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  #111  
Old 06-01-2011, 04:09 AM
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Why would a supposedly poly man get involved with a woman with those issues? How can he be honest and forthright about his relationships if he's hiding some of them from that one? Something smells fishy.
This is part of why I was concerned. I've said for years now that I refused to be what I refer to as a "closet girlfriend"; someone who you're dating in secret. I also know that this is a bit no-no in regard to polyamory.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think you need to ask yourself why you were panicking over someone you've only messaging for a week, and have only spoken to once, just because he was out of touch for... less than a day? It sounds like you really put too much focus on this person. It's not a relationship yet; keep talking to other guys. See what's out there.
While we've been texting for now a week and a half (since the 22nd), my concern (not panic) was that - until the other day when I posted this - we had been in almost constant connection. As for talking to other guys - who said I wasn't? I didn't close myself off, but find that most people - guys or girls - ignore that I am there.

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Originally Posted by Hopeful View Post
Think about it from his perspective: even if the girl he's talking with doesn't demonstrate jealous tendencies, he can hardly stop talking to her every few to text us, right? How does he explain that? "Oh, sorry, texting my girlfriend...no, I swear, I'm not a pig, she's married...please sit back down...oh. OK. Call me?"
You make it out like I sent him something every three minutes. I sent a total of 3 messages over the course of like 6 hours - one of which was at a time where it was safe to assume if this person was just company, rather than a potential love(because he had not told me either way), that they would have left for the evening. As for the comments on what he might say, I would think that he would be forthright with the information that he is interested in me. Oh, and I'm not married.... Engaged, but not married. I realize it's close, but still..

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Also this. I've been close friends with my potential OSO for over six years. If he's not available, he's not available. Sometimes we do go a day or two without talking. It happens - and when it does, I typically can assume it's because he's with family, or at the bar with his buddies, or () playing golf. Or maybe talking to a woman who could actually see him in person more than once in a while, which is fair. A relationship develops over time, organically, and a week is just not long enough for you to even know his schedule or habits well enough to judge what his silence means. Just relax and let what happens happen.
As I said above, this was the first time that he had not spoken to me - aside from a few minutes here and there. If you knew someone who regularly got a-hold of you, and suddenly stopped for no apparent reason, are you telling me that you wouldn't be concerned?! Even if I wasn't interested in dating him, if any of my friends did this, I would wonder what I had said/done to do this, or what had happened.
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  #112  
Old 06-01-2011, 04:49 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
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Originally Posted by Kittywitch View Post
I finally heard back from him, about 30 hours after I first contacted him. Apparently he was just busy and his company stayed the night. While my panic wasn't completely for not, he and I have talked about it.
I think you need to ask yourself why you were panicking over someone you've only messaging for a week, and have only spoken to once, just because he was out of touch for... less than a day? It sounds like you really put too much focus on this person. It's not a relationship yet; keep talking to other guys. See what's out there.
While we've been texting for now a week and a half (since the 22nd), my concern (not panic) was that - until the other day when I posted this - we had been in almost constant connection. As for talking to other guys - who said I wasn't? I didn't close myself off, but find that most people - guys or girls - ignore that I am there.
Well, no need to get defensive. You asked for input and you're getting honest feedback. YOU said you panicked, I never put that word in your mouth. And I did not imply that you weren't talking to anyone else. I said "keep talking," which means "continue" so I never assumed your weren't. However, you did seem too focused on this one guy, when it was quite early on and perhaps to soon to be so "concerned." A week is not long, and in that amount of time I would expect to have at least a day or two out of touch, even if it started with a flurry of activity. People have lives.

You did admit in your OP that you get attached very easily. This seems to be one of those times when you let it happen very soon, but it wound up at your own expense, considering how panicked you said you were.


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Originally Posted by Kittywitch View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful View Post
Think about it from his perspective: even if the girl he's talking with doesn't demonstrate jealous tendencies, he can hardly stop talking to her every few to text us, right? How does he explain that? "Oh, sorry, texting my girlfriend...no, I swear, I'm not a pig, she's married...please sit back down...oh. OK. Call me?"

