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  #11  
Old 06-02-2011, 10:00 PM
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Have you actually asked your g/f whether what her 'friend' said is true?

I tend not to put much faith in the whole 'he said that she said that she said that your g/f said this to him' scenario!

If someone has a bone to pick with me they might as well simply talk to me face to face rather than using the verbal post office! Messages sent via the verbal post office are often garbled, changed entirely, late or never arrive! It's best to deliver the message myself and save myself the grief and frustration of relying on someone else.

Good luck. I hope your confusion lifts soon.
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  #12  
Old 06-02-2011, 11:52 PM
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Glow, maybe you have just been trying out all the options. There is nothing wrong with that at all. Now things are changing and you can decide what you want to do next. That could take some time. It took me a long time to leave my wife for my now husband. It took two years in fact... but it ended up that it was really the path I was meant to take. Be patient with yourself and decide for yourself what works for you...

Others will always object and judge, that is a given, its our taking it on that is the thing to watch for. Don't take it on, but use what they said to decide what works for you. You are fully entitled to be mono and think poly is great for those who want that.... you have a bank of knowledge now from your experience that will likely be invaluable as the years go on and new relationships come to the surface... its all in the bank. You made investments and can draw on that and whatever you put in your relationship bank account. Staying where you don't feel comfortable is like going in debt... uncomfortable and unsustainable.

Keep at it girl, a change she is a comin' me thinks
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  #13  
Old 06-03-2011, 02:59 AM
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Egad, a perfect time to say to your gf's friend, "If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you." All kidding aside, it sounds like there are toxic people around your gf who are up to mischief, wanting to cause trouble. It's your gf and bf you need to communicate directly with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars View Post
River, I dont think I was really ever poly. While the freedom has been lovely. I fell in love with a man (P) who told me about polyamory and told me thats who he was. I was mono. P encouraged me to start dating which I did and then I fell in love with N. like the above poster said. I think its all fine and good to be in love with 2 people, but maintaining 2 relationships is causing pain.
For me, I find the whole, "am I poly or not?" question a bit irksome. If a relationship is troubled or has difficulty, this kind of identifying as one or another can lead to doubts about one's own abilities to cope or make one feel as if there is something wrong with them if things are not working. Personally, I just think people are people, and it's the relationships that are polyamorous or monogamous.

From the alt.polyamory FAQs (I've bolded the important parts, as I see them):

Subject: 11). How can I tell if I am polyamorous?

I'm not sure; only you will know, and according to the philosophy of some folks, people aren't polyamorous, although behavior can be. Some people find that approach useful, and others prefer to think of "polyamorous people".

Some polyfolk tend to recognize themselves in the descriptions, and can only be restrained with difficulty from jumping up and down and screeching, "See! See! I *knew* it wasn't just me! Hooray!" If you aren't sure you're poly, the best practice is probably to act kindly and responsibly, and to communicate clearly to the best of your ability as you learn; come to think of it, that's the best practice for polyfolk, too, so you'll be one of the crowd anyhow. Besides, being polyamorous is not inherently "better" than being monogamous, so there's no need to feel like you have to pledge allegiance or anything like that just to hang out and look at the questions.

Another thing to consider is that the word "polyamorous" is, like all labels, just a tool. What you do and how you treat the people you love is probably more important to them, in the long run, than whether you fit a particular descriptive term, so don't sweat it, okay? And take good care of each other.

An alternate point of view:

"There aren't polyamorous and monogamous people; there are polyamorous and monogamous relationships. The same person may at various times be happy in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships at various times in his/her life. What is right depends on you and your feelings, and the feelings of those you are involved in relationships with. You may at some times be involved in a relationship that is monogamous, and that may be the right thing for the people in that relationship; at other times, you may be in a relationship which works better as part of a polyamorous network of relationships. In any case, the important thing is probably to act kindly and responsibly, and to communicate clearly with intimate partners and potential partners about these issues. Don't deny your feelings or the feelings of those that you care about. Get in touch with how you and those you care about really feel, rather than how society wants you to feel, or how you think it would be logical to feel, or how you've been told polyamorous people (or monogamous people) should feel. Then behave in ways which are honest, and which make you, and the people you care about, and the people they care about, happy and fulfilled. If this results in you having more than one intimate relationship at the same time, or being involved in a relationship with more than two people, those who are big on categorizing and labeling people will label you a 'poly person'."
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  #14  
Old 06-06-2011, 11:18 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Sounds like a normal poly-person-learning-to-deal-with-reality situation to me, lol. Not to be flip! Just saying - many of us have been through what you're in the middle of and worse, some of us many times over. Relationships are hard. Poly ones are harder. Nothing new there!

+1 to those saying "talk to your partners and everyoine else can fuck the fuck off". Hell - my POLY friends frequently stuck their collective noses in our shit on a regular basis, and it often caused issues in our FMFF "quad" - AND WE ALL LIVED TOGETHER! WHen there's distance compounding communication issues, this complicates further a complicated issue - and people sniffing around and stirring pots doesn't help.

Consider the source. If said source isn;t one of your partners, consider it a lot less.
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  #15  
Old 06-07-2011, 06:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
Consider the source. If said source isn;t one of your partners, consider it a lot less.
Agreed.
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