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  #1  
Old 10-05-2009, 08:03 PM
limbo limbo is offline
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Default Went on a limb, now in limbo (new poly/non poly)

I told my friend that I "like like" him (he is non poly). I'm married, the interest is a mutual friend. Of course, I discussed my feelings to my husband. My husband agreed I could go for it.

I whispered "I like like you" to my friend when our other friends weren't around to hear. It was the worst setting, and I was a bit buzzed, but that's why I said it because I felt brave enough, like it's now or never. We didn't discuss anything else that night pertaining to that matter.

The next day, I text him to explain. My friend seemed baffled, and he was saying all the "appropriate" things. He said he didn't want to hurt my husband, or me for that matter. He said he valued our friendship, the one the three of us share. We are all really close friends, best friends even.

I apologized to the would-be secondary, and I'm thinking well I've been rejected,but at least I still have a friend. I don't know if he thought I was backing out, or exactly what did it, but then he says, "We shouldn't bury this, it should be discussed further." Do any of you know what or where he's coming from? I asked him to clarify, but he said he's choosing to repress. I don't want to be pushy, so I'll leave it to him to pick up on this "discussion." I'm confused about where I stand, where we stand, and what are the consequences of my actions.

What do you think? Do any of you have any perspective on what he may be going through?
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  #2  
Old 10-05-2009, 08:10 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Just ask him those very questions. Simple and plain. I know a bit of his perspective as far as not wanting to hurt your husband. That in it's self is a very good sign. I am a firm believer that a secondary has to care for both partners and hold the primaries above everything else.

He's got a lot going through his head..maybe even trying to decide if he is poly capable as well.

Just ask him, vagueness is tiring and a waste of energy IMHO
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  #3  
Old 10-05-2009, 08:19 PM
limbo limbo is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Just ask him those very questions. Simple and plain. I know a bit of his perspective as far as not wanting to hurt your husband. That in it's self is a very good sign. I am a firm believer that a secondary has to care for both partners and hold the primaries above everything else.

He's got a lot going through his head..maybe even trying to decide if he is poly capable as well.

Just ask him, vagueness is tiring and a waste of energy IMHO

I like being direct too, but I don't want to bombard him with questions he may not know the answers to yet. He's out of town, and will be back in two days. I think if he doesn't talk to me by Thursday, I'll have to ask him if we're done discussing any more poly stuff, and go on as if I never said anything, point blank.

He claims my husband is the luckiest man in the world, and he wishes I had a twin sister! But I think I read it elsewhere that he is what is called a "conditioned mono," and whatever he feels for me, he just can't ever go there.

Thank you for replying. It feels good to have some guidance.
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Old 10-05-2009, 08:28 PM
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First what sticks out to me is you were drinking when you brought it up. I have a number of straight (REALLY STRAIGHT) friends who will flirt with me when they are drinking because they know I am safe. They also know I am bi-and several have asked me if I would ever go for them when they were drinking (general answer is NO NO NO).

He very well could be thinking "wow that was daring of her I wonder if she regrets it".

Then when you clarified he might be thinking -"God she's gonna get me killed (by hubby)"

He very well may have NEVER CONSIDERED the possibility before.

Or

He might have used it as a fantasy-but never thought it was a REAL possibility.

Either way he might feel like he just needs some time to process the whole thing. Heck even single people getting offered a relationship from a single friend need to think it over first because there is inevitably risk involved.

Check out the thread on "the thirdness of being a third" (think that is the name either way it's close to that) by Ceoli-it might enlighten you to some of what HE may have to "look forward to" so to speak in this situation. Well worth the read anyway.

I would give him his time away to think. Then let him know briefly when he returns that "when you are ready to talk I'm looking forward to the discussion".
Then when/if he's ready to discuss-ask all those questions you said in here!!!
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Old 10-05-2009, 08:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by limbo View Post
I'll have to ask him if we're done discussing any more poly stuff, and go on as if I never said anything, point blank.

He claims my husband is the luckiest man in the world, and he wishes I had a twin sister! But I think I read it elsewhere that he is what is called a "conditioned mono," and whatever he feels for me, he just can't ever go there.

