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Old 10-05-2009, 04:35 PM
dearprudence dearprudence is offline
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Default Cheating vs. Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

My most important criteria for anyone I'm involved with is for them to be open with any and all significant others. The degree of openness is between them, of course, but I will not get involved with anyone who is cheating on a partner. I accept that everyone manages their relationships as they see fit. Judging people is not what I want to do, and I know everyone makes their own decisions for their own reasons. But I will not participate if someone decides to cheat.

I choose not to condone or participate in cheating because I've been hurt by it, and I can remember that pain very clearly. I believe everyone in a relationship is entitled to a choice to be there. Cheating to me is denying your partner his/her choice so that you can hold onto a relationship on your terms, not mutual terms. I also think that living an honest and authentic life is the most amazing and fulfilling way to live, with all of its pain, difficulty and challenges included. Then there is the other aspect of not inviting drama into my life. Enough of that enters the picture anyway. There are a thousand other reasons as well.

My husband (C) shares this value, but perhaps not as strongly as I do. He believes in accepting people's flaws, and letting people learn things through their own experiences and on their own terms. But he has just finished Opening Up, and I think that has offered a new perspective for him. I want him to have the same boundaries and values as I do, but I can only control my own, and tell him why I hold true to the things I do.

So, his girlfriend (M) of five months is seeing someone pretty seriously, and he does not know about her other relationship with a married man. C & M have a couple of things they are trying to work through at this early stage. She has some jealousy and possessiveness issues, and also really wants to get married. So C has added to their conversation the fact that she needs to tell her boyfriend what's going on, that he deserves to consent to this.

I am not going to tell C what to do, because we don't have that kind of veto power. Well, I should say nothing has happened thus far for us to implement veto power. What I want to say to him is that I'm not comfortable with this for my own reasons - not because I want to tell someone what to do, but because I think it's shitty, and not something I want to be around, even once removed. C & M have to work through their own relationship, but in the meantime, I'm not too cool with M coming over to our house, hanging out with her, and her spending the night in the guest room with my husband. I feel like that is the only boundary I can put up to keep this at a distance. I don't want to tell them what to do... well, I guess I do want that, but I can't demand that. To keep me comfortable and sane, I need distance. I won't be rude to her or confront her. I just want to state my feelings, protect myself and stand up for what I think is important to me.

M lives with her parents, so our house or a hotel are really the only places they can go for intimacy. So then I wonder if this is my way to try to control the situation by limiting the time they may spend together.

I may be jumping the gun because C has only started talking to her about this as of yesterday. But I'd like to hear any advice or objective perspectives that can be offered. I can get irked or angry about things my husband does or doesn't do, but ultimately I can only control my own behavior. What can I put in place to do that?
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Old 10-05-2009, 08:37 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Huh, that sounds sticky.

I tend to be more like your husband because (I think) of all the idiotic mistakes I've made that people have allowed me to learn from. Being allowed to learn from one's mistakes can allow you to become SO MUCH MORE then you ever were. On the other hand-so many people don't choose to learn from their mistakes when given that opportunity-and instead they just continue the destructive behavior....

I think due to the sensitivity to the subject for you that it is reasonable for you to not be around M. But in deference to respecting THEIR right to run their relationship on their terms maybe you need to compromise to not saying that they can't be together at the house, but that it needs to be coordinated for you to not be around until they come to a conclusion??
I don't know HOW you would make that work-it's just the thought that popped into my head.

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Old 10-05-2009, 09:40 PM
dearprudence dearprudence is offline
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Thank you for the advice. It is sticky, and I do very much want to leave the stickiness in their hands for them to deal with. I thought I could ask that she just not stay over for now. She's welcome here, but the idea of hanging out, her staying over, and then having breakfast the next day is a little much for me given how I feel. But again, I don't want this construed as me trying to control their time together. I just think she needs to take care of some things right now. And if she decides to not tell her boyfriend, then C can decide if that's okay with him. I don't want to be uncomfortable in my own home feeling like I'm contributing to something that I don't like.
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Old 10-05-2009, 09:51 PM
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And if she decides to not tell her boyfriend, then C can decide if that's okay with him. I don't want to be uncomfortable in my own home feeling like I'm contributing to something that I don't like.
Let's call it like it is..C is acting disrespectful and dishonest towards this girls boyfriend. If he is really concerned and not thinking primarily about his own needs, he'll break it off until she acts like an adult and is upfront with her boyfriend. There is no excuse for this other than selfishness. You have every right to not want them in your home!

If this woman can do this to her boyfriend does your husband not think she might be doing it to him as well? She's having an affair, he's involved in an affair and both of them are hurting her boyfriend whether they want to admit it or not. Time to grow up for both of them.
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Old 10-05-2009, 10:33 PM
dearprudence dearprudence is offline
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I totally agree, and this is exactly my gut feeling. But I am trying to focus on my boundaries. If my husband continues to do something that I don't agree with, what do I put in place for myself so that I am not angry and judgmental? How do I remove myself? We do talk about it, and he gets why I feel this way. I don't want to be mad at him if he does things I don't like or things I wouldn't choose to do. He's told her this is important for her to do, both for that relationship and their own. Whether he holds her accountable is the question.
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Old 10-05-2009, 11:08 PM
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Your entire situation hits VERY close to home. HMA and I have run into something similar with our "unicorn", Anne. She is currently in a long-distance relationship with a friend-turned-lover, while dating us. She has made it sound sort of like she was ready to break it off, etc, etc. But she's dragging her feet. She's even going up to see him this weekend - and he has no idea about HMA or me. ANYWAY.

