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Old 05-16-2011, 08:01 AM
cb123 cb123 is offline
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Default New to this... please read...

A little about me.

I'm 41 years old, and a single father of two teens.

I had a disastrous marriage and divorce about 10 years ago. My ex wife got involved with hard drugs and other serious issues and it really had an effect on me.

It came to a head in 2004 when my then ex wife tried to kill me. I nearly bled to death and had to endure several hours of surgery to reattach my arm which was partially severed.

As a result of this, I developed a debilitating fear of women. It’s called gynophobia and I basically could not stand to be around women. They made me nervous, anxious, and panicky to the point of I would have major panic attacks if a woman touched me or came too close to me.

I know I’m a grown man and to most this probably sounds funny or laughable. Let me assure you it is not a laughing matter. Having a woman I used to love rip my arm off was by far the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me, and the scars from that day go much deeper than the 16 inch gash in my arm.

In short, I by choice became celibate in 2004 and up until very recently have had no interactions with women whatsoever except for professional.

I met a woman a little over two years ago.

We became acquaintances, then friends and over two years it became a case of very close friendship.

For most of that time I was medicated in order to avoid the panic attacks, but I still was too anxious to touch a woman or be in very close proximity to one.

She knew my story and was always there for me. She never pressed the issue with me and went out of her way to make me comfortable which was no small feat.

A year ago she casually touched my arm and I didn't recoil. Most men wouldn't even think twice about this, but that was the first time I had touched a woman except for family in many many years, and I was amazed that I was comfortable enough with her that it didn't scare the hell out of me.

About a month ago we were talking and she mentioned a sexual attraction to me.

She asked me if I would be interested in a “friends with benefits” arrangement.

The idea of this was at once both terrifying and very appealing to me. Very quickly I realized that if it were not for this woman I would probably never have even considered being intimate with a woman again and so I told her I was willing if she was.

There were several issues that we agreed had to be addressed, not the least of which was my personal demons. She promised that if I was willing, we would go as slow as we had to go.

The other major issue was the fact that she is married. She told me that she very much loved her husband and would never leave him, but that she was very attracted to me also and would ask her husband for permission to date me. She made it clear that without his permission she would not do anything.

She asked her husband for permission about three weeks ago. We went out as a group several times and he and I talked a lot, but never about his wife. I knew he was sizing me up so to speak and from conversations with her I knew he was very excited about sharing his wife.

After a week or so she called me to tell me he had given her permission, on the condition that I get STD tested and prove that I had had a vasectomy.

Over the next week or so, she met me several times to talk about how I was feeling and make sure I was comfortable with this arrangement, etc. She would later tell me that my personal demons and the fact that I was “broken” was a major reason she pursued me. I must also say that without her doing this and being willing to assuage my fears this would never have happened.

Last week I got my test results back and I showed everything to her, including the medical records of my vasectomy.

The next day she had worked out a date for us to meet.

When the day finally arrived I took her out to eat breakfast but we both weren’t hungry. We talked a while and she eventually told me that if I wasn’t ready she was fine with that and she would be content just holding me. I will admit that I was scared but I was also hornier than I had been in memory.

I brought her to my house and after making sure my kids were at school and the house was empty, I led her inside.

She undressed partially and climbed into my bed. Once there she pulled the sheet over her body, finished undressing and asked me to join her. I undressed and climbed into bed beside her but she gently pulled me on top of her, wrapped her legs around me and kissed me for what seemed like a half hour.

I honestly don’t know how long she had been telling me this when I became aware of it, but at some point I became aware that she was whispering to me that she wouldn’t hurt me and that she wanted me inside of her.

It had been a long time for me and I had told her not to expect much from me the first time. We were both thinking of this as I entered her I think. I was trying to last a little while for her but she pulled me down onto her and told me she wanted to feel me come inside of her. She didn’t have to tell me twice…

We had sex five more times that day. I’m 41 and by most accounts pretty much out of shape, but it was like a floodgate had been opened and I didn’t want to waste a second. We would have sex and talk a while and have sex again and fall asleep together, only to wake up and do it again.

For me the best part was lying beside her and holding her as she slept and realizing how patient she had been with me and how much she had cared to have waited on me until I was ready for this.

Eventually it was time for her to leave. Her husband was at home, waiting on her and my kids would be home from school soon.





I learned later that this whole love triangle is a huge turn-on to her husband. He wanted to know every detail, and couldn’t keep his hands off her once she was home. Somehow I am not jealous of this, knowing that he loves “cleanup duty” as he puts it. Instead I am very grateful to him for allowing this to happen.

I’ve talked to him a few times since then and he is very coy about it all.