Also this. I've been close friends with my potential OSO for over six years. If he's not available, he's not available. Sometimes we do go a day or two without talking. It happens - and when it does, I typically can assume it's because he's with family, or at the bar with his buddies, or () playing golf. Or maybe talking to a woman who could actually see him in person more than once in a while, which is fair. A relationship develops over time, organically, and a week is just not long enough for you to even know his schedule or habits well enough to judge what his silence means. Just relax and let what happens happen.
You make it out like I sent him something every three minutes. I sent a total of 3 messages over the course of like 6 hours.
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Originally Posted by Kittywitch View Post
Today he informed me that he was going to have company over . . . So far, I've not heard from him since early this morning (10:30-ish), even though I've TXTed him a couple times, and sent him an Instant Message. This bothers me . . .
That is a a lot of messages to send someone after they told you they'd be busy. You posted your message at around 2:30 pm(according to the forum) and hadn't heard from him since 10:30 am. That's four hours. If a guy sent me several texts and an IM after I said I was having company over, I would really find it a nuisance and possibly even block him. I don't stop to text other people when I have someone in my presence because it's just rude.

You are younger than I, maybe all this texting is just what you're used to. But it seems excessive to me. My lover Shorty felt that I was overdoing it when I sent him 4 emails and 3 texts in a MONTH. Maybe you are assuming he has the same standards for communicating that you do. Guys often like to be left alone and be allowed to be the pursuer. Give him some space...
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-01-2011 at 04:52 AM.
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  #113  
Old 06-01-2011, 04:56 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You are younger than I, maybe all this texting is just what you're used to. But it seems excessive to me. My lover Shorty felt that I was overdoing it when I sent him 4 emails and 3 texts in a MONTH. Maybe you are assuming he has the same standards for communicating that you do. Guys often like to be left alone and be allowed to be the pursuer. Give him some space...
as I've said, previously, and since, we were/have been in near constant contact (aside from when he's sleeping). So, yes, it IS what I'm used to. and it's not just me. If i leave the room for something, I regularly return to 2 + txts waiting for me.
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  #114  
Old 06-01-2011, 07:14 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I agree the texting seems excessive, especially when he has told you he has company. Frankly I get a little pissy when I'm visiting someone face to face and right in the middle of a conversation they start replying to a text. If he has told you that he has company, or will be busy, don't expect any response, set a time when you can contact him and stick to it.
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  #115  
Old 07-10-2011, 12:46 PM
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I've never been in a fully "romantic" LDR, until recently, though I did meet a guy on these boards quite a while back who lives in England (I live in the USA), with whom I (we) formed a very, very intimate and loving friendship (one which has "romantic" overtones, but which we realize isn't realistically possible to pursue).

I've never seriously considered a VLDR (very long distance relationship -- more than a thousand miles), until I met M here in these boards. I live in New Mexico and she lives way the heck up in Minnesota. We, of course, started out as online friends. As time went on we realized that we have a tremendous lot in common and that we "resonate" in a simply magical way. It wasn't long before the only honest way to communicate (email, mostly) is to throw the L-word around a lot. Even though we haven't spent face-to-face time, and cannot do so until September.

I fully know that she does love me, and that I do love her. We know that if we don't end up being lovers-slash-romantic-partners that we'll be totally awesome intimate friends, so there's no good reason for us not to shower one another with digitized flowers and L-words. Besides, I'm smitten. Seriously. I think of her and my heart sings. I think it's true for both of us. Dang!

Look folks, I've never really "dated" much, and this makes "dating" all the more challenging within the above-provided context. Instead of "dating," I'd just hang out with people ... and if someone suddenly grabbed my hand or kissed me, or I kissed them. Bang! There it goes -- off to the races.

What "M" and I are doing now is, I guess, dating. Only we're doing it VLD (very long distance). Now add to this that almost all of my "romantic" experience is with men, and she's quite not a man, wowza! -- right?

I'm pretty much blaming this whole thing on the internet! (No, honey, there's really no need for "blame" -- I'm kidding!)

Gawd I love her! Besides being super intelligent, very sweet and loving, cute and sexy... and wonderful in a thousand ways, she has very good taste in men!

I thought maybe I wanted advice. And advice is okay. But I really know how to handle this okay. It'll be like any other hanging out situation, hanging out as friends, and if someone grabs the other's hand, or offers a kiss, ... bang, it's off to the races. Maybe I just came here to brag?!