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Originally Posted by dearprudence View Post
She's welcome here, but the idea of hanging out, her staying over, and then having breakfast the next day is a little much for me given how I feel. But again, I don't want this construed as me trying to control their time together. I just think she needs to take care of some things right now.
Personally, I don't feel as though it's you trying to control their time together. I don't even really see how it could be construed that way. Ultimately, you have a say in what goes on under your own roof. Don't constrict time outside your home - but by all means, keep that foot down when it comes inside your front door!

It's very hard to control the anger and the judgments. Especially when it's something you feel so strongly about. I think, if nothing else, letting a little of that anger show through will help everyone in the situation to see that it's not acceptable. And you can try to adopt the mindset of you're doing ALL you can. In the end, the only person you can control is you. You can assure that your opinion is heard, you can choose to not let it into your home, and you can choose to be supportive of C while he, too, decides what is best in the situation.

I tend to agree more with Mono on this one - this is disrespectful, dishonest, and hurtful to everyone involved. JUST like I feel with Anne. And to be perfectly honest - Anne's situation is substantially less tangled than this one. She's worked past her jealousy/posessiveness, talked about marriage, and she has thought long and hard about her "other" relationship and wants to break it off, she just "needs time to let it run it's course". Which, on one hand I say is BULLSHIT, on the other, I understand from having been in her shoes.

If it continues to make you uncomfortable, and you can't control your opinion on the subject - you need to be careful of how this could damage your relationship with your husband. Perhaps, if it gets much further, veto power needs to be talked about.
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Old 10-06-2009, 02:57 AM
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Originally Posted by violet View Post
Your entire situation hits VERY close to home. HMA and I have run into something similar with our "unicorn", Anne. She is currently in a long-distance relationship with a friend-turned-lover, while dating us. She has made it sound sort of like she was ready to break it off, etc, etc. But she's dragging her feet. She's even going up to see him this weekend - and he has no idea about HMA or me. ANYWAY.



Personally, I don't feel as though it's you trying to control their time together. I don't even really see how it could be construed that way. Ultimately, you have a say in what goes on under your own roof. Don't constrict time outside your home - but by all means, keep that foot down when it comes inside your front door!

.
Thumbs up to this!

Additionally, lets face up to something. All of us. We always talk about not judging on here but c'mon, sometimes people's actions require judgement to advance our personal growth and learn how to interact appropriately with the feelings of other human beings! If no one told us shitty behaviour was in fact "shitty" we would probably perpetuate it indefinitely if it suites our needs. Enough is enough. Tell him what you think about his behaviour and let him know how it makes you feel. If it disappoints you, then say so.
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Old 10-06-2009, 03:08 AM
violet violet is offline
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Thumbs up to this!

Additionally, lets face up to something. All of us. We always talk about not judging on here but c'mon, sometimes people's actions require judgement to advance our personal growth and learn how to interact appropriately with the feelings of other human beings! If no one told us shitty behaviour was in fact "shitty" we would probably perpetuate it indefinitely if it suites our needs. Enough is enough. Tell him what you think about his behaviour and let him know how it makes you feel. If it disappoints you, then say so.
EXACTLY. I realize that by sheer virtue of the lifestyle those of us here lead that we aren't judgmental. But, as you said, SOMETIMES people's actions DO in fact requite exactly that.

HMA, Anne, and I had an uncomfortable conversation last night - not about this particular subject, but about certain behaviors that any one of us was exhibiting, how it was inappropriate, and ways to get around it. We did have to deal with a little bit of feeling "attacked" and such, but without those judgments on our actions and our characters - we can't grow and thrive in our relationship.

I can truthfully say that from an objective standpoint, the time has come to make a call and draw a line in the sand. I fear that if you don't, a situation like this has the chance of making you harbor resentment against the people involved - which is just NEVER a good thing - based on the way your values are being challenged by those who are supposed to understand and support them.
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Old 10-06-2009, 03:15 AM
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Just to be clear and take responsibility for my own stuff. Redpepper has called me on some shitty behaviour and the result is I am a better person for it. She "judged" me and ultimately I felt shame and not anger. I learned to correct my actions in certain areas. I thank her for that...I don't resent her.
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Old 10-06-2009, 05:10 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Just to be clear and take responsibility for my own stuff. Redpepper has called me on some shitty behaviour and the result is I am a better person for it. She "judged" me and ultimately I felt shame and not anger. I learned to correct my actions in certain areas. I thank her for that...I don't resent her.

Yep You can say that again Mono.If LR hadnt " busted me" for the dumb ass and sometimes down right mean things Ive done I would be continuing to do and say those things to ppl that care about me.Fact is humans dont learn or change with out pain of some sort physical, mental,or emotional. Good luck I wish you the very best.
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