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  #11  
Old 10-01-2009, 08:07 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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The problem with this is that some people find out they have ADD and then that becomes the excuse for their irresponsibility: "Aw shucks! It's that pesky ADD acting up again!"

I don't know the OP, but from what she wrote it looks like he has just gotten used to having her do all his thinking for him about mundane stuff he just can't be bothered with because it takes away from the energy he has to devote to his extracurricular activities.

In other words, the OP has THREE kids, not two.
That's true-in all walks of life there are people looking for excuses for bad behavior. At the same time-someone who is truly ADD (which can only be identified by a professional with experience) has major differences in how their brain operates and they CAN NOT do certain things the way average normal people do. So getting diagnosed so that they can learn HOW they CAN do it is critical.

It would be sad for such an openminded, caring, responsible women to have her relationship fall apart because her husband had a medical issue that COULD resolve their problems (if that is what it is).

NOW-that doens't mean he WILL do anything about it-but wouldn't more info be better than less?
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  #12  
Old 10-01-2009, 08:15 PM
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Thanks for the ADD hint. we have discussed that as well. I checked out a self-diagnosis check list, which indicates at what point one should react. there are some obvious symptoms as you said, but some are just clearly against it (he can be sooooooo organized at work). but the whole calendar thing is true - time is very abstract for him. but maybe this really needs to be taken a closer look at. but isn't it also a "fashion" to diagnose ADD?? i might be mistaken, but at school all of a sudden so many kids are ADD. but you might know more about it (but that is not the topic here).

AND YES, you say it: I have THREE kids. well,to be honest we have a new au pair (who is so helpful), but who needs integration, so I am actually responsible for FOUR (in some way). :-)

moonandstars
Yes I understand-even though I am ADD too-I OFTEN feel like I have 5 kids and not 4. For the same reason. Only in the last 6 months have we started addressing the issue and only after truly researching Adult ADD did we find out that adult add manifests with different symptoms, there are MANY types and forms of ADD (doctors tend not to consider this which is why seeing a psychiatrist with a good amount of experience dealing with adults is critical).

Yes-there are a lot of kids who get diagnosed and I'm SURE many of them aren't.

However-if you educate yourself-you can ensure you don't allow that to happen in your life. Adults generally are not diagnosed at all and women/girls are OFTEN misdiagnosed as "depressed" instead of ADD because ADD can have depression as a co-morbid illness. Unfortunately treating someone who IS ADD with anti-depressants can actually make the ADD worse which creates a HUGE disaster.

The calendar thing is key. I am VERY organized, own my own business, do my own paperwork, taxes, etc for the business with no help. There are varying degrees off ADD-and there are also differences in how it manifests from men to women and in different people. Just like blood pressure-if you have high blood pressure and they prescribe one med for you, that doens't mean that I would do well with it if I have high blood pressure. I may in fact not need meds at all, just need to alter some detail of my life like increasing exercise.

I would suggest going online and looking at ADDitude.com and some others just to see if anything seems to register. If you want to send me a private message I could give you more options.

Bottomline with the relationship (took me long enough to get there myself) is that you need to be concrete in making sure your needs are met. I am (like you described yourself) amazing about being easy going to the point where sometimes I do more then I SHOULD which allows the other person to "get away with things" that they should not because it seems to me like it's "just not that big of a deal".

If he IS ADD getting help (not necessarily meds) to control it and help him train himself to better responsibility THROUGHOUT his life would help a lot. If he's not-therapy still might be in order to help him comprehend HIS responsibility in the marriage and how critical it is for him to communicate with you if he wants a good marriage (poly aside).

Does that make sense?
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Old 10-01-2009, 08:20 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
That's true-in all walks of life there are people looking for excuses for bad behavior. At the same time-someone who is truly ADD (which can only be identified by a professional with experience) has major differences in how their brain operates and they CAN NOT do certain things the way average normal people do. So getting diagnosed so that they can learn HOW they CAN do it is critical.

It would be sad for such an openminded, caring, responsible women to have her relationship fall apart because her husband had a medical issue that COULD resolve their problems (if that is what it is).

NOW-that doens't mean he WILL do anything about it-but wouldn't more info be better than less?
I agree with all that. I try to find pitfalls in scenarios so that contingencies might be devised.

It all comes down to the fact that one person cannot change another person. They can support, encourage, threaten, forgive, and understand, but if the husband's behaviour patterns are working for him, he prob'ly won't change until and unless they stop generating the results he wants.

