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Old 05-14-2011, 04:26 PM
LuvXX LuvXX is offline
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Default More in love with secondary right now

Hello - Is this typical? I'm new to polyamory. I've been married to my husband for 8 years and over the years had hinted and playfully talked about having threesomes but we never seriously discussed it. (I had a threesome with a former boyfriend years ago, and we ended up with a kind of open relationship where I was allowed to make out with people and he liked to hear about it when I got home.) Last year, my husband met someone who revealed that he and his wife were swingers and it got my husband thinking that maybe we could do something like that. We opened our marriage but he wasn't immediately interested in pursuing anything at the time. My sex drive far exceeds his. I ended up finding a man on a married-dating site who is also in an open marriage, we hit it off immediately online, exchanged emails for weeks before meeting, and the first time we met was heavenly. The sex was perfect. I had never experienced anything like it before and I've been with plenty of men. He satisfied me on a totally new level. And it was more than sex, there's an emotional connection and we fit together perfectly physically and mentally. It was surreal. We still exchanged 20+ emails a day afterwards describing our feelings and we are both on the same page. We got together again and spent 8 wonderful hours in bed together kissing, having sex (I had three mindblowing orgasms and he had two mindblowing orgasms - he feels the same about the sex surpassing anything he's experienced), laughing, cuddling, touching, looking each other in the eye and smiling and talking about all of the ways we're so similar. Bonding. Having a real emotional connection. When we left the hotel room to go home, we stood outside my car for an hour holding each other, kissing, touching, and trying but not wanting to say goodbye. We both feel we're falling in love and are still emailing each other 20+ times a day. It's crazy. It's maddening. Everything with this man is so perfect, I don't feel aroused by my husband anymore. I don't feel in love with him and realize I haven't felt in love for a while and our sex was not great but this certainly isn't helping with that, it's compounding just how bad it is. I tried to keep this "secondary" relationship in perspective. I don't know what to do. It just is not secondary to me.
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Old 05-14-2011, 04:39 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Sounds like you're having some great sex and NRE, but remember, that's not all there is to a "relationship". Enjoy what you have but remember to treat your husband right. Personally, I think that if people really do love their already-existing partners, they should go out of their way to reassure them and treat them extra-special, especially when the original partner doesn't have anyone else to go be with while you have your sexy-time and emotional bonding with your new guy. But that's just me. Other people might think that that is expecting one to be someone one is not, and "fake" it. And to that I would answer, "then maybe you should leave your partner and go be with this new person because you obviously do not have the foundation or interpersonal skills to be in a "poly"-type relationship."

But as has been noted elsewhere (and elsewhere, and elsewhere), I am one heck of a judgmental bitch-on-wheels (both literally and figuratively), and I take gratuitous pleasure in practicing my craft on folks I have never met, don't know anything about, and have never experienced what they are going through. And other things.

So, take what I say with a grain of salt.

And welcome to the forum
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Old 05-14-2011, 04:58 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hmm, there is a difference between being in-love and loving. It is perfectly normal and to-be-expected to not feel like you are wildly in love with your partner of 2+ years - however, if your experience with the new guy is actually making you LOVE your hubby less, then I agree with Neon; it might not be poly but serial monogamy you have in you. Which is totally cool, too, but do keep your husband posted on what is happening with you and your relationship with him.
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Old 05-14-2011, 05:54 PM
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Oh how I relate to what you are feeling. When I met Mono *WHAM* love. He and I were not expecting it... we were bonded sexually and mentally immediately. It took some time to put perspective on it all.

I have been poly for a long time and had experience before hand. What I did was work very hard to leave my exciting NRE at the door when I came home. No texting when with hubby (very hard), no talking about it endlessly, no thinking about it, if possible. Instead I moved that energy into my relationship with my husband and family. Such huge benefits to that! The love and happiness was good for all of us.

It isn't necessarily that you don't love your husband. It's just that you have a new toy. It's like Christmas. you don't not love the old dolly you got three years ago for your birthday, you just put her aside for a bit while you explore the new toys you got on Christmas morning.... (all this provided that you celebrate Christmas that is... I hope you find a suitable substitute if you don't). Later on, when the NRE clams down, you will likely find that things even out a bit more. All your toys will be loved for what they are.

More issues will come up, like about his partner for instance. What of her? What of his feelings in regards to her? Will you meet her? Will your husband meet him? Will you have summer BBQ's together....... blah blah blah... still to come. All that will factor in with time and you will likely realize what a wonderful man you husband is if he supports you and does his best to deal with what is happening for you. You might need his support and love at some point as things unfold. A new level of relationship could come out of all this, you just haven't seen it or experienced it yet.... hold tight and don't think like a monogamous person just yet. You can have love from all different directions and give love too. Love comes in many packages.

Remember, nothing has changed for your husband. He is happily going along his merry way and has no idea what it might feel like to be slapped up side the head by this new man... you had something just fine before this happened and that hasn't disappeared, you just have new stuff to add to it and share... more love. That's what its all about. At least for me and a lot of other poly peeps.
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Old 05-15-2011, 03:32 PM
RobFire RobFire is offline
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Default NRE And Quantifying Love

I like what RedPepper said about the "New Toy". I'd have to agree that what you're going through sounds a lot like NRE brain chemical overload. These are real drugs, and should be respected in that light. They make small things seem wondrous and cloud the issues that may later become more clear. They can make sex or anything else feel better, and obscure from you things that should feel worse.

My advice would be to make the mental association when you are with your new lover to the fact that your being with them is a testament to the love and gift your primary partner is giving.

