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  #11  
Old 05-18-2011, 02:56 PM
LuvXX LuvXX is offline
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Thanks for your advice. I think I'm going to refrain from "risking everything" and standing up to her since I've never even met her yet. :-P They opened their marriage way before my husband and I did, but we've moved a lot faster and they, I think at this point (or rather, SHE), are just taking it much slower than we are. It's just frustrating when people involved are moving at a slower pace, but I think I just need to be more patient - which I have a hard time doing. :-P

I do like the wig idea! :-P
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  #12  
Old 05-18-2011, 05:26 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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At this point, he's simply cheating. Do you really want to enable cheating?
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  #13  
Old 05-18-2011, 06:38 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

This woman is not talking about her issues and she's bossing you around. I simply would risk everything and stand up to her in a compassionate way and tell her everything whether she likes it or not. What is she going to do? She can't tell you both not to see each other,
Yes, she can.

Quote:
... but if she is treated with respect and dignity and compassion she might just see that she is still loved, still considered and still had her partner...and come to the realization that she can't expect you not to see him. We all had to go through this stuff (well most) and so should she if she wants to have more partners in her life also. Even if she doesn't, if she wants to hold her marriage together, then dictating what her partner does is not going to have that result I don't think.

They have created a situation where you are now cheating with him. Did you want to be a cheater or poly... that is the question. DADT with rules on top that dictate and adding when someone can see another, is not balanced and not sustainable I don't think. It usually leads to cheating and more pain... the pain of facing what is really happening is far easier than the pain of cheating. I think she needs to know that... and you can tell her that.

Tell her you love her man, want to be able to see him once a week and that its bigger than sex. It's a relationship and you are no longer seeing it as an "open relationship" but would like something poly. If she is unable to take it and he backs out of being responsible and doesn't look after his needs or yours because he is wimping out, do you really want to be with him? Is that what you think makes for a good relationship and a good match for you? Ask for what you need and don't settle for anything less. It's possible I think if there is love, compassion and patience (while you wait for her to sort herself out) in the asking.
I went through almost this exact scenario with a so-called polyamorous MF married couple. This attractive bisexual guy had an ok cupid profile up, he was looking for men or women, looking for a relationship, not just sex. Soon after he contacted me and we'd been chatting online for a while, he told me he and his wife weren't seeing eye to eye on many things and he was seriously considering divorce.

So, I met with him and we had sex. We also had good talks, shared food, walked in nature... it was lovely. We had a lot in common.

Soon after this he and his wife seemed to work out some of their issues and had decided to stay together. He hadn't told her about me yet. I kept encouraging him to do so, and he finally did.

Of course, she hit the roof, because he'd basically cheated on her.

We took a break over the winter and then he contacted me again in the spring and we IMed for a couple months. In the summer I went to their place and spent the day with them at their house. We also went swimming together. Nice day.

But soon after that the word came down. She didn't want him and me to continue, she was threatened by the feelings we had for each other, and the only thing he was allowed to do was have sex-only hookups with men, just to satisfy his desire for cock. Just one night stand, Craigslist types of things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LuvXX View Post
Thanks for your advice. I think I'm going to refrain from "risking everything" and standing up to her since I've never even met her yet. :-P They opened their marriage way before my husband and I did, but we've moved a lot faster and they, I think at this point (or rather, SHE), are just taking it much slower than we are. It's just frustrating when people involved are moving at a slower pace, but I think I just need to be more patient - which I have a hard time doing.
This woman isn't poly. She wants him to just have sport-sex-only infrequent hookups. I don't see much future with them for you until he and his wife do a lot of soul searching and clear communication around jealousy.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
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  #14  
Old 05-18-2011, 09:41 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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@mags- true enough but they don't have to agree or settle on her decision alone.
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  #15  
Old 05-18-2011, 10:46 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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The husband may think he has to go with his wife's desires, as in my scenario above.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
In a newish relationship with Steve, (34, poly)
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
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  #16  
Old 05-19-2011, 12:44 AM
LuvXX LuvXX is offline
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The reason why he's sneaking is because at this point we've made such a strong connection, we feel like we need to be together more than she's allowing and her trying to hold us to every few months is not enough for us. But he believes the longer we see each other, and she sees that she's not going to lose him, the more comfortable she will become. I know it's wrong, but we are allowed to see each other and their marriage IS open, we're just seeing each other more often than she wants right now. I don't know. Maybe I'm justifying what we're doing because we both really want to be together. It's a tough situation. He said if his wife told him not to see me anymore at all, he wouldn't be able to just stop seeing me. We talk online every day, email 20 times a day. She knows we're in contact, but not quite that much. I do feel like I'm enabling cheating, but on the other hand, she allowed it and then pulled the rug out from under us.
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  #17  
Old 05-19-2011, 12:57 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I can see how according to "the book" it's cheating, but according to the way things play out in real-life, there are situational grey-areas. This is tough. Everyone should be on the same page. What can be done to get there?
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  #18  
Old 05-19-2011, 06:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LuvXX View Post
I know it's wrong, but we are allowed to see each other and their marriage IS open, we're just seeing each other more often than she wants right now.
Its the whole concept of being "allowed" to or "not allowed" to that makes me think of cheating I think. How can someone "allow" you to do anything? You have to agree or disagree no?

