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  #81  
Old 05-16-2011, 01:37 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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And send more than a wink.

Maybe your profile needs some work too. Perhaps it's boring?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #82  
Old 05-16-2011, 05:50 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
Yes, me and my "always". I have yet to be messaged by a woman....for anything.....where she is the initiator. Oh well. I am not usually attracted to women who are not "feminine", so I guess I have to simply be more assertive.
Well there is probably one of your issues right there. The law of averages may be so, but you are a alternative thinking guy, in a alternative-type relationship. You need to *surprise* ! ....look at alternatives, in your 'usual' thought processes.
You will only live up to your own low expectations if you run with the law of averages. Equating f'eminine' with 'initiation' is a good way to eliminate people.

You have put 100% of people into one category. According to you, you have a 100% failure rate.

I`m not exactly hard on the eyes, (by 'feminine' standards) and I usually prefer to be the approacher in getting to know people. Rare ? Maybe.
Maybe not as rare as people who stick to averages may think ? I know at least 2 other women who are just like this.

*************

Reading this thread is very interesting. I really wonder if the cynical, tired-of-peoples-shit, attitudes draws exactly the wrong people ?

As long as someone tries to be polite to me in a message, I`ll respond. Even if it wasn`t what I was looking for, or someone obviously didnt read my profile.
Due to how some people respond from that, I have a bit more faith in humanity on dating sites

Here is a recent example :

Hi, I'm going to be in town next week. Are you interested in getting together?

B. Sent from the OkCupid app
Report this
Message from B*****
-----------------------------

May 13, 2011 – 1:50pm
Nope.
Take care, have fun.
-----------------------------


May 13, 2011 – 5:57pm
My appologies. I thought for sure your profile said you were into to casual sex. Clearly I was my mistaken. I also didn't notice that you were married. Wow, was I half asleep when I messaged you? Sorry about that. Thanks for replying and being politie about it. Happy fishing. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Cheers,

B.


-------------

So maybe he hoped being polite might make me feel bad,...maybe not. Maybe it was genuine. Either way,..does it matter ? I can choose to hold on to the negatives of any interactions, until they accumulate in my head, or I can choose to hold onto the positives, and run with that.

Here is one that is kinda funny, received today.......
-------------------------------------
No woman on this site has ever done this to me but after sitting
here for about an hour sweating, and hard as a rock I have decided
I want to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like the crown
you are. (what kind of lotion do you use by the way? your legs look
like they were crafted by Aphrodites herself). So I invite you to
take a look at my profile and if I have a similar effect on you
message me back.
Report this
18% Enemy79% Friend81% Match Message from nor**********

---------------------------------------------


^^ I`ll probably answer in a cheeky way, and have fun with it. Be clear I`m not interested, but at least he had a response, and I got a laugh. He might be experimenting, hoping to start something based on shock value, but there is no law that says I have to respond after I have said no. Anyhow, thats my thoughts on the subject.

Last edited by SourGirl; 05-16-2011 at 05:55 PM.
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  #83  
Old 05-16-2011, 06:17 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Sourgirl, The second guy my wife would likely have responded to also. LOL The first guy, would have been an ignore for my wife. I am not so cras as to send a "hook up" message. I am, afterall, looking for more than just a casual hook up.


Now, I want you to do a search on what you are looking for, in your area. Go with a 50 mile radius of where you live. Post how many results you get.

I will do the same, and post MY results once you have. Then, we'll compare the results a bit....

I invite anyone else keeping up with this debate, to do the same thing. I DO have a point.
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  #84  
Old 05-16-2011, 06:20 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
And send more than a wink.

Maybe your profile needs some work too. Perhaps it's boring?
Magdlyn, I'll send you a link to my OKC profile in a while. I've had it turned off/on pause for the last month or so. The reason? I got frustrated with it, and with "poly". I was simply.....frustrated. And didn't want to date anyone, or see anyone in any way shape or form. Work was more than enough. LOL
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  #85  
Old 05-16-2011, 07:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
Why must men always be the aggressor, while women are ALWAYS the non-aggressor?
Sometimes, TL, I think in your head, you live in the 1950s, with the things you say about women and men, really! Always non-aggressive? Ask the guy I met on the subway last night how long it took for me to strike up a conversation with him, give him my card, and ask him to call me. I mean, I grew up reading Cosmo, I could never sit back and "always" be non-aggressive!

If you're not getting contacted, I'd say there's some issue with your profile, or the fact that you're married, poly, etc., that just limits interest. If you start a journal there, it might generate some interest. I always get lots of views when I post to my journal.

I would say that 95% of the guys I have email exchanges with on OKC were ones that I contacted first. I send tons of emails to guys. I have had men write back and say they aren't interested, but most don't write back. I know my beauty can be intimidating to mere mortals, but...

I have read in the OKC journals several times that most men on there wait for women to contact them first, for some reason. I really wish more of the guys I am attracted to would reach out to me initially. Usually, the ones that do are duds. It's only a very small percentage of men who contact me first that are someone I'd be interested in.