The whole thing with the "Yes or no" bugs me because if the OP says "Yes you can see her" he will take that as carte-blanche to do whatever, whenever, and if she says "No" then he can be all "unhappy" and blame it on his wife: "I'm unhappy FOR YOU honey, I'm doing what YOU WANTED".

Dear Moonandstars - I apologize for speaking of you in the 3rd person as if you're not in the room.
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Old 10-01-2009, 08:32 PM
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I agree with all that. I try to find pitfalls in scenarios so that contingencies might be devised.

It all comes down to the fact that one person cannot change another person. They can support, encourage, threaten, forgive, and understand, but if the husband's behaviour patterns are working for him, he prob'ly won't change until and unless they stop generating the results he wants.

The whole thing with the "Yes or no" bugs me because if the OP says "Yes you can see her" he will take that as carte-blanche to do whatever, whenever, and if she says "No" then he can be all "unhappy" and blame it on his wife: "I'm unhappy FOR YOU honey, I'm doing what YOU WANTED".

Dear Moonandstars - I apologize for speaking of you in the 3rd person as if you're not in the room.
The yes/no irritates me as well. I find it frustrating to even have to have a discussion with someone who is like that. Ironically my husband is black/white as well and sometimes I feel like I have to lead him to the other crayons, color with them and then he finally says "oh wow there is another color" after spending all that time insisting it didn't exist.

Frankly I wouldn't ask my husband for a yes/no (I'm the one who promotes poly in our marriage). I let him know "this is me and this is what i need/want so how can we make it work?" But that is just me.

As for the responsibility-sometimes the best way to find out of someone is willing to do something about their irresponsibility-is to stop taking care of it for them. Not always fun, not always easy-but it does generally show you what they are willing to do. Sometimes (especially with men) they don't see the point in changing something that works. So if you are doing it for them, why should they start doing it?
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:22 AM
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The whole taking care of THREE children bugs me. What exactly does your husband do to help you out? If he wants to have another girlfriend, he needs to first be sure he is taking care of the family he already has.

My husband is like a child sometimes too. Often, actually. Since I stopped working I've been doing everything in the household, which I truly don't mind. But it's when I give him that one little thing I need done and three days later it's still sitting there and then I do it finally and he goes "I was just gonna". Ugh. Today I actually finally let him have it and am boycotting doing anything else I have asked him to do because I don't ask for alot. (Damn YGirl, it must be my darned bipolar acting up again, lol) I'm hoping that it makes him realize he has some responsibilities around here too and I cannot do everything, especially with another child on the way. We'll see.

A few people are talking about trust issues in regards to his feelings for his ex being the apparent catalyst for the poly discussion. I feel a little differently on that. He didn't physically act on his feelings for her behind your back. And, from what you say, she herself wasn't aware he had those feelings. The way I see it, he didn't break your trust because he didn't fall for her intentionally nor act on these emotions without first talking to you when he realized he did have the emotions. Have you never had a friend you suddenly realized you felt more for without the intent to ever do so? It may be that these feelings and the confusion they caused are what led him to realizing he was poly in the first place though he was never looking to be. I can't fault him for that as I think many of us discover our poly nature by actually loving more than one person simultaneously without the intention of doing so. I have to commend him for being honest with you about it, even if he was a little late in telling you the why of it.

What I do not like is his yes/no line of questioning. Until everything else clears and you feel secure enough to give a definitive answer, I think you need to let him know he'll have to settle for a maybe right now. It sounds like you two have enough to handle on your own before adding another person and all her issues/compromises/needs to the plate. Not to mention all the compromises their new relationship will have, including time constraints and effective communication skills. He should not be putting all this pressure on you, but should instead work on more effectively handling his role as husband and father in order to build your trust and faith in him being able to handle more in his life.