.
This is very refreshing! Being able to recognize the potential of a friendship and accepting the limits of it's depth is very important. Maybe he will embrace this opportunity or maybe you will maintain your friendship as is. Either way I hope you all are happy and healthy
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Old 10-05-2009, 08:39 PM
limbo limbo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

Check out the thread on "the thirdness of being a third" (think that is the name either way it's close to that) by Ceoli-it might enlighten you to some of what HE may have to "look forward to" so to speak in this situation. Well worth the read anyway.

I would give him his time away to think. Then let him know briefly when he returns that "when you are ready to talk I'm looking forward to the discussion".
Then when/if he's ready to discuss-ask all those questions you said in here!!!
Wow, thank you so much. I've done several searches on this site and on the web in general hoping to find a thread discussing a similar experience. I'm so grateful and so impressed by the help offered on this forum.
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  #7  
Old 10-05-2009, 09:21 PM
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He'd be in a different dynamic than Ceoli but definitely look at the stories of people on here. He'd be entering almost the same dynamic as me.
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  #8  
Old 10-06-2009, 12:43 AM
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Yes as Mono said-he would be in a very different position then Ceoli-but the emotions and feelings she brings up (and others on her thread) are all pertinent for him.
He doesn't have a way to know that his position IF he accepts is concrete. That's a lot for ANYONE to deal with. Just THINKING that you might be disposable is enough to set someone's teeth on edge in love and relationships.

Mono and RP seem to have gotten their train on a kick butt track-but in order to do that-YOU and YOUR HUSBAND need to be sure that you address the "third" persons needs, desires, fears, concerns as equally as you would your own.

As a wife whose in a V relationship I understand well all the risks my boyfriend takes in trusting in the permanence of our love and our relationship. Because when push comes to shove usually the third gets the losing end of the stick for the "benefit" of the original couple.

I don't know that I could ever BE a "third" because of that..... You (nothing personal I have as well) are asking a lot of this man. He deserves time to seriously consider if it's worth it to HIM.
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Old 10-06-2009, 05:58 AM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
You are asking a lot of this man. He deserves time to seriously consider if it's worth it to HIM.
Well said lovingradiance. I would agree with this. Poly, to a seemingly uneducated non-poly, blows their mind. He needs some time and a discussion about what you intend to achieve with a secondary, any secondary... no pressure to him.

After explaining where you are coming from, what Poly is and what it means to you, tell him that you enjoy his friendship and feel you could have something more with him. After that tell him you are going to leave him with him and would like it if he would be willing to check in if he is interested., then leave it alone and see where it goes next.

Remember that he may say "no thanks," but at least you got some practice out of it and will be better at your game next time. No harm in that. Just don't invest too much emotion in him until you know he is game. If he isn't then graciously give him space and act as if you are not effected... he doesn't need your drama. Especially if he is kind enough to let you down nicely. and especially if you want to stay friends... there is nothing less appealing than a whiny friend... well a whiny anyone really
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  #10  
Old 10-06-2009, 08:33 PM
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Thank you RP. Only this week some posts you made and some posts that Ceoli made brought my husband to his knees so to speak about the importance of considering ALL the people in the situation, not just one or two or even worse one's self.

It's very important that we all remember, each of us in a relationship has a different view of that relationship and how it impacts us personally. We MUST communicate and we MUST accept our differences in order to progress.

I'm not a "third" in my situation-but the "third" in our V is my boyfriend and I love and care for him deeply just as I love and care for Maca deeply. I am more conscious (naturally) of his needs then Maca is. So Maca has to work a little harder to remember to take them into consideration. Reading the OP's first post really brought that all home.

Not being in a relationship of that depth with this man yet-she can't fully know his feelings or reactions and maybe she's never been propositioned as he is so she doesn't know. I always appreciate someone reminding me that things might appear different to the other person when I'm feeling a bit lost or insecure.

To OP-you are already friends. If that friendship is as good as you deem it then he'll at least be able to come back around to discuss with you his feelings and from there WHO KNOWS?
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