That being said, something good has recently developed and has me very excited, so we'll see. And this one is actually someone who contacted me first, BUT he admits that it was an "accident" of sorts. He was perusing OKC on his iphone, and did not see my location, just my pic. So he clicked on it, started reading, and had to respond. Normally, he said, he wouldn't have considered me because I live in a different city, a few hours away from him and he wasn't looking for an LDR. But now, we're caught up in some giddily romantic pen-palling. [wheee!]

Let me state, he didn't send a lame wink, or some ridiculous one-liner. He first told me my profile was a "good read," and thoughtfully commented about some of it: "I love what you have to say about . . . ", which showed me not only that he actually read it but that he could relate to it. He concluded with ". . . who knows where a few notes can lead? At the very least, some good correspondence. From little acorns, etc." which I thought was charming. He had about five recent pictures of himself so I have a good idea about what he actually looks like, and a very well-written thoughtful profile. And now we're both giddy and gaga over our new correspondence with each other!

So maybe your approach might need some work, TL.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-16-2011 at 07:55 PM.
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  #86  
Old 05-16-2011, 08:57 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Entirely possible cindie. Entirely possible.

Every time I think about a woman other than my wife, and actually contacting them, I hear that little phrase in my head that says "nice guys finish last".....but I'm always trying to be nice and not offend. LOL Maybe I should throw caution to the wind....when I find one that...piques my interest.
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  #87  
Old 05-17-2011, 02:50 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post

Now, I want you to do a search on what you are looking for, in your area. Go with a 50 mile radius of where you live. Post how many results you get.

I will do the same, and post MY results once you have. Then, we'll compare the results a bit....

I invite anyone else keeping up with this debate, to do the same thing. I DO have a point.
Okay,..but I think you missed my point, or I didn`t explain myself very well.

I get what you are saying. I get your point. I have experience with this. I have a husband who has looked too. When he initially pouted about the lack of response, or lack of initiation, I felt bad for him.

At some point though, you have to get real. Be inventive. You can choose to think one way 100%, and you will keep up a 100% failure rate. Or, you can choose to do things differently.

My husband chose to do things differently. He rotated pictures a lot. He changed the wording in profiles a lot. This type of thing, helped him make contact with quite a few different women.

He went to poly gatherings, and we DID all kind of laugh, because he is a 'car' guy, meat-loving, Tim-Hortons drinking, man`s man,..type. Stuck out like a sore thumb.

He ended up in a series of conversations about why he wasn`t a vegan, and lightly chastised for it. :P haha.

Still, he ventured.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right ? He did end up going to various gatherings with mutual friends who weren`t 'hippie',..and they all ended up being open-minded, and having lots of laughs about everyone`s differences.

He learned a lot from putting himself in various experiences.
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  #88  
Old 05-17-2011, 03:09 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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This is not something I do when dating online (which I don't do), but it is how I run my life:

I approach any situation, especially something that is new to me, with the attitude that I will probably be bored at best, if not straight-up disappointed. Then, if anything at all goes right, or is interesting, I can say to myself, "at least it wasn't a TOTAL waste of time".

I realize that this attitude tends to annoy "optimists". I love to annoy optimists. It's sort-of a hobby of mine. Right now I am drafting an essay about "Bettering the Quality of One's Life Through Pessimism", and the paragraph above is the basis for one of the key points in that essay.
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  #89  
Old 05-17-2011, 04:07 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
My husband chose to do things differently. He rotated pictures a lot. He changed the wording in profiles a lot. This type of thing, helped him make contact with quite a few different women.
Yes! Because, at least on OKC, every time you change a picture or some words in your profile, you show up in the activity feed on the main page and that gets people curious about you. Every time I add or switch a picture, I get a bunch of new visitors.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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  #90  
Old 05-17-2011, 04:43 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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No-one is taking me up on my challenge? Bummer. I am not so uncooth as to actually post some of the really....ahem...unattractive...matches in my area. In my area (within a 50 mile radius) there are 3 pages or less. How many people per page? 10. So, less than 30 matches to my own criteria.

(For some odd reason I think I have been through all this before)

of those 30 matches, only about 4 have answered the questions I mentioned above, in a manner which is condusive to a poly relationship. (1-would you consider dating someone in an open relationship, and 2-would you consider being part of a multiple person relationship)

So now I'm down to 4 to choose from....Of those 4, none are a person which I am PHYSICALLY attracted to. So how do I remedy this situation? Lower my standards? To what? How far does a person lower their standards to find someone to love? Do I now accept people who smoke? How about people who are heavy drinkers? Women who are over 300 lbs? How about drug users? I mean, come on...Where does it all stop?

I'm not lowering my standards. Not one bit. I'm not requiring the women to be runway models, or rich, or perfect in any way. No. I'm asking for women who are under 6'2", weigh under 200 lbs, have shoulder length hair or longer, social drinkers at best, and non-smokers and non-drug users. Within a 50 mile radius. Women who are open to a poly relationship. I wish I could find one who got into martial arts as much as I do. It seems my wife, is the only one within a 50 mile radius of me. I'm so fortunate to have found her 20 years ago.

It just goes to prove that she has no equal to me. Depressing? A little. BUT....I keep looking.....it'll make it even more special if I ever find an equal to my wife.
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