Why and how did you get into poly?

What type of poly origin did you have?

  • I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy

    Votes: 42 12.7%
  • I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before

    Votes: 119 35.8%
  • I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle

    Votes: 50 15.1%
  • I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me

    Votes: 42 12.7%
  • Other

    Votes: 79 23.8%

  • Total voters
    332
I want monogamy. He wants polyamory.

Hi, I'm very new to this stuff. And I don't disagree with it, it seems like sometimes it really can work out well, but it's not what I want.

I'll start at the beginning. My boyfriend and I have been going out for over 2 years now, we live together and we've talked about marriage, in the future, and having kids some day. So we're in a serious relationship. I am completely faithful to him and have no wishes to be otherwise. He has been faithful to me, if having a few close encounters, until he met this girl.

Now, he has always been friends with a lot of girls, he likes to talk to them, and I don't mind. So he did mention he was talking to this one, and then when he was stuck without a ride home somewhere, she was nice enough to pick him up.
I thanked her when they came home, because I don't drive, and because it was late, offered that she stay the night on a mattress in the lounge, which she eventually decided on.
That went fine, they talked some of the night, but that's normal, and she left for work in the morning before we were up.

So I guess that started their friendship properly. They continued talking, and at some point saw each other again, and I would often come home and she had just dropped him off or something.
His friends knew before I did. A male friend of ours came over for dinner, and my boyfriend invited her as well. They were talking to each other as we made dinner, and I thought they were getting close, so I even looked at my boyfriend and mentioned it, as though they might soon be together.

I had been working a lot, and they apparently spent a lot of time together, because I later found out they'd had sex while I wasn't home, and then several days later, I found out he'd been with her.
I was devastated, and spent the entire night and next day trying to think what to do, to leave, or I don't know what else.
I found the thought of leaving him too hard to bear.. I love him and I've been so happy with him for so long. I didn't want to break up, I hadn't done anything wrong.

Eventually, I agreed for some reason she should come over for dinner, and was sociable and nice, which was quite painful at the time.
I asked her if she wanted to stay over. And I probably knew what would happen.

Somehow, I let it become a polyamorous relationship. I actually think I fell in love with her after a while, which is handy because I'm not someone who feels right having sex outside of a loving relationship.
For him, perhaps stupidly on my part, I even joined in, though that may have been because I was too jealous to leave him alone often.

But we don't get along, his other girlfriend and I, and I have tried. She's even living with us now, though we have no space, because she was having problems with her flatmates at the time.
For a while it was fine, I suppose we had our own relationship as well, separate from him, which was more comfort and talking than anything, but that's disappeared.

She's told me that she doesn't feel right doing stuff with me, and is sometimes rude to me and then makes a joke of it. I've mentioned it to her and to my boyfriend, but I'm the jealous type and I probably sound like a bitch for bringing it up. Before she said that, I would want to cuddle or touch her somehow, not sexually, and she would get annoyed with me, to the point that she made me seem like I was being a child or something. I have a very high sex drive besides, and now I'm not with her at all, the attention I was used to before from my boyfriend is more than halved.

My boyfriend and I have been fighting lately now, and she gets upset when we do, but I can't live like this and don't know what to do.
I feel like all the changes made have been mine, and I've been called selfish by both of them now, because I can't seem to do anymore.. I'm living with one person who now all but ignores me and another who is frustrated with me being miserable.

Am I supposed to keep them happy at the expense of my own happiness..?
I need help.


.
 
Hi. Welcome to the forum.

Am I supposed to keep them happy at the expense of my own happiness..?
.

The short answer to this is no.

What makes YOU happy. That should be your concern.

To think that all the changes have been yours is a limited perspective. All three of you have obviously gone through changes, and I would imagine that you have all had difficulties and discomfort in this as well. But if this isn't working for you, you need to do something about it. Speak your heart with everyone in the room and keep in mind that these people are dear to you, but most importantly, you must be dear to yourself.

It sounds to me like you know exactly how you feel about this situation. And it's admirable for you to seek advice here, but let's be honest... if you "let this happen" you are denying any responsibility. Take some now and be a good steward of your soul.

Best of luck to you.
 
I agree, you can't sacrifice your happiness for others, communication is the key, You've got to talk about it.

It's funny how life changes sometimes isn't it.

But keep this in mind, most guys wonder what life could be like with another woman, what would it have been like, would I have been happier...

It's just human nature.
 