You ARE amazingly open minded. I wish you all the best.
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:23 AM
moonandstars moonandstars is offline
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Thank for all the input. I guess we WILL have a closer look at ADD again. thanks for the website, if necessary, I remember about the private email. i dont' know any adults who are dealing with this.

as to the YES/NO .... well, yes, he used to look at it as if Yes, means he could do what is good for the other relationship. After long discussions he has however understood that the views of what poly means for everybody can be so different and tha my YES was not meant for what he understood. so we agree in terms of frequency (how often can he see her etc. or let's say that I feel my needs are taken into consideration) now. But it is so difficult when the confrontations are so hard. it is not that i am avoiding conflict, but as you said, why can't we just look for a color that suits both of us. As you said, after days of talking he comes proudly and tells me that he has discovered that there IS another color besides black and white. the one i pointed out from the start......... is it a male thing???
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Old 10-02-2009, 06:01 AM
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Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post

A few people are talking about trust issues in regards to his feelings for his ex being the apparent catalyst for the poly discussion. I feel a little differently on that. He didn't physically act on his feelings for her behind your back. And, from what you say, she herself wasn't aware he had those feelings. The way I see it, he didn't break your trust because he didn't fall for her intentionally nor act on these emotions without first talking to you when he realized he did have the emotions. Have you never had a friend you suddenly realized you felt more for without the intent to ever do so? It may be that these feelings and the confusion they caused are what led him to realizing he was poly in the first place though he was never looking to be. I can't fault him for that as I think many of us discover our poly nature by actually loving more than one person simultaneously without the intention of doing so. I have to commend him for being honest with you about it, even if he was a little late in telling you the why of it.

What I do not like is his yes/no line of questioning. Until everything else clears and you feel secure enough to give a definitive answer, I think you need to let him know he'll have to settle for a maybe right now. It sounds like you two have enough to handle on your own before adding another person and all her issues/compromises/needs to the plate. Not to mention all the compromises their new relationship will have, including time constraints and effective communication skills. He should not be putting all this pressure on you, but should instead work on more effectively handling his role as husband and father in order to build your trust and faith in him being able to handle more in his life.

You ARE amazingly open minded. I wish you all the best.
I very much agree with this post. I know I didn't intend to fall in love with someone else. In fact I intended not to. If that makes sense. But the emotions came. Unfortunately I wasn't as upfront as I should have been. Even when I thought I was-there were misunderstandings.
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Old 10-02-2009, 06:03 AM
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Thank for all the input. I guess we WILL have a closer look at ADD again. thanks for the website, if necessary, I remember about the private email. i dont' know any adults who are dealing with this.
See if you can find the book "deliveredfrom distraction getting the most out of a life with Attention Deficit Disorder". (don't ask why I did and didn't capitalize I dont know) by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. It has a wealth of info. I'm sure you could find a used copy on Amazon for cheaper too!

GOOD LUCK!!! Keep your head up.
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Old 10-02-2009, 08:05 AM
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My husband is like a child sometimes too. Often, actually. Since I stopped working I've been doing everything in the household, which I truly don't mind. But it's when I give him that one little thing I need done and three days later it's still sitting there and then I do it finally and he goes "I was just gonna". Ugh. Today I actually finally let him have it and am boycotting doing anything else I have asked him to do because I don't ask for alot.

Oh, I see, I am not alone. I have similar strategies. tell him once and wait. But as you said, very often it does not get done. if it is not important, never mind, if it is I will do it and if someoneelse offers help i'll take it from someone else (mainly my parents).


From what I feel and here in the discussion it is the trust issue that needs to be rebuilt. And that is a BIG issue. I am optimist and I have enough general trust in life to see the possibility, but I also see that is a HUGE amount of work to get all these little deceptions healed and to be honest my big fear is that he is NOT aware of the amount of repair work that he has to do. Taking the kids for a walk once or tidying in stuff in the room does not prove a change in attitude, just a temporary good will. It might be a change if it lasts for quite a while. I may seem paranoic, it is in fact quite deceiving to take these momentary actions as change in attitude and find out later, that a lot of the rest goes on as usual. i guess it is a long work period for all and it is necessary to work on all the details. I wish he saw that as well!!!
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  #20  
Old 10-02-2009, 10:05 AM
moonandstars moonandstars is offline
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Dear Moonandstars - I apologize for speaking of you in the 3rd person as if you're not in the room.
this irritated me in the beginning on this forum, but i understand that each topic brings up so many other things that one wants to respond to, that sometimes the OP is the third person. i understand, but I appreciate the apology and I still feel as though I am in the room
but it actually does feel weird when others discuss MY problem; but I guess that can help find insights as well.

i actually really appreciate the discussion, i would never have thought that this forum could help me that much to make my thoughts clearer and that you would take me that serious. thanks - YOU ARE ALL REALLY WONDERFUL!
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