Just LR

[MrFarFromRight]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

I have started a new thing to help with all the stuff left behind. Every night, while all the kids are still in the room, I have them pick up everything that doesn't belong there (trash, dishes, shoes, etc). They are not allowed to say "that's not mine" (I do have to remind them of this every time), but they have to take it to the room of the person it does belong to. It has helped to at least get stuff picked up, even if they don't just do it on their own yet.

I invented another method. I told the 4 girls (2-9 year-olds) that if they didn't pick up all their own [collective - I didn't want to get into arguments, either, but I also didn't want them to clear up the grown-ups' mess (I WISH my mother had used this trick on me: I'm still a slob)] stuff within 1/4 hour, I would... but then that load of stuff wasn't going to reappear for 2 weeks.

They called my bluff (mixture of cockiness and nervousness as the 1/4 ran out) and let things lay. I popped everything into a large black rubbish bag and stored it in the attic (for exactly 2 weeks - I don't believe in lying to children). [The only access to the attic was a trapdoor in the ceiling of my bedroom - without a fixed ladder.]

They had plenty of toys, clothes, and books, so there was no shortage of things to play with, wear, or read... even if they did complain that I was "UNFAIR!!!". [Even the girls' parents asked if I couldn't consider a "parole".]

The next time the living room was a complete mess, I asked - as sweet as pie - "Would you girls like to clear this up or shall I?"

I never had any trouble after that. You should have seen that 2-year-old help!

[MrFarFromRight]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

I am FREE to offer them whatever amount of time seems reasonable TO ME of that 25% and they can take it or leave it.

LIKEWISE, if I want to spend time with someone, but I don't want to spend it with them while they are with their OSO; I have the right to request time when their OSO is not with them.
IF they choose to devote 75% of their time to being with their OSO, then I will have to accept the LIMITED amount of time they are willing to offer me from their other 25% of time and they are NOT OBLIGATED to give it all to me or to increase what they would give me because of the unavailability the other 75% of the time.

We spend a lot of time trying to get what we want from other people.
What I think we REALLY need to do is start getting what we want from ourselves and then we'll be more able to productively assess what it is we have available to give to others.


So, with Maca.....

I'm working on accepting that if he doesn't want to spend time with me in certain environments-that's his right. There is NO REASON I need to explain to him why this has a negative impact on our time together, he's not stupid. In fact, he's quite intelligent and capable of seeing for himself what the impact is or is not.
MY JOB is to accept that I have relationships that are meaningful parts of my life, including my relationship with him. I can offer my time up as I see fit. Others can accept or decline as they see fit, including Maca.

In terms of how that plays out regarding our time together, I've made myself clear that he is ALWAYS welcome to spend time with the "family" as we all see him as part of our family. He is ALWAYS welcome to join us for meals, hang out or go to activities we are participating in.

I am not canceling my activities with the family (yes that includes GG) in order to spend time with him. Not because I don't want to spend time with him, I do. But because my priority is the family. He is a part of that, but not a more or less important part than the rest of the individuals in the family. It's HIS RIGHT to choose what his priorities are, and not my place to pressure him one way or the other.

I don't know how well it's going to work. But, we survived the "bad week of the month" for me this last week with flying colors. The biggest thing I noticed different was that I spent a lot of time just biting my tongue while I considered if it was really necessary or helpful to say what was on my mind-and then deciding that no, it wasn't.

Doesn't change the way I felt or what I thought. But, it's not necessary for me to share it.

I didn't "cave" on what was important to me.
I didn't pressure him to do something he didn't want to do.
I didn't fight.

Inspiring. Thank you!

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Morningglory629

Food for thought LR. I often say, can we not just agree to disagree? But some people can't let things go at that. and that is usually when I become obstinate.
BUT YOU ARE SO RIGHT! I have X amount of time, and letting resentment build because of having to drop things and rearrange my schedule to always be accomodating has definitely left me less accepting. So thank you for this post.

MG-it's certainly a lesson in progress for me. I often am able to agree to disagree, you are right, there are those who are NOT. But, it's not necessary for me to PROVE my point. It's necessary for me to do what it is that makes me the best possible version of myself and if that is difficult for them-they can handle that on their time. They have the right (just as do I) to take up their time ANYWAY THEY WANT TO on their own. They don't have the right to enforce that I also participate in the way they are taking up their time.
This IS hard for me, because, using the example of Maca; I love him and I want to spend time with him. BUT-if spending time with him creates conflict and guilt and problems because he doesn't want to spend that time here... then it's not time well spent.

I'm better off (as crazy as it feels in the moment) waiting for a time when I can spend it with him in a way we are BOTH happy and enjoying.

Easier said that done for sure. But, I'm getting better at letting myself do what I need to do. Last night I wanted to spend with him-when he said he didn't have to work til late I was BENT with desire to be with him. But, I didnt' want to leave the little one with GG again. I wanted to get her through her shower, wash her up and have some cuddle time before she went to bed because I babysat another 7month old all day so we didnt' get our cuddle time in.

I chose to stay home. It was the right choice. I missed him. But, it's HIS RIGHT and HIS CHOICE to not be here. THIS is my home and my life and my family and my choice.

Originally Posted by rory

I try to change them even when nobody has asked me to, because I assume they won't be accepted by others. I think a lot of this has to do with being afraid. But I have to try to stop doing this because it is not beneficial to anybody (least to myself).

Ah yes, not helpful. Having done that for years and slammed my head into the proverbial door of reality one to many times I can tell you-it's mUCH MUCH MUCH easier to live life with joy and fulfiflment if you allow yourself the privilege of being who you are.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight

Inspiring. Thank you!

Why, you're welcome Mr. Left. HEHEHEHEHEHEHHE!
Hope you are having a great week!!

HUGS!

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight

I invented another method. I told the 4 girls (2-9 year-olds) that if they didn't pick up all their own [collective - I didn't want to get into arguments, either, but I also didn't want them to clear up the grown-ups' mess (I WISH my mother had used this trick on me: I'm still a slob)] stuff within 1/4 hour, I would... but then that load of stuff wasn't going to reappear for 2 weeks.

Genius!

[LovingRadiance]

Romance-
Fucking terrible week.

School-FUCKING AWESOME WEEK!

I'm so... proud of myself (is that a bad thing?).

I accidentally sent my first paper to the wrong instructor. That instructor read it-reviewed and critiqued it and then sent an email to the correct instructor and myself including the following quotes:

"I don't know Ms. LR, but the paper she attaches is excellent - better than all or nearly all of the essays I've ever received from students in ENGL A111, if that is indeed what it is. Someone capable of writing such a paper does not need to take so elementary a course as ENGL A111."

"The essay's only weakness, to my mind, is its failure to state the other side of the argument, if only to refute it."

I emailed back a thank you for the critique-because it was VERY helpful information for future papers and got a response including the following:

"I think you have gifts as an expository writer, and want to encourage you to continue to develop them if that is the direction of your interest."

That REALLY made my day.

[Ariakas]

Congrats.. .. Kudos and.. WOOT!!!..

[LovingRadiance]

Thanks Ari.

Only thing that would make it more exciting is if I were celebrating it by joining you all to watch RP in the burlesque show this weekend.
Ah, but someday!

[Magdlyn]

Oh, that's so great, LR. Congrats.

[ray]

Oooo, how sweet! I love stuff that like. Who wouldn't?