I wonder if it would help for them to read what you've written? Or a version of it; history as you see it. Perhaps they can add how they see it and then you can sit and talk about it. Looking at the furture might be obtained in a healthy way by looking at where things changed or how they could of been done differently in the past.

It sounds to me like a case of everything moving way too fast. I don't know the time line, but it sounds fast. I'm not a big fan of moving people in just because they are having problems. Living with people is a huge deal, especially loves. To me it warrents a long drawn out process based on it fitting, not roomate trouble, money problems or anything else.

You could ask that this temporary move be over now and she find her own place, you could move or he could move. Living all three of you seems to be an option that has come to an end.
 
The way I see it;

1) He cheated. How did you deal with that?

2) You 'allowed' things to drift into polyamory because? You were afraid that he would otherwise leave you? She was enticing? It was easier than to deal with the pain of him cheating on you?

3) She was not interested in a relationship with you. Do you still identify as monogamous by default or do you see some for of consensual non-monogamy working for you too?

4) She moved in 'just because'. Big red flag! She needs to get her own place. It's not fair to force you out of your apartment so that she and him can enjoy their NRE with no interruptions. Your post reads as things moving blindingly fast and you being left with wondering 'What just happened with my life?'.

So what to do now?

1) Deal with the cheating and the hurt it has caused.

2) Really discuss polyamory this time. Boundaries, foundations, time-management, separateness vs. togetherness, all that jazz.

3) Consider how you can have your own needs met, sexual and otherwise. Do you want to have casual partners for sex and affection on the side or explore a full-blown committed love relationship with a possible future secondary of your own?

4) Move her out. Actually, this needs to be done first.

Sorry to sound a bit curt, I just lost a giant post and tried to recap from memory :D.
 
When did you know you weren't monogamous?

Im having a hard time dealing with the guilt of knowing I cant be monogamous. My partner and I have been together nearly five years. Ive always had the urges to explore other relationships but I havent had the confidence to voice them until now. I feel like this could end my relationship, these feelings. My partner doesn't share my sentiments (which is fine) but I worry how I am going to be able to cope with all of this. Do I stay in the relationship with the partner I love and adore or do I stay to persue what I feel in my heart is the kind of relationships I am supposed to have? :(


My question for all you is: When did YOU know you were non-monogamous and how did you deal with the feelings? Were their any repercussions if you were in a mono relationship at the time?
 
10 years ago when my, at the time, gf and I picked up our first fuck friend.

Over 2 years ago I fell in love with a fuck friend. I realized then I could be poly as well.

I have a love hate relationship with poly. I was comfortable as a non-monogamist but poly .. well I am up and down. I had a lot of anger when I first figured it out. And whether or not I can actually be good at poly relationships, is something I always fight internally with.

There has bneen talk of poly/non-monogamy fitting on a sliding scale range. From "ya I can do non-monogamy" to "holy crap monogamy is for the birds"...

Can you exist in a relationship where you are with one person for the rest of your life knowing you "can" be with others. Thats up to you.
 
please don't feel guilty...

CautiousLoops,

Please don't feel guilty - you have nothing to feel guilty about. You haven't betrayed your partner simply because you're finding yourself with certain sorts of emotions. Keep reading the posts on this forum - you'll see that there are lots of polyamorous people and that there's no need for a person to feel guilty simply because he or she happens to be poly. (Even if you're the kind of poly person who truly "can't be monogamous", there's nothing to feel guilty about unless you actually cheat on/betray your partner, and of course, you haven't done that. But even if you had, the betrayal would be the proper reason for the guilt, not the fact that you're poly.)

You'll also find a great deal of helpful advice in the forum - for instance, advice concerning the importance of communication, empathy, patience, taking baby steps, etc. And you'll find examples of very healthy mono-poly relationships - if I were you, I wouldn't assume from the outset that you and your partner can't be in such a relationship - it may well be possible after all.

In my own case, my husband and I are separating in part because of our mono-poly differences, but there are other factors as well, and I have no doubt that mono-poly relationships can work. I just recently posted my story; if you're interested, you can find it here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10256 (I should warn you though, the post is on the long and wordy side :)). In that post, I go into detail about how I figured out that I was poly and about what ensued between my husband and me. (You'll also see my struggle with guilt; that struggle is part of the reason I hate to see someone like you burdened with guilt.)

But in any case, your situation may be very different from mine, and ultimately, things could turn out very well for you and your partner. Best wishes to both of you!
 
