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  #101  
Old 03-25-2011, 11:40 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Take pitty on the poor person who is opening the account for you, they probably have gone back and forth to their supervisor 20 times, just making sure they have done everything correctly. Don't be surprised if they come back 2 weeks later needing more paperwork signed.
I wouldn't be surprised, it's already the second letter I get. I don't really have a problem with it, first because it shouldn't be too hard to prove, and second because the worst that could happen is having to pay taxes on interest I make, and honestly, I can't say I would mind.

Still, I'll send everything they want, not a problem. I just thought it was worth mentioning, as it surprised me. I wasn't sure at first I'd even be able to open an account as a non-resident, so I'm glad I could even if it means going through a lot of checking things.
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  #102  
Old 03-27-2011, 06:28 PM
meinsb meinsb is offline
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Your story together is an inspiration to me. I wanted to know what married couples starting polyamory was like. Unfortunatly for me, although I have been open with my wife back when she was my fiance, I didn't really know what polyamory was.

When I first started reading and learning about it, I used it more as a cover for sexual things (more partners).

Because I knew that wasn't truly polyamory I figured I wasn't poly and instead just a typical sexual male.

Then we got married and a year or so went by, and I realized I really do have interests outside of sex in relation to other poeple. And feel love is not restricted to one person.

Now I am faced with getting married without having had the opportunity to be upfront with my wife a head of time that I am truly poly. She is mono. For now I am doing a lot of reading on this forum and trying to learn about myself, and what things can make my wife comfortable.

I do not want to hurt her, and am willing to take things as slowly as is necessary for her to feel comfortable, but I know that pretending that I am mono for the rest of my life will most likely not work. I also want her to feel comfortable remaining mono for the rest of her life since that would be giving her the same freedom to be who she is as I am asking from her to be who I am.

I really enjoyed reading your story, and since its been a while since your last post, I hope everything is going really well!
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  #103  
Old 03-27-2011, 07:36 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Good luck with everything, meinsb. Ultimately, I broke up with my husband, but it was for a variety of issues and not a result of polyamory. I do still wish I could have been upfront about being polyamorous from the time I met him, but I didn't know about polyamory back then.

I believe you can work through everything. Be honest, communicate a lot, try to explain your point of you and understand hers. I don't know your specific situation so I don't know how it will turn out, but I don't want people to look at me and think it means coming out as poly is doomed to break up your marriage. Lots of other people have stayed together and made it work, including mono/poly pairings. And I don't believe the mono/poly aspect caused our marriage to deteriorate, as I wasn't aware of it. I think if he had been poly, like I thought he were, we would have separated nonetheless.

But lots of people who are both mono break up, lots of people who are both poly break up. It happens. I hope people can learn from the mistakes we made, while remembering each situation is unique
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  #104  
Old 03-29-2011, 11:19 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Some more good news on my end.

First, I received the package fom Raga, which was a relief. What I was most happy to get was the USB sensor for that game, a pair of black panties (I had been living on two pairs until now... although I have some money now so I guess I could buy more) and my bathing suit (I want to go swimming and it's hard to find my size).

Raga also forwarded a letter from the government of Canada saying they received something from him (I'm guessing either a letter or phone call) on the 1st of February to cancel his sponsoring me for permanent residency. Since they wouldn't accept me now that we're separated, it was saving us a lot of trouble later on, so that was a really good idea (I have to admit I didn't think of it).

I also contacted a friend in France who said she can let me stay at her place until I find a job and a place to move on my own. I also managed to get my security number back.

Small background on this. In France you get a card called "carte Vitale" which allowed you to get health services or a job, and has your social security number on it. A few years ago, they updated the cards to add a picture to them so the chance of them being used fraudulently would be even lower (they already had a name on it, but adding a picture as well is even better).

So I received a letter in the mail with a form to fill, and I was to send the form, my old card and a picture so they could give me a new card. I did so and they never sent a new card.
And I only knew my social security number because it was on that card. I'd just pull it out and read it when I was asked for it (it's 15 digits long in France so a bit harder to remember).

I need that card to find a job, but when I contacted social security, they were asking of my SSN to prove that I was who I was so they could give me the card. So I needed the card for the number, but I also needed the number for the card. It was a pain.

Yesterday though, I finally managed to remember my number and their website identified me successfully. However they didn't let me add a new address and my old French one is two years old now, so I've decided to send them snail mail to explain my situation and ask if they can send me the forms to be filled here in the US, since the processing time to get a new card is a month or more, and I'd like to have the card as soon as possible so I can work.

So things are looking better for me: I have a place to stay in France when I come back, I have the means to buy my ticket to go back, I'm now able to request a new card so I can work (and get health benefits too, whether I work or not, provided I'm registered as unemployed if I don't).

