Just LR

[LovingRadiance]

no, he's not breastfeeding. They made it to a little over 2-1/2 months then stopped.


Maca and I got into an argument last night. I should have just gotten off of the phone, but I didn't.

Daughter left a cup on the couch when she went to bed, I was on hte phone with him, picking up the trail of things that weren't put away when everyone went to bed and commented on it.
He told me I needed to have a talk with her (which I have, we already have plans to go in and get her back on her ADD meds asap). I was offended because he already knows that she needs her medication and it won't do any good to say "don't be inattentive and forgetful" when she's TRYING not to be. (not that I didn't point out to her that she leaves stuff behind her in a trail-I DID). AND annoyed because he actually thought I DIDN'T say something???? THAT is not my forte-what makes him think I suddenly became good at it with HER?!?!?!

It wasn't a good conversation.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

Daughter left a cup on the couch when she went to bed, I was on hte phone with him, picking up the trail of things that weren't put away when everyone went to bed and commented on it.
He told me I needed to have a talk with her (which I have, we already have plans to go in and get her back on her ADD meds asap). I was offended because he already knows that she needs her medication and it won't do any good to say "don't be inattentive and forgetful" when she's TRYING not to be. (not that I didn't point out to her that she leaves stuff behind her in a trail-I DID). AND annoyed because he actually thought I DIDN'T say something???? THAT is not my forte-what makes him think I suddenly became good at it with HER?!?!?!

I think I have been at every end of this issue. I have a house full of people that constantly leave a trail in their wake and I'm not much better. No matter how much I try they all leave their shit behind. My parents must have beat it into me about leaving dishes on the couch, I can't understand why the boys (all three of them) can't at least find the coffee table in front of their knees or the table at their elbow.

Those conversations suck, one person "thinks" he is being supportive and helpful and it comes across as being insulting and beligerant. I have had to say, "I already said that exact thing and they won't listen to Mom, it's your turn", of course I'm already annoyed that he thinks it's just that simple. When you figure out how to change how those conversation go down, I would be so ever grateful to know the trick.

I have started a new thing to help with all the stuff left behind. Every night, while all the kids are still in the room, I have them pick up everything that doesn't belong there (trash, dishes, shoes, etc). They are not allowed to say "that's not mine" (I do have to remind them of this every time), but they have to take it to the room of the person it does belong to. It has helped to at least get stuff picked up, even if they don't just do it on their own yet.

Good Luck!

[LovingRadiance]

I'll keep you posted sneac.
Thus far, the house is fairly clean. I have my own "scheduled routine" of picking up the livingroom every day before bed. I don't put stuff away, I toss it haphazardly at hte room of the person it belongs to. The younger boy is getting a clue... half a dozen to go. :P

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

no, he's not breastfeeding. They made it to a little over 2-1/2 months then stopped.

Well, at least she won't need to wean him cold turkey just before she goes back.

[LovingRadiance]

That's true, I don't think it'd be fun with him having suddenly been taken off the breast. He's doing formula and the last of the frozen breast milk at the moment. She's hoping to make the drive in a week. It CAN be done... but that's a HELL of a lot of driving each day. I sure as hell wouldn't want to do it. BLECH.

[LovingRadiance]

I'm reading a hysterically funny book, "What French Women Know" by Debra Ollivier.

Working on letting go. In a variety of ways, places, etc.

Still doing home improvements so we can rent the house and get out of here.

I'm 3 weeks into a 10 week class at the college. 97% thus far.

[Morningglory629]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

I'm reading a hysterically funny book, "What French Women Know" by Debra Ollivier.

Working on letting go. In a variety of ways, places, etc.

Still doing home improvements so we can rent the house and get out of here.

I'm 3 weeks into a 10 week class at the college. 97% thus far.

Good on ya LR! Sounds like a productive time for you.

I should have just gotten off of the phone, but I didn't.

Why do we do this? I had the same kind of two days. Just stop talking. Why can I not master the concept in a consistent way? I am really trying this time to not ignore a problem by just giving-in and saying "ok whatever you want." But at the same time I just do not have it in me to argue. I am just done. And I don't want to be nice about it either. I want to stick to my guns and get my point across and well just be heard. And not demanded of. I am actually just shutting down and I do not like that feeling.
I love Maca, ya know that I do. And I have told you before he and 2rings share similar personality traits. Hubs is more like GG. But why in the hell do we continue to argue with these guys. They are so stubborn. Obstinate. And have to really hurt us before they realize their offenses. JUST HANG UP! My new mantra.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Morningglory629

Why do we do this? I had the same kind of two days. Just stop talking. Why can I not master the concept in a consistent way? I am really trying this time to not ignore a problem by just giving-in and saying "ok whatever you want." But at the same time I just do not have it in me to argue. I am just done. And I don't want to be nice about it either. I want to stick to my guns and get my point across and well just be heard. And not demanded of. I am actually just shutting down and I do not like that feeling.

