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  #11  
Old 04-15-2011, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post

I've found myself unsettled by that sort of ambiguity when the attraction seems obvious (other people have asked about it) and yet there's been no sense of what our relationship actually entails. I've had to step back a bit just to clear my head and regain my equilibrium. My sense of my own attractiveness has been rattled--seriously, is she really attracted to me?
This.

Granted, both of us are in situations that make anything truly solid prohibitive at the moment but I'd like to feel at least comfortable enough to exchange small murmurings of infatuation and hopefulness for some future...something or another. The two times I had the nerve to say something to the effect of "You know, I kinda miss you right now," reciprocation was not expressed. Both times were over chat and his reaction was to respond with a emote.

However, whenever I find myself with free time to drive to town, he seems nothing short of elated. He seems to make room for me in his plans, even if it's last minute and the time we actually spend together feels magical to me...he just never actually initiates plans and when it's over, it seems like it's off his radar entirely (Granted, he has a very busy radar).

We have a friendship level of care and regard for one another that transcends any relationship type stuff. He has always been honest with me, has never lied and has never tried to manipulate me into anything. He has never displayed anything other than utmost respect for my choices and I his.

It's frustrating. I don't want any kind of commitment to some plan of action or another because that simply can't happen right now. I just want to feel like I'm important and like I'm on his mind. I want to feel wanted instead of "out of sight, out of mind."

I feel spooked by this enough to back off and push it away to focus on other things.

Am I overthinking this?
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"Although the most acute judges of the witches and even the witches themselves, were convinced of the guilt of witchery, the guilt nevertheless was non-existent. It is thus with all guilt."
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How can you claim to love someone with all your heart if you can't stand to let them love with all of theirs?
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  #12  
Old 05-25-2011, 11:59 AM
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Oh wow. Update since last time I visited here...

I actually did back off for a while and started focusing on two other men...as well as a couple of brief "makeout" flings that were just fun fluff.

The first man was also very passive with me and I came to find out he simply wasn't interested in me in any serious sense.

The second was (and still is) completely enamoured with me. He's sweet, extremely expressive and romantic and very bright. Two problems:
1. His life is sort of a mess right now and I am in no position (nor am I interested) to "rescue" him. I get the feeling he's looking to me to kick his ass, set him straight and motivate him. Not my style. I don't kick asses.

2. He says he understands my needs to have a completely open relationship but I'm sure he really can't deal with it. I see the edges of possessiveness in his personality and while he's willing to let me do whatever I need to if I'll just give him a chance, I can tell that the idea of me loving other men hurts him...or will.

The truth is: I keep coming back to the man for whom this thread was started because he makes the most sense to me. We laugh constantly when we're together. He influences me in positive ways, we are each others' cheerleaders. I feel safe, sane, happy, likable and wanted with him. We have discussions that range from the profound to the inane--all of them riveting. I feel like I get through to him too--like it's not all me being affected/inspired. He just feels right in a very healthy, cerebral way and I don't want to miss out because I pushed him away out of some lame fear silliness.

We have many of the same political beliefs and he is also a self-identified polyamorous...though recent chats have revealed that his ideal lifestyle is different than mine: He wants plural marriage/relationship with all parties being equal. I crave having a primary relationship that's solid with the liberty to love others interchangeably, but keeping the primary as the priority focus/best friend/teammate/cohort.

We recently spent some time together and after a related-but-still-casual/hypothetical discussion wherein he mentioned that he's willing to compromise, I finally felt comfortable asking for more. I tripped over my words a lot but I managed to spit the main idea out. He says he needs time to think about my request/proposal and I believe him. I believe he won't keep me hanging, but will get back to me when he feels ready.

Our time together lately feels more intimate and connected than ever so I'm not terribly worried. I am starting to melt out of some of my armor.

I have a feeling this will be discussed this weekend when I see him again. I'm ready and willing to respect and accept whatever he concludes...even if it's not in my favor.
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"Although the most acute judges of the witches and even the witches themselves, were convinced of the guilt of witchery, the guilt nevertheless was non-existent. It is thus with all guilt."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

How can you claim to love someone with all your heart if you can't stand to let them love with all of theirs?
-me
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  #13  
Old 05-25-2011, 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I actually had a discussion on this with somebody today. I've encountered two types of poly folks (am not saying there aren't others): those who like to let things evolve into whatever naturally and those who like to know exactly where they stand. And of course one person might swing either way depending on a myriad of other factors. I am of the 'let it be'-school but do sympathize with the 'where we stand'-school. Members of this latter school of thought in the world of (poly) dating often say it is so important to know what the other person thinks of the relationship to avoid misunderstandings, disappointment, and drama. I respect and see this and personally think letting this just be whatever without labels attached is the best way to avoid misunderstandings, disappointment, and drama. Things get complicated when members of these opposing schools want to get it on.
This. About 100 times.

Not everyone wants to talk or 'communicate' until the cows come home. Honesty is much more important, and self-revelations are great to share....but dissecting every aspect of something, leaves differing schools in differing places.
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  #14  
Old 05-26-2011, 03:25 AM
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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
This. About 100 times.

Not everyone wants to talk or 'communicate' until the cows come home. Honesty is much more important, and self-revelations are great to share....but dissecting every aspect of something, leaves differing schools in differing places.
I guess that would place me in kind of a hybrid school (I almost never fit completely in a category, anyway) I'm mostly okay with letting things be chill, but eventually, I have questions and trying to ignore them just makes me feel like my head's going to pop.

I dig the trust/respect/honesty/open communication thing. I need to be able to feel like I can speak freely and be safe from judgment (I do). Now that I've put it out there and been reassured of a few things, I feel like I can chill.

I'm like: tell me what's up now so we can get it over with and move on to the fun stuff.
__________________
"Although the most acute judges of the witches and even the witches themselves, were convinced of the guilt of witchery, the guilt nevertheless was non-existent. It is thus with all guilt."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

How can you claim to love someone with all your heart if you can't stand to let them love with all of theirs?
-me
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  #15  
Old 06-07-2011, 08:13 PM
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This worked out badly. I tried to gently bring it up again and flubbed it up. I admitted feelings of loooooove for him and he ended the relationship entirely...to spare my feelings. I'm slightly annoyed at this because I previously believed we had a friendship-love founded on mutual respect and honesty. I don't need a "white knight" protecting and policing the scene so I don't get hurt. I can handle myself, thankyouverymuch, and I would have appreciated the opportunity to come to any conclusions about what I can and can not "handle" on my own.
He broke my heart.

It sucked.

I'm over it and we're still friends.

His loss, I'm so damned easy to please. I would have been good for him and he me. We would have made quite a team.


I've already begun to look elsewhere; I just don't allow myself to stay heartbroken for long. I've met a really sexy, smart, successful gentleman at a tubing/camping event this past weekend. We had hot makeout time in the hottub and we have plans to see each other again in a few weeks.

I've also got another lovely boy simmering "out there." I'm amusing myself. He knows it. We have quite the little tête-à-tête going back and forth on text.

Love it.

I spent Friday evening dancing and making out with boys (and a girl) to get my catharsis on and my heart in good spirits. It worked.

Ethical slut? Hell yes.
__________________
"Although the most acute judges of the witches and even the witches themselves, were convinced of the guilt of witchery, the guilt nevertheless was non-existent. It is thus with all guilt."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

How can you claim to love someone with all your heart if you can't stand to let them love with all of theirs?
-me

Last edited by stargazer23; 06-07-2011 at 09:15 PM.
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