The only thing that really needs to be looked at still is the divorce. I'm thinking a Canadian divorce would be easier (as you don't have to show up in court), and as I recall we can fill for it already, have it all processed, and simply be divorced once the one year separation occurs, meaning we don't have to wait until then, and then apply. So I'll start looking into it, and also look how to register the divorce once it's complete so I'm legally divorced in France as well.

At this point, I expect to be divorced in about a year, possibly less, taking into account all the possible processing to have it recognised in both countries. Then I'll look into a visa to move to the US permanently, and in the meantime I'm hoping to be able to visit once more.

It might all be pretty technical and boring for everyone reading, but I've been trying to keep a blog now that everything is happening, so I can refer to it later. There is no way otherwise that I'll remember things since everything is so crazy right now.
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  #105  
Old 05-11-2011, 03:19 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I'm in France now (arrived yesterday).
The trip took 24 hours, three planes and I got sick. It sucked, but fortunately that's over.

Had some issues upon arrival too: they wouldn't issue a new bank card (French one) and said I had to call and order one, which would be shipped to me. So I decided to wait because I need to change addresses first. Which I did this afternoon, to take effect on the 15th.
My US bank card got blocked too because of "suspicious transactions". Which was a bit annoying because I told them I'd be back in France after 3 months, but wasn't such a big deal because I could get it reactivated today.

So now I have some money and I'm pretty much done everything I needed to do in Paris. I could leave today but I think I'll stay an extra night and leave tomorrow.

It's pretty hard to think all the people I love (romantically, I mean) are now on a different continent. On the plus side, Seamus's work has said they'd give him time off if he want to come and see me, so he might be able to make a trip to France at some point.
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  #106  
Old 05-21-2011, 01:01 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I'm now in the North of France. Dealing with the relationship being long distance again it's a bit hard. It's something I've needed for a long time though, and I really appreciate Seamus letting me go like that. Raga not letting me go for a couple of years was one of the reasons for the breakup (although now that it has happens it feels like there was no way around it, it was the best for us) so I'm glad I won't have to lose Seamus too.

He's hoping I can get the divorce as soon as possible. Me too. I want to be able to rebuild myself while being divorced, I don't want to get divorced only right before I marry Seamus. I need some time in between, so the longest the divorce take the longest I'll have to be in France, and the longest I'll have to be apart from Seamus.

Fortunately we get to talk almost every day, thanks to emails in particular.

Anyway, as far as being in France goes. I have an appointment on Tuesday with the unemployment agency to get myself register and so they can help me find something. I'm hoping they'll help, but my current roommate was with them for two years before she found something, and she had to look on the side for that, she didn't even find it through them. So I'll have to look on the side too.

I've been working on webcomic translations for a few years, and Seamus is going to make a website where I can put them up. The main domain would be used as a portfolio lwith examples of my work (comics and other things too) and subdomains for each separate comic for French readers to read them.
He's been working a lot and his mom has been sicker than ever so I don't know when I'll have any of it. In the meantime I do more translating so that when I have it I can put stuff in it. So far I have a buffer of about a month and a half if updating every weekday, more if I update less often.
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  #107  
Old 05-26-2011, 07:22 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I hope some people are following my journal, because I've got a question and I would appreciate your advice.

Now that I'm in France, I've been thinking of remaking contact with my ex. Actually when I arrived, the first thing my roommate asked is if I was going to. It's no secret to her, to myself, to Seamus or to Raga that I've missed the guy a lot.

Currently, I'm not planning on starting a relationship with him or have sex, I'm only planning on trying to send a text to the old number I've got asking if it's still his number, and work from there. I didn't contact him while I was in Paris, which is close to where he lives, and now I know that he wouldn't make the trip to where I am, and while I'm planning to go back to Paris on weekends, nothing is planned right away.

I've talked about it with Seamus, and he doesn't like the idea. He's told me that honestly, he's not restricting me at all while we're apart, that I should feel free to do anything from contacting the guy to having sex with him (which he said would be "like con sex") to I guess having a relationship (that would probably be the worst as far as he's concerned), but he's also said that if I contact him he'll be upset.

Seamus doesn't like my ex, D. Raga actually liked the guy a lot because his first impression of him was how he was protective of me and helped me in rough times, and stuff like that. But the first Seamus heard about him was negative stuff, and he thinks the guy isn't reliable, and that he could endanger me. Since he used to do drugs and drink and drive and stuff like that, I can see the point (although he never let me in the car after he had drunk), but good things about D haven't managed to change Seamus's first impression.

I really care about Seamus, but I also really care about D. Even though we had sex a few times and I have good memories of it, I mostly miss D as a friend. However I know there is a chemistry between us and if he's willing we'd probably at least hug and kiss and possibly more, which is why I thought prudent not to contact him when we could meet in person before talking and being clear about what could or could not happen.

But Seamus doesn't mind the physical aspect, he minds the idea that I be in contact with the guy at all. While I'd be fine with some boundaries about not having sex with him, or not kissing him, or not meeting him at all, the idea of not contacting him when I'm finally in the same country hurts me a bit. I feel like I'll probably regret it if I don't.

