jealousy over an ex

[tigrrrlily]

Originally Posted by NeonKaos

then file this one in the "don't casually fuck the people you work with".

why do you assume it was casual? (Me, I'm never sure till around the third year....)

[Vivien]

It sounds to me like you just want help with handling emotions, not a devious plot to keep the star-crossed potential lovers apart. Totally reasonable question, IMO.

It makes sense to me that you might feel more jealous now that you aren't involved with this man anymore. When you were with him, you had a relationship with him that it sounds like had its good points, but went wrong. Now that it's over, you no longer have the good points, and it probably stings a little to know someone else is getting a chance to have a better relationship with him that the two of you were able to manage. I get that. Disappointment over not getting X, combined with proximity to someone who is getting X -- that sounds like it would trigger a little envy in many people. There's a thread somewhere here about the difference between envy and jealousy... maybe take a look at that?

Maybe you still have some desire for a relationship with this man. If that's true, you could either pursue another shot with him or decide to live with your emotions, right? Living with your emotions can be hard, and that doesn't make you bad. Are there things you could do to distract yourself from thoughts of these two dating? Are you finding yourself obsessing about it? If so, maybe find some activity you can do every time you think about them: go for a short walk, make a cup of tea, call a friend, do multiplication tables in your head.. anything to reroute your brain.

[nycindie]

tigrrrlily,
First, there are a TON of threads here on jealousy, so if you do a search...

Second, I will share a little bit I've recently learned about jealousy.

When I feel jealous, I ask myself, "What is it specifically that I am jealous about?" I keep digging deeper and deeper, because I think that jealousy is there over top of other feelings. If you can get to the deeper feelings and just experience them, it helps dissipate the jealousy.

For me, jealousy usually pops up because I have doubts or insecurities, or the person I'm jealous of has either lied or been deceptive in some way, because I think the degree of jealousy I experience is also closely related to trust. But jealousy is also tied in with comparing oneself to others and seeing yourself as coming up short somehow, or more deserving of what the other person has, or less deserving if your esteem is really low.

I have somehow learned to step back from the jealousy when it occurs and examine it. I don't get it right every time, but when it works, it's very freeing. I just ask myself why I was jealous, and get really analytical abut it. I don't think it's enough to say, "Okay, I'm jealous, this is unbearable, how can I stop feeling this way?" Ya gotta look more closely, I think. In so doing, you might find out that what you think you are jealous of isn't it at all. It could be hurt, loneliness, envy, feeling left out, feeling abandoned, feeling somehow "less than."

For example, late last year, I was jealous of another woman who was getting attention from a guy I was seeing, even though he made it clear they were only platonic friends. I realized my jealousy stemmed out of my loneliness (he and I didn't get to see each other very often), and feeling a little sorry for myself.

It's much easier to feel jealous than it is to feel lonely! No one wants to feel lonely. Heck, most of us don't want to admit we're lonely, ever! I know I am much more willing to get caught up in the emotional drama that is stirred up by jealousy than to just sit and feel lonely or whatever else is underneath it.

I have read that jealousy usually involves a mix of different emotions. Perhaps yours is "sitting on top of" other feelings that you are less willing to look at. It's something to consider.

I have a friend who wrote this in an email to me: "Your job is to love yourself unconditionally and energetically disconnect your projections from your partner. We always project ourselves onto our partners and when we lose our partners - unless we reclaim those facets of ourself we have delegated to the other - the feeling is as if our very selves, our souls are being sundered." When you feel jealousy about your ex's relationship, is there a part of you that you feel is being neglected, hurt, or that you've lost something? People often want the other person to fulfill something in us. We often project something onto them, which could be an aspect of ourselves that we want to come to terms with somehow.

Originally Posted by tigrrrlily

I know he's seen other people since me and it bothers me a little but I get over that. Its his interactions with our mutual friends at work that get difficult.