I have seen friends throw good, strong, loving relationships away because they get caught up in NRE, figure that they must have made the *wrong* choice in their current relationship, then later get wildly depressed because they realize what they miss, after the NRE wears off.
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Old 05-15-2011, 07:00 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RobFire View Post

My advice would be to make the mental association when you are with your new lover to the fact that your being with them is a testament to the love and gift your primary partner is giving.
Yes! This is a good association to keep in mind.

When we started our V I was so giddy with NRE, I said to my bf, "I have just never been so happy!" I was bubbling over, positively BEAMING.
He laughed and then looked very sternly into my eyes and said, "And WHO deserves the credit for this???"
And I sheepishly smiled and said, "Yes, I know -- my HUSBAND!"

My bf is incredible for always reminding me of this, how terrific my husband is and how we must always be respectful and considerate of his feelings.

I couldn't wait to get home and smother my husband with kisses of gratitude and love. Which....helped a lot
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Old 05-15-2011, 07:14 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I regularly thank my husband for "allowing" me (us) to be with other people. He is a very generous person and this is just one more example of that.
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Old 05-17-2011, 12:34 AM
LuvXX LuvXX is offline
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Default Thanks :-)

Thanks to all of you for the input. It really helped me put it all in perspective as well as reading up on NRE and poly in general. None of us really knew what we were looking for when we started this. Here's my bf's story: My bf's wife was the one who suggested that they open their marriage but then they never really discussed it further. She, herself, has not pursued anything. He got involved with one woman before me. His wife didn't want to know anything about it - wanted to know he was doing it, but nothing else - until she found out he was seeing the woman weekly because she glimpsed an email between them. Well... she had said she didn't want to know! So then she decided weekly was too often and said he could see her monthly. He ended it with the woman anyhow because he really wasn't that into her. So some time passed, he met me, wife knew he was meeting me but wanted no other info so she does not know how close we have become. He told her he was meeting me again in a month and she said "No - monthly? That's a relationship!" Sigh. He doesn't dare to tell her "Well, yes, actually it is." He tip-toes around her, afraid of what to say because she says she doesn't want to know... yet she DOES. But not really. lol Yeah, I'm confused too. :-P She only wants him to see me now every few months and that's not enough for either one of us! He's afraid she will tell him not to see me at all if he tells her we actually feel like we're falling in love. She opened up their marriage yet doesn't want to know or talk about anything and wants to make up rules as they go along, which is fine I guess - hubby and I are making up rules as we go along too because we didn't know what would transpire when we started this. Basically, we have rules disappearing though, while bf and wife have rules being ADDED or changed to make things more difficult. :-P So I wonder what the "experts'" takes are on this. I wish he could sit down with his wife and actually research polyamory with her but the way it looks is she is okay with him screwing around, as long as it's just sex and as long as it's only every few months if it's the same person. :-P But we are way beyond just sex. And he's already snuck in another day with me two weeks after our first time and we're planning another in a couple more weeks. We're only approved for another "session" together in August. It's really frustrating for the both of us.
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Old 05-17-2011, 01:14 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I guess if you wear a wig and dress like someone else each time and you can see him every day! LOL
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Old 05-17-2011, 06:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LuvXX View Post
So some time passed, he met me, wife knew he was meeting me but wanted no other info so she does not know how close we have become. He told her he was meeting me again in a month and she said "No - monthly? That's a relationship!" Sigh. He doesn't dare to tell her "Well, yes, actually it is." He tip-toes around her, afraid of what to say because she says she doesn't want to know... yet she DOES. But not really. lol Yeah, I'm confused too. :-P She only wants him to see me now every few months and that's not enough for either one of us! He's afraid she will tell him not to see me at all if he tells her we actually feel like we're falling in love. She opened up their marriage yet doesn't want to know or talk about anything and wants to make up rules as they go along, which is fine I guess - hubby and I are making up rules as we go along too because we didn't know what would transpire when we started this. Basically, we have rules disappearing though, while bf and wife have rules being ADDED or changed to make things more difficult. :-P So I wonder what the "experts'" takes are on this. I wish he could sit down with his wife and actually research polyamory with her but the way it looks is she is okay with him screwing around, as long as it's just sex and as long as it's only every few months if it's the same person. :-P But we are way beyond just sex. And he's already snuck in another day with me two weeks after our first time and we're planning another in a couple more weeks. We're only approved for another "session" together in August. It's really frustrating for the both of us.
Fist off, for me "rules" don't work. They are hard and fast and there is no where to move except to make more. I go by boundaries... they are fluid and involve more of a notion of feelings and how one "sits" in a situation rather than "you can't do that and you can't do this."

This woman is not talking about her issues and she's bossing you around. I simply would risk everything and stand up to her in a compassionate way and tell her everything whether she likes it or not. What is she going to do? She can't tell you both not to see each other, but if she is treated with respect and dignity and compassion she might just see that she is still loved, still considered and still had her partner...and come to the realization that she can't expect you not to see him. We all had to go through this stuff (well most) and so should she if she wants to have more partners in her life also. Even if she doesn't, if she wants to hold her marriage together, then dictating what her partner does is not going to have that result I don't think.

They have created a situation where you are now cheating with him. Did you want to be a cheater or poly... that is the question. DADT with rules on top that dictate and adding when someone can see another, is not balanced and not sustainable I don't think. It usually leads to cheating and more pain... the pain of facing what is really happening is far easier than the pain of cheating. I think she needs to know that... and you can tell her that.

Tell her you love her man, want to be able to see him once a week and that its bigger than sex. It's a relationship and you are no longer seeing it as an "open relationship" but would like something poly. If she is unable to take it and he backs out of being responsible and doesn't look after his needs or yours because he is wimping out, do you really want to be with him? Is that what you think makes for a good relationship and a good match for you? Ask for what you need and don't settle for anything less. It's possible I think if there is love, compassion and patience (while you wait for her to sort herself out) in the asking.
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