Rane was yelling at both of us. We then started to calm down and talk like adults. Feelings were talked about, habbits were exposed and understood why they are there. Rane stated that she would give up Draco before she would throw away 4 years with me. To watch her cry when she said that broke my heart. I know that I cant be the one that makes that choice or her. I wont have her spend the rest of our relationship regreting staying with me for I made her give up Draco.
With saying that stuff had to change or I was going to crumble. We have had 2 other fights since then. Rane has freaked out and Draco and myself have walked her through it. I have had several mini freak outs but after talking it out with both of them I normally feel like an ass for even thinking those things. For me I wanted so badly to feel included with the NRE between them that I tryed to push them apart, the only thing it did was push them closer. Making me feel more alone. I do it to myself somedays. I push cuz the fears that live with me start screaming and I listen. Not sure why but I do, maybe because they have been my friends for as far back as I can remember.
I just want to belong for I know that I belong with Rane. She makes me feel alive and safe when my demons are chasing me. Draco is a different story for me.I feel like he is just here for Rane, dealing with me because he has to. Now saying that I understand that its Rane he wants to be with and has feelings for. I asked some questions on the forums and was told that 'This is a great time to work on your relationship with Rane and your relationship with yourself. Don't worry so much about trying to build a relationship with Draco.'
So thats where I find myself these days. Most days I am happy with things. Dont get me wrong there are days where jealousy holds my hand and I start to take 5 steps backwards. Most of these feelings are mine and mine alone. I know what I was getting into when I fell for Rane but knowing it and living it are different. As well I now know that Draco would need to be a very special kind of a guy to have empathy for you and your relationship with Rane. I feel that Draco is that kinda guy but like everything in this world time changes everything. I am not sure how this will work out but I have come to the conclusion that I need to take this one day at a time or I am going to drive myself crazy.
In saying all of this I see that there are things that I need to work on for me, to make me better. I am the type of person who writes better then I talk someday. I know that I am loved and needed at home with my family, with my girlfriend and am starting to be needed by Draco. But in the end I need to love myself more then anything..
This forum has helped with the feelings that I thought were mine alone. I see that I am not alone and there is people out there willing and wanting to help. Thanks for reading this. I know there will be more..