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  #151  
Old 05-31-2011, 05:10 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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sorry again ...but when you said " him wonder why she would be happy when the sun was shining or why she's happy when it rains sounded dismissive to me. Which wasn't the actual problem anyway. Sorry I'm sure your right...I was just projecting again.
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  #152  
Old 06-02-2011, 12:28 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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So, with my discovery, it has given me a lot of perspective (if you want to know, look in my thread), and a view through Jens eyes. Denying what we are is a terrible thing, as is denying connections that may develop. I don't want to be an anchor for Jen anymore...

Things probably won't be as bad as I think they will. We had a rocky start, but maybe we can find something healthy to begin with this time?
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  #153  
Old 06-05-2011, 04:59 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Sorry I've missed all of these posts. I haven't been on much as I was out of town for a couple of weeks and before that there wasn't a whole lot to discuss. We've been going to counseling and it's been up and down... things definitely have been looking up since I went out of town, however.

For the past few months I've been conversing with a guy S, that I used to date. We enjoyed each others company back then, but our relationship was mostly physical/sexual. I had told Drew that we were talking, and left it at that. Our conversations were pretty generic, though we did do some reminiscing, and he expressed an interest in wanting to see me again at some point. I told him about Poly, and the experience thus far and that I was very tentative at this point.

As Drew has been coming to terms with things (and I feel like I have been patient and supportive), I've mentioned S again and it seems to be going well so far. I'm extremely nervous as I don't want to hurt Drew anymore. Not that it was on purpose before, but now that I know what triggers him, I'm very worried about it.

He said he wants me to go see S. That he feels unless he experiences the feelings and sees that everything will be okay after, that he doesn't think he can learn to cope with those feelings. I'm both excited and concerned. I know it wont change things unless he dwells on his thoughts instead of looking at reality.

There is a few weeks before I'd have the opportunity to go anyway, so we will see what happens I guess.

In the interim, I'm hoping we will continue to talk as we have been, and watching him reflect on his own feelings and experiences has been awesome for me. I can see him growing emotionally and I really enjoy it. We talked about setting him up an OKC account, and seeing what we find. I think one of the largest issues we have is our differing views on sex... I was always very open sexually, and I was his second and only. I can have sex with attached emotions, or unattached for pure physical attraction and enjoyment. For him, it's always viewed as attached, and sharing me is a threat. Perhaps if he has experience with other people that he can learn how he responds to different connections. Just a theory at this point....

So that's where we are at. In a good place. There are still negative emotions here and there, but they are less frequent and don't cause him to spiral into uncontrollable negativity. We are back being flirty and the sex is increasing again... yay!
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  #154  
Old 06-05-2011, 05:03 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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I know he mentioned it in his thread as well.. but he has been having some ebbing and flowing emotions with one of his friends, C. I've always assumed he was somewhat bi (Drew), even if he didn't admit it, and he's beginning to also start wanting to explore it a little more. He's still not sure how he feels... but I think that it has opened his eyes a bit more to the poly life style and how his feelings for C, don't change his feelings for me.

I'm perfectly okay with it, and enjoy watching him learn more about himself.
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  #155  
Old 07-05-2011, 03:25 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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Sheesh, I can't believe it's been a month since I've posted. A lot has happened, and I think it is good!

So, with hubby on the C front. He's still not sure what his feelings are. He did want to explore them a little and we discussed instigating something with C. So, we planned a little evening and invited C over. Hubs went into the bedroom, and I told C that we both thought he needed some lovins and invited him to join us. It didn't go quite as well as planned as C has some issues that have preventing him from getting fully aroused, but he did a bit anyway, and he said he fully enjoyed the experience, and hubs got to explore a little of his bi side as well. I found it quite a turn on myself!

We invited C to come over again the following weekend, and tried again, and it was a little better, but he was still having some issues and getting frustrated. We are both patient with him and realize he has a lot going on in his life right now, so we were a supportive as possible... and again, they got to explore a little more.

Last weekend was my weekend to go see S, with hubs full permission. While I was excited to see him, as it has been several years.. I was uncomfortable about going. I was very worried about hubs the whole time. I decided that I did not like being that far away from home and my family, for the sole purpose of seeing another person romantically. I did enjoy my time there (and we did have sex), but I don't think I'll be going again without my family, unless he comes here. I told S that and he seemed to understand, and he says we are welcome there whenever. Hubs seemed to handle it very well which made me happy. We reconnected when I got home, and shared our experiences.

C came over again on Friday night, and I realized that he's starting to grow on me as well. I was telling hubs about it today, that I have strange feelings for him. Our experiences before were more for hubby than for me... but as time goes on, I realize that C is such a good person, and I enjoy his company, and how much a part of our family he's become. I don't feel a strong attraction to him physically, but I feel an emotional attraction to him, which makes me want to snuggle him, and touch him (hold his hand, give him kisses, snuggles, etc). I don't feel any excitement of NRE, my heart doesn't skip a beat like it does with J (we still talk, and I miss him terribly, but that's on hold for now until he figures out if he actually wants to be with his g/f). It's a more comfortable feeling.. like he belongs here.

Hubby said he hasn't been feeling the "more than friends" feelings for C in a while, but he's still interested in his bi side I think. It makes me feel guilty that I'm starting to really care for C in some way, because he's "hubby's", but at the same time, I don't REALLY understand my feelings here... they are different. Hubby said he didn't understand what I was trying to say either, so I'm not sure if that's bad.. or if it's just as confusing to him as it is to me.

On the hubby front, things seem pretty good! We have as strong a connection as ever.. the sex is good. We have one more appointment with the therapist tomorrow to see if we need to continue. At the last one, hubs thought he was doing pretty well, but she wanted to see us back one last time.. so we'll see!!

Overall, I think we are in a good place. Coming to terms with things.. able to discuss things without meltdowns or arguing. I've found some things that I am not comfortable with, and our communication is still good. I love my hubby!!!!
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  #156  
Old 09-06-2011, 01:37 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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I know in my heart and my soul that I am poly. But I don't know how to handle the pain that's associated with it. This last one has been the worst... his reservations because of me being married brought it to a screeching halt... I don't even know where to start.. or finish....

I don't even have my husband here to bring my smile back since he's deployed. Timing was less than ideal here.. and I can't breathe....
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  #157  
Old 02-29-2012, 06:38 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hey Jen, just checking in, in case you get notified of a new post to your thread. How are you and Beodude doing?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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