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wow nycindie... that is quite a list. Thanks for taking that on as I was about to! :)

I get the guilt. Especially as my boyfriend is mono/Mono... ;) I feel it, allow it to be and then move on as it isn't healthy or valid and unhelpful. I am what I am and if that isn't acceptable at some point then it will become clear that we are not good for one another in terms of our own happiness and over all health.
 
Thanks for all the responses. It has just been a difficult thing to wrap my head around. Finding out that this is what I want and perhaps what I am meant to be doing has been a very freeing experience, but the fear of losing what I love so much gets me to want to put the brakes on it. Life isnt fair in that aspect, but I truly believe we should do what we are comfortable with and happy with in this life, even if that means changing everything we know to make ourselves happy.


It is going to be a work in progress. My partner mentioned last night that there is a girl he is somewhat interested in. My heart was so happy for him when he said this! Finally, he is opening up and understanding that loving more than one person, or at least caring for more than one person, is entirely possible. I am not trying to push him to see what develops but I am very excited at this prospect. He says his biggest worry is that I say I am OK with this now but once he is pursuing something I will say I am not OK with it and he will "get into trouble". Communication is key here, and I am adamant about keeping the door open to talking always about what we are feeling or thinking.


I love this board. i appreciate all the advice and insight from those of you who are going through it and have been there. It really helps. Thank you.
 
I really like this blog article from the Polyamorous Misanthrope:

“How Can I Tell if I’m Polyamorous?” is the Wrong Question
Posted on November 5, 2010 by Goddess of Java

I ran across a post not too long ago asking how one could know if one were polyamorous or not. I break a bit with a lot of the poly community who see being polyamorous as something of a genetic condition rather than a personal taste. I see where they’re coming from and all, but I’m not sure it’s as ingrained as all that. I think it’s a spectrum. There are polyamorous people who cruise happily along with a single partner much of the time. There are polyamorous people who aren’t dating anyone at the moment. There are polyamorous people who are miserably unhappy unless they date lots of people most of the time. There’s a wide range out there. I’d say that if you’re open to the idea of more than one sexual/romantic relationship, you’re all good with self-identifying as poly, if that takes your fancy.

Other than enjoying one’s relationships, I’m not sure that there really is some acid test that’ll tell for sure whether or not one is poly. I also think a more useful question to ask, rather than, “Am I polyamorous?” is “Are my relationships working?” Being polyamorous is not a Get Out of the Human Race Free card. Sometimes you make mistakes in relationships, even when you’re poly.

There are some basic things you can look for when you’re thinking about
  • You’re Happy
    I want to separate “happy” from “things being perfect”. Life is never perfect. But if you’re enjoying your relationships some majority of the time, that counts. You love your partner(s), enjoy spending time with them, and are fine with dealing with life as it comes to you.​

  • Your Partners are Happy
    If you’ve got a partner up in the bedroom crying most of the time about something, Things Aren’t Working. Either there’s a depression issue that needs to be dealt with, or your relationship(s) aren’t working – or both. That happens, too.

    But when things are working, your partner(s) are going to be happy with you.​

  • You’re Focusing on Living and Relationships Rather Than Polyamory as a Concept
    Unless you’ve made a vocation out of Thinking About Polyamory[1], there’s a lot of stuff you won’t notice. If your husband’s girlfriend has a flat tire and you go help, then get on happily with your day, glad she’s not stranded by the side of the road, yep, that’s a good sign things are going well. If you’re checking in on everyone’s schedule, not because you’re grinding your teeth about the complexity, but are just making plans, yeah, that’s another good sign. If you’re in the mindset of “I don’t have a lifestyle, I have a life” then it’s probably a good sign that your relationships are working out for you.​
I really do think that at the end of the day, it’s not about “Am I Polyamorous?” It’s about having the relationship or relationships that work for you and make you happy. You ensure this by choosing partnerships where you’re good for each other, and is less about relationship form. It’s the people involved that count.

But that’s awesome, because relationships are about people, not theory, right?

[1] And even those of us who do have a tendency just to live our lives and forget about that after awhile, ya know.

-------
http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.c...l-if-i’m-polyamorous”-is-the-wrong-question/"
 
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I know I'm polyamorous because even though i have tried very hard not to (out of a sense of loyalty to my wife, not knowing at the time that there was an ethical alternative to cheating, and I did not want to be a cheater), I keep falling for other women, and even though I have kept those feelings bottled up and have not acted on them, they do not simply go away.