At first he was convinced I was some kind of player or something but after talking more with her he is now more worried about us developing feelings for each other. Even without the sex she has been a very good friend to me and I have to admit there are feelings there which I will need to explore with her eventually. From talking to both of them, she has never stepped out before me and prior to a few days ago had been in a monogamous relationship with him for the past 8 years.

I have no desire to ask her to leave her husband for me. I know she wouldn’t. I hold no ill feelings toward him at all. Instead I feel immense gratitude to him for allowing her to be with me. Towards her, I am constantly amazed when I realize that she has cultivated this friendship for so long in order to be with me.

Her husband is worried that this is becoming romantic. I don’t know how to address this with him or her but I know it will have to be address sooner or later. I really have no desire to be with other women but I’m afraid of how he would take that if I said anything to him about it…. My biggest fear is that he will tell her she cant see me anymore because she would stop if he told her to.

I know this is polyamory. I also know this is new to all involved. I can’t help but feel I am walking barefoot into a minefield of issues that I have no understanding of.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thank you for reading this.
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  #2  
Old 05-16-2011, 09:47 AM
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Hi CB,
Wow, what an amazing story. I am sorry to hear about your ex and what a terrible thing she did to you, but I think it is such a wonderful thing that your new friend was willing to help you heal and that you all took it very slowly.

I am wondering about her husband's fears that you will develop a romance. Is that something he told you directly, or did you hear it from her? Although I am always at odds with this mindset of men letting their wives be physical with someone as long as they have no emotional involvement, which is really closer to swinging or an open marriage than polyamory (which is all about the love!), it seems like you are saying that you still view it as a friendship that has a physical/sexual component.

I don't see why you cannot simply tell him, "I just want to assure you that I view ___ as simply a friend who I am physical with, and have no intention to pursue anything more than that." Maybe others with experience in this kind of relationship can give you better advice on how to say it, but I am always one for direct communication to set the record straight.

Please keep us informed on how it goes, and welcome to the forum.
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  #3  
Old 05-16-2011, 10:19 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hullo and welcome, and thank you for sharing your story!

Quote:
Originally Posted by cb123 View Post
I know I’m a grown man and to most this probably sounds funny or laughable.
There is nothing laughable about being afraid of something that has caused you life-threatening trauma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cb123 View Post
She would later tell me that my personal demons and the fact that I was “broken” was a major reason she pursued me.
Hmm, this stood out a bit for me. What was her motivation in doing so? I'm a bit wary of people who are attracted to 'damaged goods', because there is a large subset of predators among them. Not saying your girl is one of them, but just curious as to why.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cb123 View Post
I learned later that this whole love triangle is a huge turn-on to her husband. He wanted to know every detail, and couldn’t keep his hands off her once she was home. Somehow I am not jealous of this, knowing that he loves “cleanup duty” as he puts it.

At first he was convinced I was some kind of player or something but after talking more with her he is now more worried about us developing feelings for each other. Even without the sex she has been a very good friend to me and I have to admit there are feelings there which I will need to explore with her eventually. From talking to both of them, she has never stepped out before me and prior to a few days ago had been in a monogamous relationship with him for the past 8 years.
Red flag flying! For me, at least.

It seems that her husband's motivations are not poly- but sex driven. He has a cuckolding fantasy that he gets to fulfill through you, but does not want to be actually threatened by your presence in his wife's life.

Have you asked what their motivations were for opening up? It reads as sex.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cb123 View Post
I really have no desire to be with other women but I’m afraid of how he would take that if I said anything to him about it…. My biggest fear is that he will tell her she cant see me anymore because she would stop if he told her to.
Which very well can happen. I want to ask you to protect your heart. It reads to me as that you are not a player but they might be.

Have a talk with them. Explain that you are aware that feelings might develop, and you want them to consider that possibility.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cb123 View Post
I know this is polyamory.
If love between you and her is off the menu, it's not polyamory but more easily described as an open relationship.
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Old 05-16-2011, 02:42 PM
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Thank you for sharing this. There is nothing here that I see as laughable, tragic, but not laughable. What a journey!

It seems that the "love" part was left out of your chats before hand. Sex can have that affect on people. I would suggest learning what you know now and move on. It seems to me that you are not in a mental position for more trauma. This woman is not free. she gave you a gift, but that is the end of it. I would think of it that way.

Some women like to rescue and perhaps that is what she was wanting out of this for you and her. Now that that has happened, I think that she should look at her own relationship and you should move on. Even if temporarily. Who knows what the future holds.

Concentrate on yourself and move out of you head into the world of women again. Gain confidence and find someone that you can build more with. Perhaps I don't know what I am talking about and you are willing to put up with and work with the drama that comes with a budding realization of poly, but really, its been many years, why would you wait for that more in someone that might never be available to love.... at least take a chance and look outside your door... start feeling horny and attracted to other women's touches.
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Old 05-16-2011, 04:14 PM
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I'm sorry, but the way all the salacious details were presented here make me suspect this story is a sexual fantasy. First, dismembership fetish, and then a cuckolding fantasy ("cleanup duty?" hmm), complete with jealousy about "feelings" developing?

