Help! I'm struggling as my mono marriage of 20 years is turning poly

[Lemondrop]

Originally Posted by Polymonial

That said, I *did* tell my wife that I wanted her attention at the time, but she told me she was busy. That's why I tried to participate in the activity instead. I guess I could have put more emphasis on my needs to be with her, and that I considered it to be our time together... it's just a fine line between speaking up and sparking an argument, or hurting the OSO's feelings if I pull my wife away from her.

I believe economists call this the principle of "scarce resources", i.e. my wife's time and attention. Both me and the OSO wanted my wife's attention, my wife probably wanted some time to herself as well to scan some photos, and there just wasn't enough of her to go around. Couple that with me feeling a bit low/neglected from previous events that week, and I just didn't handle it well.

SPEAK UP. <-- I have to remember this, particularly when I'm feeling a bit down in the first place.

The more you practice, the easier it gets, but yes, sometimes situations like this one still happen. I feel for you; I empathize, really, because it still happens, even though we're in a better place now.

Originally Posted by Polymonial

... And the jealousy started before the first date.... But when she found out we set up a dinner date, that was way faster than she expected, and she got scared....

In any case, I'm not seeing this other woman anymore. No more dates. I want to make my marriage work (poly it may be) if possible. And even if it doesn't work, I'm not convinced that this other woman is the right one for me. Instead, the bigger question is: do I really need to be in a mono relationship more than I want to stay with my wife? That's what I'm struggling with, but I'm making a conscious decision to put my heart with my wife, seek counseling (because I really DO need help to get over the feelings of betrayal from her cheating), and hope for the best.

What I was trying to put forward is that I think the jealousy was probably more based in fear...that she doesn't know if you're going to stick with her. Whether you leave her to be alone, whether you leave her to be with someone else, essentially she's scared that you're going to be gone. I needed endless reassurance from my husband that he wasn't replacing me; and I still get upset when Sunday (my boyfriend) seems interested in another woman, because I'm still not sure where I stand with him. This is, of course, a decision that you have to come to in your own time, but I was hoping to offer some insight into why she might be acting jealous.

Originally Posted by Polymonial

That said, it's still a very fragile relationship, at least for me. I'm not comfortable committing to it yet because I know I'm not ready, and that my emotions have flip-flopped several times over the past two months since my wife first told me about her OSO and asked for us to be poly.

Yes, two months is a very short time, even though I'm absolutely positive that it feels like an eternity to you. I think I remember every second of every minute of that first few months. I think that it will help you ground yourself if you make sure that you're taking some time just to take care of you. (Feels weird giving that advice to a guy...I'm usually saying it to a woman... ) I found that I was able to relax a bit more when I let myself do something I enjoy when I started to feel wound up. Mostly I go for coffee...I'm such a hedonist. :P But when I feel that resentment building, I go out and make sure I do something fun just for me.

[Polymonial]

It's been six months since we opened up our marriage, and over three months since my last post on this forum. I want to let everyone know how we're doing.

WE'RE DOING GREAT!

Don't get me wrong, we've definitely had some rocky times along the way, mostly due to me in my conversion from mono to poly. We've discussed divorce on multiple occasions, mostly due to the stress or complications of this new style of relationship, of which neither of us had any past experience. But we loved each other every step of the way and worked through it. I've also become increasingly open to others about our new lifestyle, and I love our vee tribe... we're great together.

We're all 100% committed to each other and practice polyfidelity: we're all equal primaries, live together, lifetime LTRs, and even raise our kids together. It's quite amazing and wonderful.

Along the way, I dated a few people and fell in madly love with one that thought she was poly, but after we fell in love with each other, she realized that she couldn't stand the thought of sharing me. We're still best friends and talk every day, and I would gladly be more with her again if/when she's ready in the future. And honestly, even just as friends, it's wonderful the type of loving relationship that we can share.

So that's where we're at now... I think we're finally done with (my) drama and focusing on living our lives as a polyfi family together. I love my tribe, my kids, my friends, and my new life. And if I meet someone special that's interested in joining me as a primary partner in our tribe, then I could gladly accept her in and commit to her... but I'm also happy even if that never happens.

Thank you again for everyone's help and support on this forum as I went through those very rocky first few months. It was tremendously valuable!

-- Polymonial

[Mari]

Wow - Congrats.. As I'm at the very early stages with my husband it is certainly encouraging.

Thank you for this update.

Mari

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Polymonial

WE'RE DOING GREAT!

Awesome! <gives high five>

Originally Posted by Polymonial

And if I meet someone special that's interested in joining me as a primary partner in our tribe, then I could gladly accept her in and commit to her... but I'm also happy even if that never happens.

Just curious (didn't re-read entire thread) - are you open to another man joining the tribe (if your wife wanted to be with one)? I am always curious about group living.

[Polymonial]

It's almost that time to get my one-year chip... I've been successfully poly for almost 12 months now. It was a wild ride in the beginning: opening up our marriage and transitioning from mono to poly. I had a number of emotional ups and downs, and I was completely innocent and naive. (Ok... maybe not "innocent" on all things, but definitely naive on polyamory. )

The support and advise from this forum helped me though my toughest times, in the very beginning. Since then, I've grown to truly appreciate poly relationships of all types: not just romantic relationships but also friendships that can now be closer than previously possible, somewhere between friends and lovers. Thank you for all your help and support.

Oh, and to answer nycindie's question:

Originally Posted by nycindie

are you open to another man joining the tribe (if your wife wanted to be with one)? I am always curious about group living.

Absolutely, I'd be open to any type of relationships that form within our group, so long as they're done openly and consistent with our poly agreement. And of course, I'm also open to how our poly agreement itself will undoubtedly evolve as our family, personal needs, and desires evolve. Personally, I love the idea of group living... that's my favorite form of poly.