The inevitable thirdness of being the third

[Karelia]

Originally Posted by YGirl

I find it a peculiar thing to say "the" third person. Because, when there are three people, every one of them is a "third person" from a certain perspective.

I very much agree with this perspective. For example, G & K are good at strategy games. I am not. It's frustrating to play them, and I feel stupid. So, this is something they share that I am not really a part of... same with jigsaw puzzles. I hate them with a passion. He had her read The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I read Anthem years ago, and it was tolerable... but Ayn Rand is a pedantic writer and I just can't handle her dense books. I decided it was okay for them to have this without me... but there were times when I felt a bit left out by it.

She and I share some TV shows without him, and he and I have some without her. He and I are both atheists, while she's sort of vaguely spiritual. He and I agree about politics - we're almost exactly of the same mind on every political issue.

One big thing they shared related to sex. It's too private for sharing here, but suffice it to say it's something I can't relate to or even really understand... traumatic experiences from their past, and they shared a pretty intense moment over it - one that took me by surprise, and was really hard for me because it was something I was never able to do for him... and it's something I rationally know I don't want to share. All the same, it was a situation where I was definitely in that "third" position.

So, while I agree that the third in an established relationship is often the one with the biggest emotional risk involved, I don't think it's entirely fair to think that you are ALWAYS the third simply because you came last. It just doesn't work that way in our triad, and it shouldn't. My guess is, if you always feel like the the third, you're not in the right relationship for you. Most of the time, we feel like three... but there are times when we break down into two, and someone else is the third besides our girlfriend.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by Karelia

I very much agree with this perspective. For example, G & K are good at strategy games. I am not. It's frustrating to play them, and I feel stupid. So, this is something they share that I am not really a part of... same with jigsaw puzzles. I hate them with a passion. He had her read The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I read Anthem years ago, and it was tolerable... but Ayn Rand is a pedantic writer and I just can't handle her dense books. I decided it was okay for them to have this without me... but there were times when I felt a bit left out by it.

OK - Mini hijack - Ayn Rand is over-rated. She was also a paranoid Speed freak. I read the Fountainhead in high school (wasn't "forced" to, but did it for extra credit) and I did NOT identify with the "Good" main characters but rather with the rich guy who owned the newspaper for some reason. Thank goodness I learned to smoke pot shortly thereafter. I also forced myself to read "We the living" because it was about the Russian Revolution, but I did not receive the message(s) that the author intended to convey.

As you were.

[violet]

Originally Posted by redpepper

HML, violet and Anne-I'm not sure why you are calling your relationship a triad when it seems it's a "V?"

It seems that you have a "V" relationship which means that Anne is not a "unicorn." Which means that she is different from Ceoli.... I might be wrong on this, but I haven't heard you say anything about your love for her in terms of romantic love and connection....

Just to clarify for everyone, we are indeed a triad. I've been focusing mainly on my own problems without stating how I feel for Anne. She and I are DEFINITELY romantically involved. I love her very, very much. Because the relationship is still young, I don't feel AS strongly for her as I do for HMA, but that will come in time. She's on the same page - she and HMA have an established friendship and a stronger relationship with one another than she has with me, but she's very much as in love with me as I am her - if not more so.

She and I go on dates, have sex, have long conversations and everything else that goes along with being in a relationship with just the two of us. We consciously do our best to make time for just one another, so that our relationship can bloom and we can solidify the romantic connection between us.

I tend to forget to mention the positives within our relationship - I'm having so many little issues and so worried about discovering new "filaments" that we may trip over that I'm just being a space case.

So yeah. Didn't mean to ramble (I'm sooooooo sleep deprived today...), but to clarify, we are indeed a triad!

[MonoVCPHG]

To aproach the idea of being a third from my perspective I use the concept of the supporting actor. I have always preferred not to lead although in my line of work people are drawn to follow me. I find that I am most comfortable when I am supporting a boss I respect essentially. I like being the right hand man and the temporary lead in some cases if they are not available.

I think this is another reason that I feel so comfortable in our "V" as a "secondary" primary. I respect her husband and his position as her husband.