All the same, I don't want to hurt and upset Seamus. Do you think there is a way to warm him up to the idea, in which case I'd wait until he's fine with it, or do you think he probably won't change and I should just do it now (or never do it)?

At this point part of me is wishing that it's not his number anymore. I have other (roundabout) ways to contact him (for instance through his parents) but I was fine with the idea of never doing so until I found the phonebook with his number in it. From then I've been wanting to check, I feel it's like he's right there and I could just reach out. If he's changed his number then I think I won't contact him for a while (although I still might want to before leaving France, but that leaves me up to a year or two), but if I destroyed the number before trying I think it would always torture me...

I'd really take any advice right now, as I'm torn up. Seamus seems to say he'll feel bad either way. Just knowing I want to contact D made him feel down. And if I don't contact him and becomes sad as a result, he'll be sad too, he keeps saying "I just want you to be happy".

At the same time I think about how Raga lied to me about what he was and wasn't comfortable with because he was afraid I'd leave if he was honest, and I'm afraid of making the same mistakes of making Seamus suffer, this time knowingly as he was honest about his feelings.

I'm really lost. Any advice?
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  #108  
Old 05-26-2011, 08:19 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Tonberry,

Just from reading your last message, it's not clear to me why you want to contact D. Do you miss him as friend? As potentially more? It all feels very murky.

If it's not clear to me, it's probably not clear to you, or Seamus, either. Thinking about why you have a desire to be in contact with D again may shed some light on your motives, and can help address Seamus' fears.

Just a thought.
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  #109  
Old 05-26-2011, 08:39 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I want to contact him and stay in touch because I miss him. I'm fine with not even meeting in person, and if we meet I'm fine with not having sex (I think it would probably be for the best if we didn't, actually). And I don't want a relationship, we never really had one, we were more like friends with benefits, and I don't see him as a life partner or anything like that.

But I do love him a lot. And I feel I do want him to be part of my life, even if we just talk every so often and then spend months or years with no contact. The idea of never contacting him again or seeing him again makes me, well, very sad. It's not a completely out of control panic sad like thinking about never seeing Seamus again, but it's still sadness, and also I tell myself, what's the point? It feels like it would be kind of a pointless sacrifice to stay away from him.

There is chemistry between us so I'm more afraid of something happening if we met than planning on it. But I have resisted him before when he was interested and staying over for the night but I was in a (then) monogamous long distance relationship with Raga so nothing happened, not even a kiss.
And the last time I met him he didn't even try anything, so I think there is a big chance he isn't interested in anything like that.

The reason I thought about all of that is that I thought Seamus's fears or concerns were about D and I getting involved again, due to the fact he doesn't trust the guy (it doesn't help that he's never met him since I haven't seen him since 2008 or so and I met Seamus only a bit over a year ago). But it turns out he doesn't like or trust him even as far as just talking goes, which I guess I don't really get.
I don't want to push the issue too much because he (Seamus) locks down in cases like that. Plus I'm afraid to sound accusatory when I'm just curious, or make him think he (Seamus) is less important than he actually is, or something. And I know if I push the issue even a little bit he'll say "do whatever you want" and then feel bad if I do.

I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm expecting... He's a close friends who was there at some of the worst times of my life, he was supportive and good to me, he rooted for me finding someone, etc. He does have his flaws but I feel he's an important person in my life, and since coming back to France I got back in touch with two other close friends and it feels odd not to with him because someone I met so recently has a bad feeling about it.
Yet I don't want to dismiss that bad feeling either.

I'm not sure if I made things clearer or less clear >.> I'll try to recap: I want to be friends again with D. I wouldn't mind being friends with benefits again, but I think it would probably have more bad consequences than good ones so I'm find avoiding it as well. And I'm fine with only being able to see him in public or something similar that might reassure Seamus. I'm less fine about not being able to see D at all but willing to compromise if we can still discuss through texts or phone calls or other distant methods. I don't feel fine with not being able to contact him at all as it feels unfair, but I don't want to hurt Seamus either.

I don't know why I was fine with not contacting him until I found his number. Maybe it's because he seems closer now. Maybe it's because it was my decision while now it's more like a sacrifice for the sake of Seamus. Maybe I don't like the idea that he gets to make decisions for me.
On the other hand I know he isn't, he's just saying how it makes him feel. I wish I knew how to prevent him from feeling that way. I wish he (Seamus) could be here with me so he wouldn't feel so bad about it.
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  #110  
Old 05-26-2011, 08:51 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I think it's unfair for Seamus to expect to be able to control who you talk to or are friends with. He should have a say in who you're banging, but friends? That's too controlling for me. If it was me, I would keep things with the ex strictly platonic in order to maintain a friendship.

Just my two cents.
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