I know I am polyamorous because I have grown bitter and resentful at the con job that is monogamous marriage, and all of the cultural fairytale bullshit that goes along with it.

I know I am polyamorous because my heart breaks at not following through on my feelings, and because I feel a sense of loss over what might have been.

I think that, if you are in a steady relationship with someone, and believe you are in love, and yet you find yourself developing strong feelings for others, while still being in love with your SO, then you might be polyamorous.

This is a different thing from "fear of commitment."
 
I was in a monogamous relationship for seven years, and I'll admit, was quite happy and content. I did not feel this overwhelming urge to date more women, nor did I feel trapped in my marriage. Granted my wife is not the jealous sort. If she ever caught me staring at or admiring other women, her response was more along the lines of "she's cute" or "yeah, I'd do her." We had talked about an open marriage early on in our relationship, and while it had its appeal, that's all we ever did. Talk.

Have I always known I was polyamorous? I guess the answer to that is no.

However, I have never wanted to be single, that much I do know! I longed to have someone to love and share my life with. Whether that is one person or three, isn't really the point. Adding extra lovers doesn't make make me any happier than I already am, but they do have positive impact on my life.
 
I know I'm polyamorous because even though i have tried very hard not to (out of a sense of loyalty to my wife, ...), I keep falling for other women, and even though I have kept those feelings bottled up and have not acted on them, they do not simply go away.

:( sounds too familiar. Though for me it's not women, just one woman.
...but I am the sort that aways prefers to have a small number of very close friends rather than lots of friends that I only share one interest with.


I think that, if you are in a steady relationship with someone, and believe you are in love, and yet you find yourself developing strong feelings for others, while still being in love with your SO, then you might be polyamorous.

This is a different thing from "fear of commitment."

So true. Fear of commitment is fear of truly sharing everything with another.
I think that is very different from poly.
 
How and when did you know?

I think I'm still working this out for myself. I posted last fall, wondering about how to convince my girlfriend or if I even should. I didn't know then. I'm mostly sure now.

I seem to be using shorter sentences than usual tonight, for some reason.

Aside from reading the first chapter or two of Polyamory in the 21st Century I was mostly confused. I had always wanted to be with one woman. One of my friends had an open relationship. I found that out when she brought me home one night, and offered to sleep with me. Maybe not in that order. She actually chickened out the moment she saw her marital bed, but I wasn't comfortable with the idea anyway. A couple months later I was on a date with a mutual friend, and she asked me if I'd ever consider it. I told her I didn't know, but I really thought never.

But I think a lot of that boiled down to not having much self-respect. I figured it would be unfair, that the woman would just get all the action while I stayed home. Now... I feel like I'd get plenty, maybe more than I'd even really want. Wanting that one monogamous relationship... well, I just thought that's how you could get sex. Nothing else seemed realistic to me.

But I was facing the issue with my girlfriend, who I love. When she asked me once, I told her that yes I do think you can love multiple people.

I kept trying to talk myself out of it, so I wouldn't have to lose my girlfriend. I knew she was upset that I was even thinking about other women. No one specific, mind you. Just, in general terms I wanted to experience more women. Watching Mad Men, in particular, made me really love the idea of having a wife I'd build my life with and a girlfriend to act as contrast. A secondary, I guess, who could show me other parts of life.

But knowing she was upset by such thoughts, I examined my own feelings and realized that in thinking of her with other men... I just didn't feel jealous. Moreover, I looked back and I think I always thought it was silly that, if you love someone, you would suddenly stop because they had a few moments of lust with someone else.

So I guess that's my "story." But I was wondering if other people felt the same, or how they came to their conclusion. I still don't know if I've fully accepted it myself... but I do know that if this relationship doesn't work out I'm not going straight into another monogamous relationship.

Wow, I'm really rambly tonight...
 
I did things backwards. I didn't know the term "polyamory" until after I was polyamorous. I'd always had a semi-open relationship with my husband since we first started dating, usually FWB's, and I had some very close friendships, but I never really thought about the logistics regarding being in love with more than one person at a time until it happened. So, I guess I "knew" a couple of years ago, but at the same time I still don't "know" if I consider myself poly in the sense that I don't know if I would look for this relationship structure if I didn't have it. I've never been the kind of person who looks for "The One" or now "The Two" or "The Three" or whatever. Relationships happen, and you have to decide how much work and effort you're willing to put in based on how much you want that person in your life, not how much you want a certain role filled.
 
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