New to this... please read...
A little about me.
I'm 41 years old, and a single father of two teens.
I had a disastrous marriage and divorce about 10 years ago. My ex wife got involved with hard drugs and other serious issues and it really had an effect on me.
It came to a head in 2004 when my then ex wife tried to kill me. I nearly bled to death and had to endure several hours of surgery to reattach my arm which was partially severed.
As a result of this, I developed a debilitating fear of women. It’s called gynophobia and I basically could not stand to be around women. They made me nervous, anxious, and panicky to the point of I would have major panic attacks if a woman touched me or came too close to me.
I know I’m a grown man and to most this probably sounds funny or laughable. Let me assure you it is not a laughing matter. Having a woman I used to love rip my arm off was by far the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me, and the scars from that day go much deeper than the 16 inch gash in my arm.
In short, I by choice became celibate in 2004 and up until very recently have had no interactions with women whatsoever except for professional.
I met a woman a little over two years ago.
We became acquaintances, then friends and over two years it became a case of very close friendship.
For most of that time I was medicated in order to avoid the panic attacks, but I still was too anxious to touch a woman or be in very close proximity to one.
She knew my story and was always there for me. She never pressed the issue with me and went out of her way to make me comfortable which was no small feat.
A year ago she casually touched my arm and I didn't recoil. Most men wouldn't even think twice about this, but that was the first time I had touched a woman except for family in many many years, and I was amazed that I was comfortable enough with her that it didn't scare the hell out of me.
About a month ago we were talking and she mentioned a sexual attraction to me.
She asked me if I would be interested in a “friends with benefits” arrangement.
The idea of this was at once both terrifying and very appealing to me. Very quickly I realized that if it were not for this woman I would probably never have even considered being intimate with a woman again and so I told her I was willing if she was.
There were several issues that we agreed had to be addressed, not the least of which was my personal demons. She promised that if I was willing, we would go as slow as we had to go.
The other major issue was the fact that she is married. She told me that she very much loved her husband and would never leave him, but that she was very attracted to me also and would ask her husband for permission to date me. She made it clear that without his permission she would not do anything.
She asked her husband for permission about three weeks ago. We went out as a group several times and he and I talked a lot, but never about his wife. I knew he was sizing me up so to speak and from conversations with her I knew he was very excited about sharing his wife.
After a week or so she called me to tell me he had given her permission, on the condition that I get STD tested and prove that I had had a vasectomy.
Over the next week or so, she met me several times to talk about how I was feeling and make sure I was comfortable with this arrangement, etc. She would later tell me that my personal demons and the fact that I was “broken” was a major reason she pursued me. I must also say that without her doing this and being willing to assuage my fears this would never have happened.
Last week I got my test results back and I showed everything to her, including the medical records of my vasectomy.
The next day she had worked out a date for us to meet.
When the day finally arrived I took her out to eat breakfast but we both weren’t hungry. We talked a while and she eventually told me that if I wasn’t ready she was fine with that and she would be content just holding me. I will admit that I was scared but I was also hornier than I had been in memory.
I brought her to my house and after making sure my kids were at school and the house was empty, I led her inside.
She undressed partially and climbed into my bed. Once there she pulled the sheet over her body, finished undressing and asked me to join her. I undressed and climbed into bed beside her but she gently pulled me on top of her, wrapped her legs around me and kissed me for what seemed like a half hour.
I honestly don’t know how long she had been telling me this when I became aware of it, but at some point I became aware that she was whispering to me that she wouldn’t hurt me and that she wanted me inside of her.
It had been a long time for me and I had told her not to expect much from me the first time. We were both thinking of this as I entered her I think. I was trying to last a little while for her but she pulled me down onto her and told me she wanted to feel me come inside of her. She didn’t have to tell me twice…
We had sex five more times that day. I’m 41 and by most accounts pretty much out of shape, but it was like a floodgate had been opened and I didn’t want to waste a second. We would have sex and talk a while and have sex again and fall asleep together, only to wake up and do it again.
For me the best part was lying beside her and holding her as she slept and realizing how patient she had been with me and how much she had cared to have waited on me until I was ready for this.
Eventually it was time for her to leave. Her husband was at home, waiting on her and my kids would be home from school soon.
I learned later that this whole love triangle is a huge turn-on to her husband. He wanted to know every detail, and couldn’t keep his hands off her once she was home. Somehow I am not jealous of this, knowing that he loves “cleanup duty” as he puts it. Instead I am very grateful to him for allowing this to happen.
I’ve talked to him a few times since then and he is very coy about it all.
At first he was convinced I was some kind of player or something but after talking more with her he is now more worried about us developing feelings for each other. Even without the sex she has been a very good friend to me and I have to admit there are feelings there which I will need to explore with her eventually. From talking to both of them, she has never stepped out before me and prior to a few days ago had been in a monogamous relationship with him for the past 8 years.
I have no desire to ask her to leave her husband for me. I know she wouldn’t. I hold no ill feelings toward him at all. Instead I feel immense gratitude to him for allowing her to be with me. Towards her, I am constantly amazed when I realize that she has cultivated this friendship for so long in order to be with me.
Her husband is worried that this is becoming romantic. I don’t know how to address this with him or her but I know it will have to be address sooner or later. I really have no desire to be with other women but I’m afraid of how he would take that if I said anything to him about it…. My biggest fear is that he will tell her she cant see me anymore because she would stop if he told her to.
I know this is polyamory. I also know this is new to all involved. I can’t help but feel I am walking barefoot into a minefield of issues that I have no understanding of.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
Thank you for reading this.