Every movie needs a supporting actor! I like my role and think it suites me well. Redpepper's husband is the lead man in her life but I will do my best to support him. Maybe I'll even get an Academy Award

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

Well, as I suspected, she would like to return to being monogamous with her husband. She doesn't want anyone else involved. In her words, she wants it to be "just her and him, before this whole misguided adventure began".

I guess we'll have to see how that all plays out...whether a friendship can be maintained or not. Either way, it was handled in a way that was pretty inconsiderate of my feelings and I've been burned. And it's also clear that while her feelings may have changed about things, it seems his feelings haven't. That's something they're going to have to settle and I've said what I can say about my side of it. Again, we'll have to see. I've been very clear about my feelings throughout this while they haven't been.

For couples who wonder why unicorns are so rare, it is because this is the sort of thing that happens the majority of the time. I've known too many people who have been burned this way. People aren't going to be quick to jump into situations where they are still disposable no matter how sincere and earnest the couple may seem.

ceoli-I'm sorry and thank you for sharing! I know it must be hard-I'm not in your position. But my whole concern all this last week has been how to ensure that while I "gently" ease my dh into this poly thing that C does not have his feelings ignored and that he feels just as loved and cared for as he has been for every minute of our 16 year friendship.

I actually asked each of them to read this thread when you first started it-in the hopes that they would find info that would help them with cementing a friendship between them that would ensure his emotional needs are considered and met as well. I think it's imperative that we are each considered equally in terms of the relationship. Yes our marriage has been there for years-but so has my friendship with C and both are critically important to me and both deserve the respect of the long term time put into the individual relationships.

[maca]

Srry Ceoli,
I really felt a hard lump in my throat.Im going to have to talk with my wifes other partner this week.I have Undealt with resentment towards him still from the affair he had with my wife.I dont see as how we can go on like this and have it work sooo...

Srry guess I sorta jacked the thread

My point was I see now that its so very wrong to not consider the "third".I feel like such an ass for the way I have been treating him.I hope we can work it out.

For whats its worth Ceoli you have opened my eyes to how devestating and hurtful my actions and words can be.

[Ceoli]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Every movie needs a supporting actor! I like my role and think it suites me well. Redpepper's husband is the lead man in her life but I will do my best to support him. Maybe I'll even get an Academy Award

Nice analogy

While my professional life tends to put me in lots of leadership positions, I find my personal life (and my love life especially) ends up with the "always the bridesmaid and never the bride" dynamic. I tend to be the support system for a lot of people in my life. It feels even more so in the poly dynamics I've had so far, always being secondary with no primary of my own. I'm working on recognizing and dismantling the shit that I do to create that situation in my life.

I'm kinda tired of that and wouldn't mind being first for someone for a change. It's not happened for me yet and sometimes the patience is harder to keep than other times (I'm fucking 36!), but I haven't exactly lost hope yet.

[Ceoli]

LR and maca, thanks so much for those words

It really makes me feel a lot better to know that people who aren't in my position can be open enough to look at my perspective and hopefully have a positive effect for others in my position.

But honestly, it's just nice to be heard, regardless of the result, so thanks. <3

[maca]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

I'm kinda tired of that and wouldn't mind being first for someone for a change. It's not happened for me yet and sometimes the patience is harder to keep than other times (I'm fucking 36!), but I haven't exactly lost hope yet.

It will happen for you Ceoli.When your least expecting it.My Father was 58 when He found someone that REALLY makes him happy.<hugs>

[LovingRadiance]

Ceoli-your story, your words are helping us figure out the dynamics in our life. You all will figure out quickly reading around, so I'll just put it out there-maca is my husband. I love him dearly and he's a wonderful man. I've been so lost and much of what has happened in our relationship many of you would have walked away from me by now-but he has struggled with me and stuck it out.
We're finally making good progress in addressing all of OUR LIFE and getting "on track" so to speak, but reading your thoughts, feelings, experiences, they help so much.
I'm sorry you had to go through that-but I'm so glad that you shared it!

Mono-you SO remind me of our "third"!!!!!!! Cracks me up every time I read one of your posts!!!!

Ceoli-I'll be hoping for a 1st position just for you!!!!