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Old 05-30-2011, 03:05 PM
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Alan7388 Alan7388 is offline
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Location: Boston, MA
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I'd say, tell him "I'd like to see if we can salvage this relationship together. What I'm going to need, if we do it, is new level for us of trust, transparency, and a willingness to give and receive communication fearlessly." (Practice saying this to a mirror.) See if he follows through. If not, move on.

> ...who I thought was open to us pursuing an
> open relationship at some point as he is much older
> than I am.

WTF? How does A imply B here? What on Earth was your assumption? Examine what else you may be falsely assuming, and why.

Best wishes,

Alan M.
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Old 05-30-2011, 03:11 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Alan7388 View Post
WTF? How does A imply B here? What on Earth was your assumption? Examine what else you may be falsely assuming, and why.
Exactly. I don't think it's fair to call the guy a "poly imposter" just because you assumed he is poly and willing to work with you on that, and he turned out not to be.

So far, I haven't seen any evidence that this man mislead the OP, or "pretended" to be "poly", except in the OP's mind.
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Old 05-30-2011, 07:07 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by jenniferjuniper View Post
... he seemed to shy away from frank discussion.
Red flag--aversion to communication.

He told me he wanted to break up.
I hesitate to say this is a red flag because, well, he dumped you. That sort of ends things.

Then he told me he still loves me, is attracted to me, etc. etc.
Red flag--wildly manipulative behavior.

Since that night he's emailed me just about everyday but won't discuss the other relationship with me.
Red flag--do you really need somebody else to point out how dysfunctional this is?

Am I overreacting?
I'd say you're grossly underreacting. Why haven't you washed your hands of his bullshit and walked on?
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 06-04-2011, 10:46 PM
jenniferjuniper jenniferjuniper is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Oakland, CA
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Thanks for the advice. I am moving forward with extreme caution. To clarify, didn't think he was into poly because he is older- I should have edited that out. I know, it doesn't make any sense. I thought he was interested in getting into poly at some point because a couple of his close friends are into polyamory AND he frequently brought up that fact and wanted to know what I felt about it. But of course it doesn't necessarily follow from there that he is into poly or even knows what he wants. I concur that his behavior is pretty bad/ immature/ selfish at the moment but I think everyone is entitled to at least one major relationship F- up, so we shall see.
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Old 06-07-2011, 01:43 AM
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Erosa Erosa is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 139

Reading your original post, I bet you have one of two things going on here.

Either you got ahold of a woman-hating jerk who really just wants to have the adoration of NRE from as many women as possible.

Or you have a genuinely poly man who has been indoctrinated to believe that having multiple loves is impossible and/or immoral.

Actually, it could also be both of these problems.

Either way, it is probably a deep seeded fact of his psychology. You're not likely to change him.

I have to tell clients all the time "if you dont like him just the way he is, don't stay with him. Men don't (usually) change"
- All my Love.
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break-ups, deception, fraud, miscommunication

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