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Old 05-26-2011, 07:31 PM
JnR's Avatar
JnR JnR is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Central Coast, Ca
Posts: 46
Default Love lost better left that way??

Been thinking about how to write this out without it being a long novel yet get my concerns and questions out there to await the wonderful feedback from you amazing people on this site! So, I am going to try and do a condensed version of the past to get to the things I am struggling with at the moment.

My husband and I got involved in a poly quad and it lasted 2 1/2 years. There were many wonderful and insightful times as well as some struggles and outright ugly times. The best thing that came out of that whole experience is how my husband and I grew in our relationship, the lessons in compersion, communication and acceptance that we are carrying forward with us. Our relationship is stronger than ever and I feel that we have reached a new level in our life journey.

The quad relationship ended with the other couple getting an ugly divorce and cut off contact with the female. Needless to say, neither my husband or I want anything to do with her or the destruction she caused and continues to cause. My husband cared about her and her deception to him caused him pain as well. We continued to see the male of that couple through his struggles to distance himself from his (ex)wife and tried to be loving and supportive to him and his children. The male and I continued our relationship and my husband was comfortable with it and encouraged it, saying that the male needed my love and support more than anything through that difficult time.

The troubles began when my husband starting feeling that the male's dysfunctional life was impinging upon ours. Its so hard to explain the entire situation without details, but suffice to say that the female of the couple was very upset that we were still in contact and helping him, threatening my husband with pedophile charges and just being really crazy and scary. She truly has no boundaries in what she would do in attempt to get what she wants, including making serious false charges and harassment. My husband really tried to stick it out as he knew that I cared deeply for this person, but it was getting increasingly overwhelming. And the male just could not stand up to his (ex)wife and was downright scared of her too... she is that wacky!

Anyway, my husband finally reached his end one night when the other male basically disrespected me through his actions. He told me that this situation was never going to get any better, in fact it was getting worse, and my husband was tired of this man's dysfunctional situation affecting our life. He felt it was a very one-sided involvement and was tired of seeing me stressed and also felt that I was not being a participant in our life, as all of my energy and time was being sucked up by this man's drama. It was hard for me to see, as I was still deeply emotionally attached to this man, but I could see what my husband was saying when I really stopped to think.

Well, my husband is not the best when it comes to social interaction and how to deal with problems and issues. His style is to say, I have had enough, screw it, slam the door shut and never look back. I, on the other hand, do not deal with problems and issues in that way, I prefer to break things off slowly and/or see if there could be adjustments made here and there. My husband put his foot down, told me to tell this man goodbye, to not have any more contact with him, and that was that. No negotiations, no talking about it, he was done and wanted me to be done too. This sent me into a huge tailspin! I wanted to respect my relationship and my husband's feelings, however this man had become almost a second husband to me and I loved him dearly. But, I did as my husband requested and oh boy, the heartache and loss was awful. The other man was very upset and sad and felt abandoned, especially all that he was going through. I felt so torn and devastated. Needless to say, my husband and I fought a lot for a couple months after this incident and that was painful as well.

Okay, now to the present: It has been months since all of that happened and my husband and I went to a few counseling sessions as well to see how we can deal with our very different styles of dealing with people and situations. And I wanted to have the ability to see if I could somehow repair the relationship with this man, be it just a simple friendship or perhaps something that resembled what we had before, just not as daily involved as we were. Between the discussions with the counselor and conversations between husband and I, we came to a compromise. He would be willing to let me see if I could carry on a friendship with this man, as long as I could keep the (ex)wife out of our life and not bring the drama of his life into ours. I should say at this point that my husband does think that this man is a good person, he just could not deal with everything that he was bringing into our life.

So, I contacted this man and told him what my husband and I talked about. He said that he would be willing to give it a try to see if we could form a friendship or some sort of relationship. He is reluctant and I can understand why. He felt very abandoned and betrayed and felt that he did not even get to defend himself or have a say in our relationship. He was told it was over and that was that. Since the time of our breakup and now, he finally starting getting out and dating other women. He is not wanting a committment as he is putting his efforts into his children and how his divorce has affected them. He has found that there are many women out there interested in him (he is a good looking and fun man) and so he is thoroughly enjoying his new found attraction with the ladies lol That stings a little, I have to admit, but overall I am just happy for him that he is progressing from a very abusive marriage and finding himself and moving forward with his life.

Here is my issue: I have tried reaching out to him, calling and seeing if he wants to have lunch, go out for a drink, just spend some time together. I send him funny jokes, emails about what I am doing and whats going on, texts to say hi... and I get very little feedback or interest from him. I miss him tremendously and still love him greatly, but it feels to me that he does not still have the same feelings for me. And that does hurt. I guess I just expected that he would be happy and jump at the chance to rebuild something of what we shared together but its beginning to look like that is not the case. I did finally say something to that effect to him (I am a bit shy when it comes to stating my mind and my feelings) and what I got back from him was that he does still have feelings for me, but he is finding it difficult to open up his heart to me again. He is afraid that the rug might be yanked out from him yet again. He said that if I could help him with that, things could be different. Again, I understand what he is feeling and I can relate to that, not wanting to stick your heart out there again only to be stomped upon.

I am having a rough time with this because I have sent him a few long, heart felt and very insightful emails into what happened and how I feel and my ideas about how we could revive our friendship. The only response I have had to those is that he appreciates it, is busy at the moment, but will get back to responding to what I am discussing and sharing. That was weeks ago and I have never gotten anything from him. My husband used to tell me that he felt that he and my relationship was a bit one-sided, all about what I could provide for him and not much back in that way to me. Hmmm... I hate to say it but I am beginning to think that maybe my husband is right in some way.He seems to make time for the ladies he is currently dating, but just doesn't have it for me. My heart had been on its way to healing over the break up between my boyfriend and I, but now I am starting to feel that same heartache again and I am afraid I have opened myself up to another bummer. This man says he is afraid to open his heart to me because it may get trampled, but I would be opening my heart to him and risking the same thing. I know that someday he will find a woman he wants to settle down with and share his life, and I am fairly certain that at that point he and I would not be able to see each other when that happened. But it is a risk that I am willing to expose myself to, as I love him and if I went around afraid that my heart is going to be broken, then I would never get to experience any love at all

Last edited by JnR; 05-27-2011 at 06:07 AM. Reason: Brought to my attn that since we live in rural area other parties could be identified by my post, my bad
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