Why do we do this, because we are determined to find resolution.
BUT-resolution when dealing with relationships is more complicated than it is when only dealing with ourselves!

The key I think (please feel free to find me wrong-this is just my theory), is acceptance.

We talk A LOT about acceptance. But what the fuck is it?

I've been following Ariakas thread and some of what Sage is going through. I have a very good friend I'm reconnecting with again who is also in AA. Acceptance is a big theme in AA and I think it's one of the keys to relationships that we're missing.

Acceptance doesn't mean "giving in" or giving up on ourselves and our own needs.

It means accepting that the other person is who they are and we are who we are and if at times those aren't compatible-so be it. THAT IS JUST THE WAY IT IS.

So what do you do after you've accepted that?

Well....

You take care of yourself.

Each of us is responsible first TO TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN SELF. We can't be supportive or helpful of others if we aren't ok ourselves.

SO, if I have a personal priority to devote 75% of my time to my kids, and someone wants to spend time with me, they can either spend it with me AND MY KIDS or they can ask if I have time available for them in the other 25%...

If they don't want to spend time with my kids, then they are stuck with accepting what I have available for them during my 25%.

I AM NOT OBLIGATED to make more time available to them outside of that 25%.
I am not obligated to give them all of my 25% to make up for the "loss" of my unavailability outside of that 25%.

I am FREE to offer them whatever amount of time seems reasonable TO ME of that 25% and they can take it or leave it.

LIKEWISE, if I want to spend time with someone, but I don't want to spend it with them while they are with their OSO; I have the right to request time when their OSO is not with them.
IF they choose to devote 75% of their time to being with their OSO, then I will have to accept the LIMITED amount of time they are willing to offer me from their other 25% of time and they are NOT OBLIGATED to give it all to me or to increase what they would give me because of the unavailability the other 75% of the time.

We spend a lot of time trying to get what we want from other people.
What I think we REALLY need to do is start getting what we want from ourselves and then we'll be more able to productively assess what it is we have available to give to others.


So, with Maca.....

I'm working on accepting that if he doesn't want to spend time with me in certain environments-that's his right. There is NO REASON I need to explain to him why this has a negative impact on our time together, he's not stupid. In fact, he's quite intelligent and capable of seeing for himself what the impact is or is not.
MY JOB is to accept that I have relationships that are meaningful parts of my life, including my relationship with him. I can offer my time up as I see fit. Others can accept or decline as they see fit, including Maca.

In terms of how that plays out regarding our time together, I've made myself clear that he is ALWAYS welcome to spend time with the "family" as we all see him as part of our family. He is ALWAYS welcome to join us for meals, hang out or go to activities we are participating in.

I am not canceling my activities with the family (yes that includes GG) in order to spend time with him. Not because I don't want to spend time with him, I do. But because my priority is the family. He is a part of that, but not a more or less important part than the rest of the individuals in the family. It's HIS RIGHT to choose what his priorities are, and not my place to pressure him one way or the other.

I don't know how well it's going to work. But, we survived the "bad week of the month" for me this last week with flying colors. The biggest thing I noticed different was that I spent a lot of time just biting my tongue while I considered if it was really necessary or helpful to say what was on my mind-and then deciding that no, it wasn't.

Doesn't change the way I felt or what I thought. But, it's not necessary for me to share it.

I didn't "cave" on what was important to me.
I didn't pressure him to do something he didn't want to do.
I didn't fight.

[Morningglory629]

Food for thought LR. I often say, can we not just agree to disagree? But some people can't let things go at that. and that is usually when I become obstinate.
BUT YOU ARE SO RIGHT! I have X amount of time, and letting resentment build because of having to drop things and rearrange my schedule to always be accomodating has definitely left me less accepting. So thank you for this post.

[rory]

Hi, I've read a bit of your blog. Your post about acceptance is so wonderful, thank you. There is so much stuff in your post that I am trying to learn myself, too. For me it is the hardest to accept what I am and what I need. I too often try to please, even if some things are just part of me and I should not try to change them for others. I try to change them even when nobody has asked me to, because I assume they won't be accepted by others. I think a lot of this has to do with being afraid. But I have to try to stop doing this because it is not beneficial to anybody (least to myself).