But why? What is it about the interactions that bother you? Have you genuinely asked yourself that? NOT, "oh why does this bother me" -- as if there's something wrong with you for feeling this way but, rather -- "what is bothering me? What is it? Hmmm," like a scientist. Get down to the nitty-gritty to see it. Simply seeing things for what they are, without "doing anything" about it, is enough to let it go. The jealousy and other emotions will stop having any power over you when you know exactly what it is.

I think that it is important to become aware of things like this and look clearly at the dynamics of a relationship, and at the feelings of jealousy themselves. I am always surprised at the sense of calm I experienced when I step back from my jealousy to look at it more objectively. Consider your jealousy an opportunity to learn more about yourself and how your mind works.

We don't need to get wrapped up in our emotions, we can actually observe them. Becoming clear about who one is, what one wants, the mix of emotions we experience, and what needs one hopes our partners (or exes!) can fulfill, would help deal with any jealousy (and any other uncomfortable feeling) that comes up.

[JnR]

Wow nycindie... I needed that today!!! I have been struggling with a 'jealousy' issue, but after reading your post, I do believe it is more of a loneliness and sense of loss that I am feeling. Now I will go and do some thinking...

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by JnR

Wow nycindie... I needed that today!!! I have been struggling with a 'jealousy' issue, but after reading your post, I do believe it is more of a loneliness and sense of loss that I am feeling. Now I will go and do some thinking...

Hey, you're welcome, but don't spend too much time thinking! Awareness isn't about ruminating over things to the nth degree - it's simply about shedding light on stuff ("enlightenment") and seeing what is. Now you say, "Huh. I'm lonely." Do you really need to pick that apart? No! The next moment the loneliness may not be there anymore. Go out and call a friend, be with people, or find something to do by yourself that makes you happy. The loneliness (or whatever feeling we are avoiding) won't stick around once you allow it to just be. See it and it will "complete itself." Avoid it or overthink it and it hangs around, causing mischief.

[JnR]

'It' has definitely been causing mischief!!! But now that I can put it in its place, I can see what I need to do. When it was 'jealousy' I felt like I couldn't do anything about it. Now that I can see that it is something else, I can see that there is something I can do Thanks again! I haven't posted on this forum but a couple of times, but I have been doing lots and lots of reading and its been fantastic! Thanks to all

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by tigrrrlily

why do you assume it was casual? (Me, I'm never sure till around the third year....)

From this:

We're sort of friends. We work together. Its awkward. We like each other but somehow fucking fucked things up.

"Sort of friends" and "like each other", to me suggests "casual". Excuse me if it was "serious". But this is why I "assumed" it was "casual" - because of your choice of words.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by nycindie

When I feel jealous, I ask myself, "What is it specifically that I am jealous about?" I keep digging deeper and deeper, because I think that jealousy is there over top of other feelings. If you can get to the deeper feelings and just experience them, it helps dissipate the jealousy.

This. Dig around and find out *specifically* what is causing the problem.

A couple of questions might help:

What will happen if he dates somebody else?
What will not happen if he dates somebody else?

Answer those with specifics and in relation to you.

What do you imagine/fear will happen to *you* if he dates somebody else?
What do you imagine/fear will not happen to *you* if he dates somebody else?

[Somegeezer]

My earlier post was quite harsh, but I'm happy that it is generally agreed upon, with a nicer tone perhaps. I'm sorry if it felt like I was having a go at you.

I agree with some of the other things said too.

Certainly looking at what it is you are jealous for, or even if it is jealousy and not just a feeling off loss or something, is a good way to start. Talking to the both of them about what it is you do feel and have them communicate back will help you understand where you are at with them. Like someone said... Maybe you just figure out it really is over and that should give you an easy place to "get over it" from.

Getting over something doesn't have to be thought of like a switch either. It can and probably will take time. But if you understand it is over and that you can pursue something or someone else, get your mind off it with some fun activity perhaps? Then you will find it a lot easier to to just go by life without worrying about what you really didn't need in your life.