can a poly love a mono?

[NeonKaos]

I'm going to settle this once and for all, so pay attention because I'm not repeating myself:

People who are "wired mono" CANNOT and DO NOT feel the "in love" feeling for more than one person at a time.

People who are simply "conditioned mono" CAN feel (but not necessarily DO FEEL) the "in love" feeling for more than one person at a time but for whatever reason(s), they refrain from ACTING on the feeling.

How anyone can read and understand English and fail to grasp these two concepts as explained above is lost on me.

That is all.

[moonandstars]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Why the need for scientific proof of human nature things anyways? What are you really looking for?

Of course it doesn't change my life and behaviour with or without scientific proof. But it can help understand. so tthat might answer your question. i am trying to understand something very new for me. thanks for the insights.

[secondchance]

I'm sure it's possible for a poly to love and be in a relationship with a mono, but it would take alot more work than if both were poly. The monopartner would have to be okay with you being involved with others... If you are going to try to make it work, stay honest and open.

The first mono I was in love with, I got into the relationship when I was a bit younger and convinced myself I could be happy in a strictly monogamous relationship... I've been keeping alot of feelings to myself and now here I am almost ten years later at the end of this same relationship. If I had stayed true to my beliefs at the beginning, I wouldn't be about to lose someone I really do love. Don't try to change for someone because it will only end up hurting both of you.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by secondchance

The monopartner would have to be okay with you being involved with others... .

This comes down to some dynamics being more possible than others. Not all poly relationships are continually open..hence the term polyfidelous. A mono, such as myself is comfortable in this type of dynamic.

The poly person would also have to be prepared to not follow every relationship "whim" they may feel and weigh the options of what people in thier life offer.

It's a two way street but one with challenges to everyone involved.

[secondchance]

Good point. But even if a relationship wasn't continually open, it seems like many monos would have a hard time dealing with their partner being with even one other. You seem to be very comfortable with yourself and your relationship from what I've read, but some people such as my current partner would absolutely never go for it. I guess it depends on the person really, and how open they are to others' beliefs.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by secondchance

You seem to be very comfortable with yourself and your relationship from what I've read, but some people such as my current partner would absolutely never go for it. I guess it depends on the person really, and how open they are to others' beliefs.

I get that Secondchance...you're absolutely right! I somtimes forget that it was a very specific thing I came into. Basically the stars seemed to have aligned for this mono poly union of mine to have developed

Take care and definitely stay true to yourself

[Nzlovergirl]

I really just wanted to second the ' Stay true to yourself' comment, mainly because thats something thats been stuck in my head for the last few days myself!

When my husband brought up the idea of open relationship a few years ago, I liked the idea. Him and I had been swingers for a few years, and decided that that wasnt what we wanted from life. He then met a wonderful couple and he started dating the female of the couple. After I met her hubby I started seeing him, hence we had a working quad going on.

It was hard at first but after alot of communication and open ness we worked through it and I now definately associate myself strongly as poly.

Now, here is my point: Im dating a guy now who identifies as 'mono'. He wants me for himself, he's admitted it. But he knows that this could never be the best thing for me, even if I wasnt married. I simply do not know how to love only one person and he feels this makes it hard, but he is coming to terms with this.

Yes, its been very hard and there have been fleeting moments where I wished with all my heart that I could be that for him. But i must remember:

Stay true to who I am and know that that is part of me.

Our relationship is still very new and we have decided that yes, even though a mono loving a poly and vice versa is hard at the end of the day: I love him and he loves me. Thats what matters to us.

[LScribbens]

Yes, a poly can love a mono and a mono can love a poly. The real issue is: Can the mono ever fully accept the poly's relationship style.

Poly is hard enough between all poly people, but adding someone with a monogamist mindset can be downright difficult if not impossible sometimes. Mainly because many times a mono person will want the poly to be mono and they either consciously or unconsciously try to turn the poly person to mono with them. They can't help it, it's how they are hardwired.

Some mono's will think in the back of their mind that a poly will change once they get in a relationship with them, or that they can change a poly to mono. And in turn, a poly may think that they the mono person will become poly for them once they are in a relationship.

Then there is jealousy. Jealousy exists in poly's who are open relationship-minded, and exists to the umpteenth degree amongst many monogamist-minded individuals. Expect that they will be jealous of your other partner(s).

So yes, it is possible, but in my experience it will require more work and more patience than simply sticking to poly-minded people to have a poly relationship with. So be prepared if you pursue a mono person to be in a relationship with.

[lola]

Not having read the replies yet, Yes...I am deeply in love with my Mono husband. I would not sacrifice that relationship for anything. He loves me enough to allow me to pursue my Poly nature. I will not say that this is easy, but it takes a special Mono person to deal with Polyamory.

You are already living the Poly life, so meeting a monogamous person who will accept that off the bat might not be the easiest thing in the world, but they do exist and have their own special challenges.

When you're in love with someone, their "orientation" shouldn't matter, but we all know from experience of some kind that it can be an issue. I didn't realize I was Poly until well into this Mono marriage. You're starting out knowing and having to be honest with that to whomever it is that you decide to be with. You might find that your person of interest may reject you at first, the idea being "repulsive" but given some time and space to think, there are certainly some monogamous people out there who can accept this.

We're still working out the kinks. But love is a precious gift and worth every effort...whether you find poly or mono partners.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by LScribbens

Some mono's will think in the back of their mind that a poly will change once they get in a relationship with them, or that they can change a poly to mono. And in turn, a poly may think that they the mono person will become poly for them once they are in a relationship..

Very good point LS.

I'm sure this does occur often in these situations.
It's about achieving abjectives in my opinion. The mono person may see the objective to "convert" the poly person so they will have them all to themselves. The poly person may want to gain more freedom in pursuing other relationships by encouraging the mono to pursue poly and thus "converting" them.

I wouldn't want Redpepper to be mono because it would hurt her husband and family dynamic. I don't believe she would want me to be poly because it would take away some of the attributes she enjoys in our relationship.

To aproach a relationship with the expectations of shaping your partner in any way (not just related to mono/poly) is the wrong footing IMO.