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  #21  
Old 10-06-2009, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I am so blunt in this because I had an affair that lasted for a year and a half actively. As stupid as this sounds, I was concerned about the other man...I still regret hurting him even though he never knew it happened

That is a lesson I will never forget because the disapointment in myself rides the surface of my skin daily.
You are forgiven love because you are choosing to use the knowledge you have gained to help others. People benefit because you are speaking from experience. You have chosen an honorable path now and are healing the wound you helped to cause by sharing, growing and learning from your mistakes... that is all I ask and all I expect.

If the woman/women you cheated with could also learn from it I would be completely satisfied...! You don't know how hard it is for me to sit back and not just waltz right on over there and tell them what it has done to your life, my life and to the life of others. Sometimes, when the pain of what happens is running deep, it is all I can do to not make myself known to them and tell them how damaged I am because of them. I have to remember that their damage can only serve me if I chose to allow it to make me stronger rather than more damaged and more the victim. I have to leave their fate up to the universe/god, whomever as it isn't within my jurisdiction to point out the ripple effect they have had.
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  #22  
Old 10-06-2009, 08:11 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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...wow, I'm more resentful of that than I thought.
That is VERY OK. You have a valid reason. It is not jealousy or misplaced resentment. It's your "gut" telling you something is not right.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I wrote a lot about this not too long ago on another thread if anyone cares to find it... I think it was someone who was cheating and wondered if they should tell their already damaged partner... I said no, they should get a grip on their life, change their behaviour and act respectfully to themselves and to their partner. I don't know what happened, they never wrote back.
Quite a few folks come here expecting "support" or "validation" for their part in a wacky situation and when they are not told what they want to hear, they mysteriously disappear never to be heard from again.
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  #23  
Old 10-06-2009, 08:13 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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*sigh*

I am at work and cannot spare the time for a proper reply. Will post later.
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  #24  
Old 10-06-2009, 08:22 PM
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I digress. I'm not looking for her to be a "proper unicorn". I'm looking for the hypocrisy to go away.
I can see how you would want this and NEED this! I certainly would feel the same way!

yup, if she is in that deep-cheating big time.

She's got some big time work to do. I hope for all your sake that she does it. You'll all be better for it if she does.

It seems there is more than a little hypocrisy going on if HMA has trouble with you being with other men! Yet it's okay for him to have other women! hmmm... where's the compersion in that! I don't have the option to have other men other than the three I do have because I made that commitment to mono. I did so because he is monogamous and I am ready to be polyfi! If he were poly and asked me for that kind of commitment I would have a really hard time with that. I guess you have your own reasons for being okay with it.

We have a friend who is trying to deal with his new girlfriend seeing other men as he has the same believe and hypocrisy. I hear him, but challenge his logic. That is simply not fair regardless of your status of not wanting to act on finding a man.
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  #25  
Old 10-06-2009, 08:37 PM
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I can see how you would want this and NEED this! I certainly would feel the same way!

yup, if she is in that deep-cheating big time.

She's got some big time work to do. I hope for all your sake that she does it. You'll all be better for it if she does.

It seems there is more than a little hypocrisy going on if HMA has trouble with you being with other men! Yet it's okay for him to have other women! hmmm... where's the compersion in that! I don't have the option to have other men other than the three I do have because I made that commitment to mono. I did so because he is monogamous and I am ready to be polyfi! If he were poly and asked me for that kind of commitment I would have a really hard time with that. I guess you have your own reasons for being okay with it.

We have a friend who is trying to deal with his new girlfriend seeing other men as he has the same believe and hypocrisy. I hear him, but challenge his logic. That is simply not fair regardless of your status of not wanting to act on finding a man.
The bolded is something HMA and I have had EXTENSIVE conversations about, and it took me a GOOD long time to get him to see how I didn't see it as hypocritical. Because I don't. lol It basically stems from the fact that I identify as a lesbian. I have been in a few long term relationships with men - but it's an emotional thing, and the sex just sort of follows suit for me. It's an odd mindset, but because I don't WANT other men, but would like to have other women - and because he doesn't WANT other men as a straight guy, then it's alright for him to have women. Make sense? (Probably not. lol)

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That is VERY OK. You have a valid reason. It is not jealousy or misplaced resentment. It's your "gut" telling you something is not right.



Quite a few folks come here expecting "support" or "validation" for their part in a wacky situation and when they are not told what they want to hear, they mysteriously disappear never to be heard from again.
I try very hard to seek support, but when I hear something I don't necessarily want to hear - I try to take it to heart anyway. It would appear that HMA and I will talk and he'll reply here after work. I'm sure this situation will work out as long as we put the same effort into it that HMA and I put into our original relationship, and the same effort he, Anne, and I have been putting toward our young triad.
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  #26  
Old 10-06-2009, 08:48 PM
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But never told her what to do. Never. Not our relationship, not our problem. As long as we feel she is open and honest with us, wht she does with Mike is ultimately up to her. We'll offer advice when asked for, we'll offer support when needed.