You can disagree with her and do it anyway, but I suggest that she know this and know you are sneaking instead.... otherwise its cheating to me. Basically, it isn't her business or within her control, I don't think, how much you see each other. The key to me, is to tell her that and then get to the bottom of how she is feeling. If she comes up with good reasons like its going too fast for her, then perhaps a temporary compromise can be made, otherwise she is being bossy and demanding and you will just cheat with him as a result of no one getting their needs met.

Consideration, being honest about feelings when they are communicated and pacing is what seems to be missing here.
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  #19  
Old 05-20-2011, 11:37 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Your bit about how you and hubs are taking away rules as you progress, but they (she) seem to be adding them triggered me to send you this: http://tacit.livejournal.com/157242.html

Here's the intro, which should get you hooked!

Quote:
Let's assume your relationship is a refrigerator. One day, a problem arises in your relationship--the refrigerator quits working. You walk into your kitchen, there's a puddle on the floor, and all your frozen pizzas and ice cream are a gooey mass in the bottom of the freezer. There are a few things you can do at this point, once you've mopped up the mess and scraped the remains of last night's lunch out of the fridge. One solution is to fix the refrigerator; another is to replace it. A third solution is to leave the refrigerator exactly where it is and change your life around the problem--"From this day forward, I will bring no frozen or refrigerated foods into this house." In the poly community, the last option is the one most people choose.
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  #20  
Old 10-24-2016, 04:47 PM
SoConfused SoConfused is offline
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Default I am in the same boat

Hi, I am in a very similar situation as you, with some differences. My husband and I decided to give swinging a try and we met a few couples however pretty much right away we met a couple that we just clicked with. We became exclusive one week in and a month later she is in love with my husband and her husband and I are crazy in love with each other. We had been together for 2 and a half years when everything went to hell. Their marriage was on the rocks when we met however through our friendship together we helped them through it. They have helped my husband and I as well. We all became a family, we were together every weekend and shared our families (no one in our families know about what we actually were, they just thought we were really good friends). My other man and I fell so in love with each other, sex is the best ever and we just connect on a level like I have never had before, not even with my husband. Dont get me wrong my husband is an amazing man and we have been together for 17 years however the connection I have with my other man is beyond anything I have ever experienced, even 2 and a half years later. The trouble is she started seeing how close we were and even though she was close with my husband as well it wasnt enough for her. She wanted exactly what him and I had. If he sent me 5 text messages he had to send her 10. If he called me once he had to call her 5 times. If he liked something of mine on facebook he had to post love quotes to her. Her and my husband have really high sex drives and neither of us though we did, that is until we met each other. We had to lie to our spouses about how many times we had sex because they would have freaked out if they knew. Due to her controlling and jealousy issues she called off our foursome and we are no longer allowed to be together, which is heartbreaking to me. We are not supposed to have any contact whatsoever but he calls me at work everyday still. I know it is wrong to lie but we do genuinely love each other and we dont want to be apart. I cant see a life without him and he feels the same way about me. Neither of us want to break up families and we have not met up in secret (but I cant say that eventually we wont). I think this is a downside to poly relationships. If you enter into them when your own relationships are not in a good place and you end up falling in love with someone else and the sex is amazing it really messes with your head. I am no longer sexually attracted to my husband however he still has a very high sex drive (something she used to be able to take some of the stress off of my shoulders). Now I am not seeing him and having sex with my husband even on times when I dont want to. I miss him very much and I dont know where to go from here. You are not alone.
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