Edit: I suppose I should also add that if things turn out how they likely will between us, we'll work out a way to spend a lot of time together in near space, up close (physically, geographically). I'd not be happy if I couldn't hold her and spend time with her hiking and stuff.... I'd miss her terribly! (I already do!)
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Last edited by River; 07-10-2011 at 12:55 PM.
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  #116  
Old 07-10-2011, 01:04 PM
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Oh, I'd love to hear / read some success stories for people who started out as VLD friends,
e.g., online buddies.
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  #117  
Old 07-10-2011, 09:38 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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I was introduced to poly through meeting someone online. He lived a 7 hour drive from me and had an existing partner when we met. (He was the hinge of our eventual V relationship) We talked reg. on the phone (weekly) and I drove the 7 hours to meet and spend time with them a couple of times. We also spent a week camping together (extended family) at an S.C.A. event. I did the driving because they were raising her son and she was working and in college so it was easier for me to get away (as a single person whose children were grown and out of the home.)

I ultimately moved to be closer to them (and for employment and medical reasons, too, not just the relationship.) I lived with them the first month. We all seemed to get along well. I then moved to my own place closer to where I worked.....which was about an hour from where they lived. (This had been the plan agreed to by all 3 of us all along.) While I didn't expect to see our guy daily, I did think I'd at least be with him once a week, and some weekends shared with the family. 3 months into this arrangement he decided that I lived too far away to make any kind of regular commitment to seeing me weekly. He wanted our relationship to be "fun", not "work". (I was willing to make the drive to their home since his job kept him on the road most of the day. He was a hospice nurse. I'm a hospice social worker, but didn't cover near as much territory as he did daily.)

I was hesitant about entering a poly relationship in general. It was all so new to me with so many unknowns. I told him up front that I had no interest in being in a secondary role in a poly relationship, but in a shared primary. He agreed that he didn't want me in a secondary role. When he decided it was too stressful and too much work to commit to seeing me on at least a once a week basis requiring a one hour drive, I decided this relationship wasn't for me. I was accused of being jealous and emotionally immature and needy by both of them...and "probably not cut out for polyamory."

Last edited by dragonflysky; 07-10-2011 at 09:49 PM.
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  #118  
Old 07-10-2011, 11:34 PM
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I told him up front that I had no interest in being in a secondary role in a poly relationship, but in a shared primary. He agreed that he didn't want me in a secondary role. When he decided it was too stressful and too much work to commit to seeing me on at least a once a week basis requiring a one hour drive, I decided this relationship wasn't for me. I was accused of being jealous and emotionally immature and needy by both of them...and "probably not cut out for polyamory."
Oh, really! Because you wanted to see your loved one once a week, too demanding? And how often did the other "primary" see her beloved?
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  #119  
Old 07-11-2011, 12:26 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Well, my relationship is LDR a lot of the time, since hubs is in the military. usually when he's gone there's no "visiting" so we go 6-7 months without seeing each other at a time. This time he's in country, but it's still the opposite end of the US so 7 hours of flight time to get back and forth. We've managed to visit a few times which has been awesome, but definitely miss the physical contact.

As far as how far away would I consider Long Distance? Probably more than 2 hours or so driving to me would be long distance. For example if I dated someone in LA, that's about a 3 hour drive, so yeah I'd consider it long distance, but then no biggie to drive up and back for a night or weekend. But then in Cali we drive all of the time, commuting and such. i regularly drive 4-5 hours back and forth to pick up my kids, just part of living out here.
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  #120  
Old 07-11-2011, 04:36 AM
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Oh, really! Because you wanted to see your loved one once a week, too demanding? And how often did the other "primary" see her beloved?
They lived together. So, unless their work hours were at odds (which did happen at times) they saw each other daily. He told me near the end of the relationship that he thought we took things too fast and that it would take time for me to "earn" my way into a primary relationship like he had with his other primary. I didn't expect all things to be equal, but I did want and expect that my thoughts/feelings would be given equal consideration and that I would be involved in decision making about how our time would be spent, with whom (individually, him, her, her kids, her mother, their friends...any combination of these people), doing what, etc....not just be told what they had decided and asked if I cared to join them, or be told when he and I could have "couples" time.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 07-11-2011 at 04:49 AM.
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