In some ways this makes sense to me. But at the same time Mono's reply about it meaning you aren't caring about that third person rings true to me as well.

Like Mono I had a long term affair and broke my husband's heart. It was devastating for him-as anyone could guess.

BUT it was also devastating for me as well. I truly destroyed my faith in myself and my self-esteem in the process and it's a hell of a hard road back.
Those thoughts-griefs, guilts-I don't think they ever really go away. So it does impact EVERY SINGLE relationship you have afterward.


I think that there should be a love/respect for one anothers beliefs/needs in a relationship. By that I mean that wife shouldn't use veto power on this because she should respect her husbands right to make the decisions for his part in their relationship. BUT the other NECESSARY side of that coin is that he would respect HER rights to the point that he would not put her in the position of having to ignore or pretend to be/do something against her nature-like putting up with a cheater in her home.....


Does that make any sense? I feel like I'm not making sense. I guess I feel like each party should prioritize the others needs over their own wants..... and if they do-then the "mess" will be resolved by the husband setting down his own ground rules for the other woman based on his love and respect for the NEEDS of his wife and vice versa between all parties....
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  #27  
Old 10-06-2009, 09:22 PM
violet violet is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I think that there should be a love/respect for one anothers beliefs/needs in a relationship. By that I mean that wife shouldn't use veto power on this because she should respect her husbands right to make the decisions for his part in their relationship. BUT the other NECESSARY side of that coin is that he would respect HER rights to the point that he would not put her in the position of having to ignore or pretend to be/do something against her nature-like putting up with a cheater in her home.....


Does that make any sense? I feel like I'm not making sense. I guess I feel like each party should prioritize the others needs over their own wants..... and if they do-then the "mess" will be resolved by the husband setting down his own ground rules for the other woman based on his love and respect for the NEEDS of his wife and vice versa between all parties....
I can understand what you're saying here. I guess my feeling on the matter, to bring the thread on topic for a sec, is that the husband needs to set ground rules based on his wife's NEEDS, and based on her morals and values. There is a NEED for those to be respected.

IMO, there is not a NEED for her husband to be in the relationship with the other girl. There isn't a NEED for him and the girlfriend to be making the wife uncomfortable. There is not a NEED for the other girl to be lying, or to be complicating things in such a manner. Did that make sense? I feel like a total bitch for saying that... lol
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  #28  
Old 10-06-2009, 10:44 PM
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It basically stems from the fact that I identify as a lesbian. I have been in a few long term relationships with men - but it's an emotional thing, and the sex just sort of follows suit for me. It's an odd mindset, but because I don't WANT other men, but would like to have other women - and because he doesn't WANT other men as a straight guy, then it's alright for him to have women. Make sense? (Probably not. lol)
I kind of get it. I identified as a lesbian for ten years only to find myself in love with my now husband. I had had several long term relationships before, if you can call them that in high school and university. Long for that time in my life I suppose. Anyway, it took me years to loosen up my identity as a lesbian as I had long term relationship with women too... I then accepted I'm bi and now accept pansexual.

Sexuality and desire is a tide that flows continuously in life.... right now it appears I am allllllll straight! LOL... not at all so, as I loooooong for a woman. I'm so pathetic.
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  #29  
Old 10-06-2009, 10:50 PM
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Hey lovingradiance, thanks for sharing your story btw, again, by sharing healing happens as it offers well earned knowledge and wisdom to others in need....

It is hard to fess up to cheating. I too did it and am still embarrassed and ashamed... it was years and years ago, a one shot thing, I vowed to never do it again.

What continued was my guilt about being in love with others and the guilt continued because I had the potential to do it again because I couldn't act on that love.... no problem now that I am poly. I can fully accept and feel no guilt because of my understanding of myself in the context of poly.
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  #30  
Old 10-06-2009, 10:55 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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IMO, there is not a NEED for her husband to be in the relationship with the other girl. There isn't a NEED for him and the girlfriend to be making the wife uncomfortable. There is not a NEED for the other girl to be lying, or to be complicating things in such a manner. Did that make sense? I feel like a total bitch for saying that... lol
I'm not clear on how you're defining "need" in this context. People enter relationships with other people because those relationships meet certain needs. I would never presume to say that someone does or doesn't need the relationship they're in. I would certainly hope that my choice to be in a relationship with someone would be respected. If I had a partner who had another partner, it's not for me to say whether they need that or not.

As for what the motivations are on the part of this other girl, I really can't say because there just isn't enough information. But there is some reason why she feels the need to maintain both relationships and not be honest about it. Whether those reasons are objectively real or just perceived or something in between, I really don't know. But I'm not going to assume why she's doing what she's doing. So again, I can't say she doesn't have a need in this situation.

And DP is openly and reasonably looking for the best way to meet her needs in the situation.

I really can't call anyone "wrong" in this. Causing problems maybe....maybe even introducing a destructive dynamic...but I see a lot of vilifying of this other girl. There are other perspectives to consider.
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