Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 05-18-2011, 02:56 PM
LuvXX LuvXX is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 4
Default

Thanks for your advice. I think I'm going to refrain from "risking everything" and standing up to her since I've never even met her yet. :-P They opened their marriage way before my husband and I did, but we've moved a lot faster and they, I think at this point (or rather, SHE), are just taking it much slower than we are. It's just frustrating when people involved are moving at a slower pace, but I think I just need to be more patient - which I have a hard time doing. :-P

I do like the wig idea! :-P
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 05-18-2011, 05:26 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

At this point, he's simply cheating. Do you really want to enable cheating?
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 05-18-2011, 06:38 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,691
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

This woman is not talking about her issues and she's bossing you around. I simply would risk everything and stand up to her in a compassionate way and tell her everything whether she likes it or not. What is she going to do? She can't tell you both not to see each other,
Yes, she can.

Quote:
... but if she is treated with respect and dignity and compassion she might just see that she is still loved, still considered and still had her partner...and come to the realization that she can't expect you not to see him. We all had to go through this stuff (well most) and so should she if she wants to have more partners in her life also. Even if she doesn't, if she wants to hold her marriage together, then dictating what her partner does is not going to have that result I don't think.

They have created a situation where you are now cheating with him. Did you want to be a cheater or poly... that is the question. DADT with rules on top that dictate and adding when someone can see another, is not balanced and not sustainable I don't think. It usually leads to cheating and more pain... the pain of facing what is really happening is far easier than the pain of cheating. I think she needs to know that... and you can tell her that.

Tell her you love her man, want to be able to see him once a week and that its bigger than sex. It's a relationship and you are no longer seeing it as an "open relationship" but would like something poly. If she is unable to take it and he backs out of being responsible and doesn't look after his needs or yours because he is wimping out, do you really want to be with him? Is that what you think makes for a good relationship and a good match for you? Ask for what you need and don't settle for anything less. It's possible I think if there is love, compassion and patience (while you wait for her to sort herself out) in the asking.
I went through almost this exact scenario with a so-called polyamorous MF married couple. This attractive bisexual guy had an ok cupid profile up, he was looking for men or women, looking for a relationship, not just sex. Soon after he contacted me and we'd been chatting online for a while, he told me he and his wife weren't seeing eye to eye on many things and he was seriously considering divorce.

So, I met with him and we had sex. We also had good talks, shared food, walked in nature... it was lovely. We had a lot in common.

Soon after this he and his wife seemed to work out some of their issues and had decided to stay together. He hadn't told her about me yet. I kept encouraging him to do so, and he finally did.

Of course, she hit the roof, because he'd basically cheated on her.

We took a break over the winter and then he contacted me again in the spring and we IMed for a couple months. In the summer I went to their place and spent the day with them at their house. We also went swimming together. Nice day.

But soon after that the word came down. She didn't want him and me to continue, she was threatened by the feelings we had for each other, and the only thing he was allowed to do was have sex-only hookups with men, just to satisfy his desire for cock. Just one night stand, Craigslist types of things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LuvXX View Post
Thanks for your advice. I think I'm going to refrain from "risking everything" and standing up to her since I've never even met her yet. :-P They opened their marriage way before my husband and I did, but we've moved a lot faster and they, I think at this point (or rather, SHE), are just taking it much slower than we are. It's just frustrating when people involved are moving at a slower pace, but I think I just need to be more patient - which I have a hard time doing.
This woman isn't poly. She wants him to just have sport-sex-only infrequent hookups. I don't see much future with them for you until he and his wife do a lot of soul searching and clear communication around jealousy.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 05-18-2011, 09:41 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

@mags- true enough but they don't have to agree or settle on her decision alone.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 05-18-2011, 10:46 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,691
Default

The husband may think he has to go with his wife's desires, as in my scenario above.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 05-19-2011, 12:44 AM
LuvXX LuvXX is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 4
Default

The reason why he's sneaking is because at this point we've made such a strong connection, we feel like we need to be together more than she's allowing and her trying to hold us to every few months is not enough for us. But he believes the longer we see each other, and she sees that she's not going to lose him, the more comfortable she will become. I know it's wrong, but we are allowed to see each other and their marriage IS open, we're just seeing each other more often than she wants right now. I don't know. Maybe I'm justifying what we're doing because we both really want to be together. It's a tough situation. He said if his wife told him not to see me anymore at all, he wouldn't be able to just stop seeing me. We talk online every day, email 20 times a day. She knows we're in contact, but not quite that much. I do feel like I'm enabling cheating, but on the other hand, she allowed it and then pulled the rug out from under us.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 05-19-2011, 12:57 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

I can see how according to "the book" it's cheating, but according to the way things play out in real-life, there are situational grey-areas. This is tough. Everyone should be on the same page. What can be done to get there?
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 05-19-2011, 06:32 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LuvXX View Post
I know it's wrong, but we are allowed to see each other and their marriage IS open, we're just seeing each other more often than she wants right now.
Its the whole concept of being "allowed" to or "not allowed" to that makes me think of cheating I think. How can someone "allow" you to do anything? You have to agree or disagree no?

You can disagree with her and do it anyway, but I suggest that she know this and know you are sneaking instead.... otherwise its cheating to me. Basically, it isn't her business or within her control, I don't think, how much you see each other. The key to me, is to tell her that and then get to the bottom of how she is feeling. If she comes up with good reasons like its going too fast for her, then perhaps a temporary compromise can be made, otherwise she is being bossy and demanding and you will just cheat with him as a result of no one getting their needs met.

Consideration, being honest about feelings when they are communicated and pacing is what seems to be missing here.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 05-20-2011, 11:37 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Your bit about how you and hubs are taking away rules as you progress, but they (she) seem to be adding them triggered me to send you this: http://tacit.livejournal.com/157242.html

Here's the intro, which should get you hooked!

Quote:
Let's assume your relationship is a refrigerator. One day, a problem arises in your relationship--the refrigerator quits working. You walk into your kitchen, there's a puddle on the floor, and all your frozen pizzas and ice cream are a gooey mass in the bottom of the freezer. There are a few things you can do at this point, once you've mopped up the mess and scraped the remains of last night's lunch out of the fridge. One solution is to fix the refrigerator; another is to replace it. A third solution is to leave the refrigerator exactly where it is and change your life around the problem--"From this day forward, I will bring no frozen or refrigerated foods into this house." In the poly community, the last option is the one most people choose.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
nre

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:57 PM.