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  #71  
Old 11-06-2010, 01:04 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Interesting.
Horrifying.


I'm a huge promoter of upfront, honesty.
Learned the hard way.
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  #72  
Old 11-07-2010, 05:46 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I can't remember exactly... We had a number of discussions over about two years (I think), until in the end I met someone, and everything was more concrete and simple then.
It helped a lot that he fell in love with someone else too after a point, and switched from "I don't think that would ever work for me" to "wait, I'm poly too!"

It was hard at first though. He did take it personally. I think the fact that we stayed together showed him that it wasn't about him. Meeting someone helped him understand my feelings, too, so that was really good, even if it didn't turn out in the end.
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  #73  
Old 11-07-2010, 06:02 AM
Ready2Fly Ready2Fly is offline
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Monogamy is so strongly programmed and anything different so strongly condemned in culture that I think it's unrealistic to have "the talk" with anyone you're seriously monogamously dating and expect a positive result. I've tried that--- many times, dating someone, deciding to get serious, and then having "the talk." It has not worked. If your partner doesn't know anything about poly already, and has never thought of venturing into unexplored romantic territory themselves, and a serious partner starts talking to them about it, it will feel to them that they are being broadsided.

I tried having mono relationships after college, but they were not for me, and "the talk," no matter how it was approached, was death to what should have been serious relationships. So I made a decision not to date anyone who wasn't already poly or otherwise responsibly nonmonogamous, or at least have the talk before any dating occurred (and then only if the other person seemed genuinely interested in the idea). I wasn't willing to settle for monogamy, and I saw that I was hurting people by having relationships with them when their expectations were so radically different. This policy worked out well so far.

Last edited by Ready2Fly; 11-07-2010 at 06:06 AM.
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  #74  
Old 11-07-2010, 03:49 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ready2Fly View Post
Monogamy is so strongly programmed and anything different so strongly condemned in culture that I think it's unrealistic to have "the talk" with anyone you're seriously monogamously dating and expect a positive result. ........................
.............I tried having mono relationships after college, but they were not for me, and "the talk," no matter how it was approached, was death to what should have been serious relationships.
Hey Ready,

Ahhhh, yes, interesting point.
I think there is a big difference between staring off in a relationship and the "talk" that would need to occur and being in an existing relationship that was (theoretically) founded in monogamy.

So in effect, it seems we have two "talks" that although similar, are going to have different sensitivities.

I would think that when starting a new relationship, if the 'talk' scared someone away, then it may be best, before anyone had invested any significant amout of time & energy into a dead end path. And who knows, once the seed of illumination is planted, the other party may be inclined to do some studying themselves and the future may be different.

But if you signed on to a mono relationship, only later to discover poly, now we have a very different 'talk'. How to bring up the subject without it appearing to convey some dissatisfaction or failing in the other party.

And it's not always that way at all ! Poly can be discovered even in a relationship that is really good ! But something just feels 'right' and beckons for exploration. Yes..........a very different conversation indeed

I might think it would start most gracefully in a manner such as...........

"Hey honey - guess (or look at) what I was just reading today ! " (hopefully in some reputable source - not some trash mag). "Check this out ! What do you think of this ?"

Because for many I think this is pretty close to discovery reality. Came across it in some media/book reference. Sparked a curiosity. Maybe came across someone they new that either came (or slipped) out.
Damn.........this wording is getting kind of lewd isn't it..........

Anyway........

Different "talks". But I feel all can be approached in a non-threatening manner if you think a little beforehand.

Keep em coming

GS
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  #75  
Old 05-18-2011, 06:21 PM
pete pete is offline
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After a lot of working up to the topic, I talked to the wife of 35 years and explained the feelings I had. It went pretty good.
Gawd how I care for her and want her to understand!
Trying to understand it my self.
Then I started doing research and was shocked at how poly feelings are just what I was telling her how I felt. Open and honest relationships among and between adults. Sex as "cheating" does not fit.
I'm not having sex with anyone other than with my wife -- and she and I enjoy it at least once almost every day. Nor is there necessarily another particular woman I'm attracted to, although there have been some arousing moments that felt perfectly right.
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  #76  
Old 05-18-2011, 06:38 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Welcome Pete,

Well, the statistics are in Guess what ?

We are not naturally a monogamous species.

Ok - so now, after the 'enlightenment', what next ?

GS
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  #77  
Old 05-18-2011, 09:36 PM
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We are not naturally a monogamous species.
Well the jury is out on that I think. I don't think the monogamous members here would agree

Welcome and invite your wife! This is an excellent resource for people starting out.
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  #78  
Old 05-19-2011, 03:09 AM
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Well the jury is out on that I think. I don't think the monogamous members here would agree

.
Some artists paint all humanity with the same color of thier own internal workings...usually because they can't imagine anything different from themselves. That's just as natural as monogamy or non-monogamy
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  #79  
Old 05-19-2011, 03:37 AM
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GS is talking about natural as opposed to enculturated. Monogamy is taught.
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  #80  
Old 05-19-2011, 05:02 AM
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GS is talking about natural as opposed to enculturated. Monogamy is taught.
I guess the natural animals that are monogamous go to some pretty fancy schools then

errr...sorry for the hijack...I'm done
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