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Old 05-25-2011, 05:42 PM
Mari Mari is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11
Default New here and seeking help/guidance..

Hi,

Well I'm finding my way around and have read a few threads and having chatted with my other half have taken the plunge to post on here so hopefully can have advise along the way.

Although hypothetically in my head I was never against the concept of poly my husband and I hadn't really ever talked in depth about it with reference to ourselves. We have been together now 18 years. Things seemed to head downhill and communication go over the years and as my health (I have RA as well as being diagnosed with a couple of other things recently) got worse I have not wanted to go out as much. Although I do now think it's linked to depression which thankfully I'm trying to get sorted now. Anyway, last year things went really bad and hubby told me he needed 'time out'. I was extremely unhappy and didn't really react well and things continued in a negative way with me finally finding out that he had started dating someone. Anyway, the outcome was him saying that he wanted both of us in his life at that time. I did become friends with her but I was never really comfortable with the concept in my head regarding full on intimacy between them - possibly a link to my own personal insecurities. She's about 12 years younger and in my head more attractive etc etc. They dated for a short few months and then decided that they weren't right for each other in that way. He's said that he's realised now that she wasn't right for him but that the positive thing it has brought is us talking more.

Actually to really put things in perspective, they didn't mutually decide that they weren't right for each other, they had only been dating a few months (I think it was less than 3 and he took me to an event with her and when they popped out for a cigarette she 'dumped' him). He was devastated, and that night I put aside my personal feelings and just held him whilst he wept and was deeply upset about her leaving him. Throughout it was hurting me like hell, seeing him so upset about her breaking it off with him but it also hurt that he was feeling so awful... It's only now, pretty much a year later (it was in early May when she broke up with him) that he feels that it was in a way a 'mistake' as she wasn't meant to be a girlfriend in that way.

We were talking (now a year on) recently re poly as she is now starting to date an old friend of ours and he said that he's not actively 'looking' but feels this is the right thing for him. I am at the 'fluctuating' stage - I feel and can intellectually 'see' it working for both of us but I must admit I am pretty insecure and also, as he has pointed out to me, he's happy with me also dating someone else but I'd have to leave the house! lol

Oh dear, this is rather turning out to be a massive thing rather than a small intro but as you can see we are in a way at a beginning. I have recently lost some weight but have insecurity about my weight and probably some self image issues as well as stuff linked to my childhood (I've got myself on a waiting list for a Counsellor to start to deal with these types of things - a bit late I know at almost 42 yrs!). The wonderful thing about my husband is that he has never made negative comments about my physical changes, and has always tried to be supportive.

My thing now is also as he did suggest to me is to try and make some friends which are 'my own'. In many ways I can be shy at times and when he suggested today that I might want to go by myself to a poly get-together which I believe is held at a pub (I live in England) I felt rather daunted. It's not that he doesn't want to be with me and be supportive, he felt that I might be able to feel more comfortable about asking questions without him about so I didn't feel pressured. I mentioned to him that I might join an online list and he was fully supportive of this.

He has asked me how I'd feel about him having sex with a future partner and I could only honestly say "I don't know". I think that for me and how I currently feel, it would have to be someone pretty special and that I felt secure about but at the same time I don't want to make my husband uncomfortable and can understand in a way how frustrating it possibly is for him having me say 'I don't know' to so many questions.

I was never 100% ok with the relationship he had previously, although she and I are friends now. Part of it I feel is how I found out and also the headspace I was in during that time.

Phew! I won't write any more - but help and advice is majorly welcomed!

Thanks for being patient enough to trawl through this..

Mari

Last edited by Mari; 05-25-2011 at 06:09 PM.
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