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  #11  
Old 05-31-2011, 04:52 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
RP ...... how does time and attention factor into the abundance and scarcity mindset? If you come from a mono relationship and one spouse finds another relationship her love increases by the number of new partners....abundant. For the mono other partner their time attention and focus from spouse has to be become a fraction. 1/2 ...1/4....1/6 whatever it happens to be. From a time and attention point of view less abundant.
A discussion on infinite love ... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8025
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  #12  
Old 05-31-2011, 06:23 PM
Hopeful Hopeful is offline
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When I had "the talk" with my husband, I used this kind of elaborate metaphor to describe my feelings about monogamy, and he liked it so much he's used it to explain our marriage to other people...

Imagine you're shown into a wonderful room. In this room are all the things you love: every video game, book, album, movie, whatever it is for you. All the clothes in the closet fit and are flattering. The bed is soft and comforting, like it was designed for that crick in your neck. You love your room. You love it so much, in fact, that you might never leave. And not leaving is fine. You can stay.

Then imagine that someone says to you, "do you love this room?" And of course you say "oh yes, this room is lovely." And this someone says, "Well, if you want you can stay forever, but if you ever put so much as one toe outside the door, it will lock behind you and you can never ever come back."

That means that in order to stay in the room, you agree that you will never play any other video games, read any other books, wear any other clothes, sleep in any bed other than the ones in that room. Meanwhile, you can look out the window and plainly see that there IS life outside the room - you just can't be a part of it.

That's monogamy. It's not that what's in the room isn't appealing. You love the room, and everything inside it. It's that you're voluntarily saying "I will live in one room forever." So my husband and I decided to go ahead and take the locks off. He's still my room, and I'm still his. But, to belabor the metaphor even further, there is now the possibility for adding rooms to the house.

Anyway, that's my take on it. And it worked for us.
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  #13  
Old 05-31-2011, 06:38 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by Hopeful View Post
Imagine you're shown into a wonderful room. In this room are all the things you love: every video game, book, album, movie, whatever it is for you. All the clothes in the closet fit and are flattering. The bed is soft and comforting, like it was designed for that crick in your neck. You love your room. You love it so much, in fact, that you might never leave. And not leaving is fine. You can stay.
WHERE IS THE BATHROOM??

But seriously, that's an awesome metaphor!
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  #14  
Old 05-31-2011, 06:47 PM
Hopeful Hopeful is offline
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WHERE IS THE BATHROOM??
OMG I FORGOT THE BATHROOM!! LOL

OK, um...let's see here. The bathroom is always clean, and there's a giant hot tub in it, deep enough that you can submerge to your chin. A sunken copper hot tub. Yeah... And big fluffy white towels that wrap all the way around you even if you put on a few pounds.

In other words, yeah, I love my husband. He's even a metaphorically perfect loo.


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But seriously, that's an awesome metaphor!
Thanks.
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  #15  
Old 06-01-2011, 06:29 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Originally Posted by Hopeful View Post
When I had "the talk" with my husband, I used this kind of elaborate metaphor to describe my feelings about monogamy, and he liked it so much he's used it to explain our marriage to other people...

Imagine you're shown into a wonderful room. In this room are all the things you love: every video game, book, album, movie, whatever it is for you. All the clothes in the closet fit and are flattering. The bed is soft and comforting, like it was designed for that crick in your neck. You love your room. You love it so much, in fact, that you might never leave. And not leaving is fine. You can stay.

Then imagine that someone says to you, "do you love this room?" And of course you say "oh yes, this room is lovely." And this someone says, "Well, if you want you can stay forever, but if you ever put so much as one toe outside the door, it will lock behind you and you can never ever come back."

That means that in order to stay in the room, you agree that you will never play any other video games, read any other books, wear any other clothes, sleep in any bed other than the ones in that room. Meanwhile, you can look out the window and plainly see that there IS life outside the room - you just can't be a part of it.

That's monogamy. It's not that what's in the room isn't appealing. You love the room, and everything inside it. It's that you're voluntarily saying "I will live in one room forever."
IOW, to a poly, even the very best mono relationship is a gilded cage. It's very nice, very fancy, nicely appointed, but it is, nonetheless, a cage.

That's a fantastic metaphor.
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  #16  
Old 06-01-2011, 09:13 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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IOW, to a poly, even the very best mono relationship is a gilded cage. It's very nice, very fancy, nicely appointed, but it is, nonetheless, a cage.

That's a fantastic metaphor.
I almost lost it on this comment LOL! Then I re-read the first part. I completely agree that to a poly monogamy is a cage. To a mono person it is the pinacle of relationship fulfillment and a foundation to take on other challenges in life.
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  #17  
Old 06-01-2011, 09:23 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
IOW, to a poly, even the very best mono relationship is a gilded cage. It's very nice, very fancy, nicely appointed, but it is, nonetheless, a cage.
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
To a mono person it is the pinacle of relationship fulfillment and a foundation to take on other challenges in life.
And herein lies the difficulty in mono/poly relationships!

What a difference in view, eh?
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  #18  
Old 06-01-2011, 09:48 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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And herein lies the difficulty in mono/poly relationships!

What a difference in view, eh?
Indeed...
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  #19  
Old 06-01-2011, 09:54 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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And herein lies the difficulty in mono/poly relationships!

What a difference in view, eh?
Totally I think it's good not to forget that mono and poly views both come from healthy places as often as they can come from unhealthy ones. Sometimes we project our own negativity towards things under the idea that ultimately everyone thinks and feels the same way we do. It takes a lot of blind acceptance to trust in the happiness of others when we feel so different internally.
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  #20  
Old 06-01-2011, 11:52 PM
Hopeful Hopeful is offline
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Totally I think it's good not to forget that mono and poly views both come from healthy places as often as they can come from unhealthy ones. Sometimes we project our own negativity towards things under the idea that ultimately everyone thinks and feels the same way we do. It takes a lot of blind acceptance to trust in the happiness of others when we feel so different internally.
That is absolutely true. My husband and I both identify as poly, which makes things simpler sometimes. But if he weren't or I weren't, I imagine the conversation would have to be had far differently. I hope my little metaphor didn't come across as me dogging on monogamy - just me trying to express how I personally have always felt in mono relationships.

Talking about my relationship with people who really get monogamy is kind of like my experience of talking about my religion (Celtic Paganism) with friends from other religions. At the end of the discussion, one of us always has to smile and say, "If it makes you happy, then it makes me happy too." Because really, that's the whole point.
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