Long distance love

[happy4her]

Thanks for the feedback SG. They are both on the same page with what they want, and not sure how it will work out. At the same time, they are both very interested in finding a way to make it work. I work very hard to avoid being pushy, just providing gentle nudges, as you put it. I think everyone needs a little nudge from time to time.

[nycindie]

Have you searched the forum for previous threads on the topic? Doing so is usually very helpful. Here are some links to other threads about LDRs, which might offer you some insight:

Long Distance

long distance and poly??

Long Distance Relationship

Maybe the distance is a good thing?

surviving a long distance relationship

Long distance love

[happy4her]

Wow, thanks for all the links. I had done some searches and got overwhelmed by all of the discussion of day to day "making it work" type of discussion. We felt that they have that part pretty well covered. My wife and I have had long distance periods in our own relationship so we know that it can and does work. The big difference was that we always knew that there was a clear end in sight.

While she has me to lean on, and her girlfriend has her husband, they are still struggling with not knowing where their relationship is going long term. It is just a different dynamic than a monogamous LDR, and we are trying to figure it out.

Thanks again for all the links, we'll read through them and I am sure there will be helpful information there.

[Kittywitch]

While I'm not new to polyamory in and of itself (I've been poly for 7 years), this is something that I've never experienced before and has been troubling me all day.

A little backstory:

I am engaged to a man (who's not on the site) that I live with. We've been together for almost 3 1/2 years, and plan to be married in November. We have always been poly. When I met him, he was married to his ex-wife, and I lived with them as his girlfriend. As I stated, I've been poly for 7 years, and Shrink has been for, as far as I can tell, his whole life.

Now, my concern:

I recently met a man who lives about 300 miles away from me. We spent all week talking on instant messenger and via text messages, even talking on the phone last night. Today he informed me that he was going to have company over, and told me about a girl he had met a week prior (approximately when he and I met) that was local. To me this implied that she was the one coming over. He also mentioned that she was very jealous type of person, saying that him taking a friend to dinner set her off, that he was with another woman.

So far, I've not heard from him since early this morning (10:30-ish), even though I've TXTed him a couple times, and sent him an Instant Message. This bothers me because normally he was very prompt in responding (admittedly, even when he was supposed to be working).

I can't seem to quell this feeling inside of me that the person that I was really starting to get attached to (which happens quite quickly for me) is going to slip from my hands so shortly after I met him. Perhaps it is just jealousy, or the fact that she's there, and i'm not. But, I don't know what to do.

Obviously if he's not responding, i can't talk to him about it.

I know that there's a chance that his phone died (this happened last night while we were talking) or that his company was there late, but I would still love some advice, encouragement, words of wisdom, positive energy, or something.

More than anything, I needed to get it off of my chest.

--Rei

[redpepper]

The phone thing is a tricky one. I think I would opt for the assumption at this point that he would prefer you not get in touch with him while he is on a date of any kind. I think by continuing to contact him that you are verging on "bugging" him and distracting him from who he is with. Would you want his undivided attention if you were with him? I would think so... so give this woman that also.

If she doesn't know about you then that can be established later and discussed in terms of whether or not you are okay with that. You could also talk about some boundaries around what you need from him before and after he has a date in order for you to feel that he is not abandoning you and does care.

This is a learning curve, so figuring out how to go about it better next time is a possible solution to make sure it is more comfortable for everyone.

[Kittywitch]

I've no idea if it was a date, company, or what. He didn't mention anything just that he had company.

[Kittywitch]

I finally heard back from him, about 30 hours after I first contacted him. Apparently he was just busy and his company stayed the night. While my panic wasn't completely for not, he and I have talked about it.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by Kittywitch

...told me about a girl he had met a week prior (approximately when he and I met) that was local. To me this implied that she was the one coming over. He also mentioned that she was very jealous type of person, saying that him taking a friend to dinner set her off, that he was with another woman.

Why would a supposedly poly man get involved with a woman with those issues? How can he be honest and forthright about his relationships if he's hiding some of them from that one? Something smells fishy.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Kittywitch

I finally heard back from him, about 30 hours after I first contacted him. Apparently he was just busy and his company stayed the night. While my panic wasn't completely for not, he and I have talked about it.

I think you need to ask yourself why you were panicking over someone you've only messaging for a week, and have only spoken to once, just because he was out of touch for... less than a day? It sounds like you really put too much focus on this person. It's not a relationship yet; keep talking to other guys. See what's out there.

[Hopeful]

Think about it from his perspective: even if the girl he's talking with doesn't demonstrate jealous tendencies, he can hardly stop talking to her every few to text us, right? How does he explain that? "Oh, sorry, texting my girlfriend...no, I swear, I'm not a pig, she's married...please sit back down...oh. OK. Call me?"

Originally Posted by nycindie

I think you need to ask yourself why you were panicking over someone you've only messaging for a week, and have only spoken to once, just because he was out of touch for... less than a day? It sounds like you really put too much focus on this person. It's not a relationship yet; keep talking to other guys. See what's out there.

Also this. I've been close friends with my potential OSO for over six years. If he's not available, he's not available. Sometimes we do go a day or two without talking. It happens - and when it does, I typically can assume it's because he's with family, or at the bar with his buddies, or () playing golf. Or maybe talking to a woman who could actually see him in person more than once in a while, which is fair. A relationship develops over time, organically, and a week is just not long enough for you to even know his schedule or habits well enough to judge what his silence means. Just relax and let what happens happen.