I hope I am wrong, but somehow my bs meter is pinging wildly.

If it's true, this couple is using you. It sounds like you are being victimized for the husband's cuck urges, and used by her for your disability.
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Old 05-16-2011, 10:22 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I'm sorry, but the way all the salacious details were presented here make me suspect this story is a sexual fantasy. First, dismembership fetish, and then a cuckolding fantasy ("cleanup duty?" hmm), complete with jealousy about "feelings" developing?

I hope I am wrong, but somehow my bs meter is pinging wildly.
Mags, I had the same doubts (although I never imagined anyone could have a dismemberment fetish), especially because it is so well-written. At first, I wondered if it had been gotten off the internet somewhere - but I decided to give the poster the benefit of the doubt, and offer some kind of supportive response while still having some reservations about it.

And actually, I hope it is a complete fabrication (although posting here for help with a fake story is not very honorable), because I'd hate to think that something like what the wife did is real!
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Old 05-17-2011, 02:05 AM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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This is an amazing story. Thank you for sharing it with us. I have nothing to add that these lovely ladies haven't touched on. I just wanted to say congratulations and wish you well.
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Old 05-17-2011, 05:20 AM
cb123 cb123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I am wondering about her husband's fears that you will develop a romance. Is that something he told you directly, or did you hear it from her? Although I am always at odds with this mindset of men letting their wives be physical with someone as long as they have no emotional involvement, which is really closer to swinging or an open marriage than polyamory (which is all about the love!), it seems like you are saying that you still view it as a friendship that has a physical/sexual component.
This is something I learned from watching him and hearing what he is talking to her about.

I think he is afraid of this mostly from being around his wife and seeing how she reacts to me when I call or say hello.

The level of friendship is such that some people asked about us even before we were seeing each other so its easy I think for him to see that and think there is a romance going on.

I think to an extent he is right. This is not something I feel like I could do with any woman and there is a deep emotional attachment on my part for her, first out of our friendship and lately out of the willingness on her part to want to be sexually involved with me.

I hope that makes sense.
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Old 05-17-2011, 05:21 AM
cb123 cb123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Hullo and welcome, and thank you for sharing your story!



There is nothing laughable about being afraid of something that has caused you life-threatening trauma.



Hmm, this stood out a bit for me. What was her motivation in doing so? I'm a bit wary of people who are attracted to 'damaged goods', because there is a large subset of predators among them. Not saying your girl is one of them, but just curious as to why.



Red flag flying! For me, at least.

It seems that her husband's motivations are not poly- but sex driven. He has a cuckolding fantasy that he gets to fulfill through you, but does not want to be actually threatened by your presence in his wife's life.

Have you asked what their motivations were for opening up? It reads as sex.



Which very well can happen. I want to ask you to protect your heart. It reads to me as that you are not a player but they might be.

Have a talk with them. Explain that you are aware that feelings might develop, and you want them to consider that possibility.



If love between you and her is off the menu, it's not polyamory but more easily described as an open relationship.






Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Hullo and welcome, and thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Hmm, this stood out a bit for me. What was her motivation in doing so? I'm a bit wary of people who are attracted to 'damaged goods', because there is a large subset of predators among them. Not saying your girl is one of them, but just curious as to why.
Ive known her for over 2 years. She is not any kind of predator.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
It seems that her husband's motivations are not poly- but sex driven. He has a cuckolding fantasy that he gets to fulfill through you, but does not want to be actually threatened by your presence in his wife's life.

Have you asked what their motivations were for opening up? It reads as sex.
I admit I don't fully understand his motivations for this.

I do know he gets a lot of satisfaction from knowing she is having sex with me. Perhaps I read too much into it but I dont think so.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Which very well can happen. I want to ask you to protect your heart. It reads to me as that you are not a player but they might be.
This might very well be the case but if it were they would have been living a life just to draw me in for the past two years.

It seems like an awful long time to live like that just so she could pursue a conquest.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Have a talk with them. Explain that you are aware that feelings might develop, and you want them to consider that possibility.
Ive talked to her a lot about this and we are agreed that our relationship is based on something more than casual friendship but not quite based on love.
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Old 05-17-2011, 05:25 AM
cb123 cb123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I hope I am wrong, but somehow my bs meter is pinging wildly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
And actually, I hope it is a complete fabrication (although posting here for help with a fake story is not very honorable), because I'd hate to think that something like what the wife did is real!

This is not BS.

If the mods are willing I would be willing to send photos of my arm post surgery, complete with 39 staples, provided they are willing to state what they see on the forum.

There is no dismemberment fetish. Ive never even heard of that...lol
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