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  #21  
Old 05-13-2011, 06:39 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Originally Posted by Masquerade78 View Post
Are you still with your wife if you don't mind be asking? What if I'm looking for someone else, to tolerate the things in my marriage I'm not happy with? Being happy with the addition of someone else to as escapism. I want to love them both but I think it may be for the wrong reasons :-/
I am. I only "came out" to her three weeks ago, and I very much don't want our marriage to fall apart, so I'm doing as everyone suggests and taking it slow, working on OUR relationship FIRST.

One thing everyone says (many from bitter experience) is that poly will not fix what's wrong with your primary relationship. If anything, it will expose and x-ray every crack.

If you want your marriage to survive, you need to work things out with your husband FIRST. You're starting from a very different place than I am, so I'm not sure that I can offer much other than kind words and reassurance. I can say that I don't think it will work out well if you have a boundary-defying affair with your friend, not if "works out well" means "staying married to your husband."

If something your husband wants makes you unhappy (e.g., being 'pimped out'), TELL HIM. If you need something else to make you happy, TELL HIM. It may be an unpleasant conversation, so a little background reading about nonviolent communication, assertive communication, and "I" language may be helpful. Learn the tools you need to say uncomfortable things in a non-accusatory manner, and rehearse using them (yes, imagine the things you want to say--several times--in advance of the actual discussion. It's OK to make notes, too, and refer to them during the actual discussion).

Keeping your voice calm, using non-accusatory language ("own your own shit"), taking a moment to think about what he says in response and to arrest your own immediate reactions so that you can carefully think about what you want to say next, can help to keep the conversation eerily calm, even though you are dealing with intense, difficult issues.

Finally, as I am learning every day, it may take much longer than you like to get where you want to go. That's just the way it is, if you want to accomplish the twin goals of keeping your marriage and satisfying your emotional needs with others.
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  #22  
Old 05-13-2011, 07:08 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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What if I'm looking for someone else, to tolerate the things in my marriage I'm not happy with?
Oh, no, no, no! Not a good reason to be involved with someone else! That's okay if it's a booty call, but for a relationship - disaster.

When a marriage is in trouble, adding people won't necessarily make it better and could very well make it worse. I hear/read time and time again that for poly to work (for a married couple branching out) the foundation of your relationship must be healthy and strong. I think it would behoove you to look inward rather than outward to see what needs to be fixed. How can you feel whole and satisfied in your life without relying on someone else and how do you both work on being the supportive partners each of you deserve? Love is expansive, not an escape.

And, also, put yourself in the shoes of the person you'd get involved with - essentially they're being used to make you feel better. How would that feel if someone was doing that to you? Escaping from crappy stuff, using you to feel some sense of gratification? If that person has desires beyond just a casual fling, he will be crushed when the day comes that you don't need him as a Band-aid anymore.

Of course, it's totally different if it's just sex as a release, but if you want more... go for more in your marriage, I would say is a healthier solution.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-13-2011 at 11:23 PM.
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  #23  
Old 05-13-2011, 10:04 PM
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I think there are some questions being asked on this thread that are very insightful! And honest, to contemplate. Sometimes our motives can be unclear -- especially to ourselves.

One thing I'm finding is that my bf has certain qualities that I was attracted to, which turn out to be facets of my own personality that I'd like to strengthen. On the flip side, he is in a transition place in his life and I am fulfilling certain needs for him. So we are having an even exchange, so to speak.

The husband pimping you out? Ha ha I had my funny feelings about that at one point too -- although it was really nothing like that, just a strange feeling, when he was getting pleasure out of my sexual relations with another man. But he was not forcing me to do it, he was not benefiting monetarily (of course not), and the strange feeling soon passed. Now I can deal with it a little better when I realize -- it's ok that he gets some pleasure out of my pleasure! No point in being stingy Sometimes he even helps me decide what to wear But -- not ALL the time. We're pretty balanced at this point. Poly is working rather well for us at the moment (stay tuned, ha!) It IS a roller coaster, especially at first.

As for the escapism -- don't you think anyone who is living a life where they feel stifled or oppressed, forced into monogamy, unable to be their authentic self, would have some issues with depression??? I find it common here. Not unlike how it is common in the gay community -- living a lie is DEPRESSING. Rejoice in knowing that here, you don't have to live that way I have found a lot of great people here who have "escaped" the old conventions in a brave and creative way, and I am so impressed and inspired. Not to mention encouraged and supported. I hope you will be, too. Welcome to the forum!
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  #24  
Old 05-13-2011, 11:30 PM
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Masquerade78 Masquerade78 is offline
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I totally agree nycindie - I'm confuzzled and analysing everything. Don't want to hurt anyone and just desperately trying to understand my own motives :-S
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  #25  
Old 05-14-2011, 12:13 AM
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Masquerade78 Masquerade78 is offline
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I think that I love my husband dearly. I always want him in my life. But I want someone to treat me the way I deserve to bs treated. Life is just too damn short!! I think maybe this isn't the place for me and I just need to sort my head out. Thank you for your help and support x
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  #26  
Old 05-14-2011, 06:25 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Originally Posted by Masquerade78 View Post
I think that I love my husband dearly. I always want him in my life. But I want someone to treat me the way I deserve to bs treated.
So ask for it! As much as you love each other, you cannot read each other's minds. If you do not ask for what you want, you are unlikely to ever get it. It would be a shame for your marriage to not work simply because you were unwilling or afraid to talk to each other!

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Life is just too damn short!!
It is indeed, so ask for what you want! Talk with your husband!
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  #27  
Old 05-14-2011, 09:42 AM
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Masquerade78 Masquerade78 is offline
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Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
If you do not ask for what you want, you are unlikely to ever get it. It would be a shame for your marriage to not work simply because you were unwilling or afraid to talk to each other!
Ok, maybe I need to rehearse the things I need to set but we've been through it many times and it's unlikely he will change :-/
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  #28  
Old 05-14-2011, 10:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Well, perhaps you shouldn't be asking for what you want. Instead, tell him what you need.

Be loving but firm. Don't approach it like, "Gee, this is what I want, um, will you change, please, and give it to me?" >>squeak, squeak, little mouse<< Approach it like, "Certain things are unacceptable to me and need to change. I cannot live like this anymore. Let's figure out how we can work together on this." <<Lioness's roar>>
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-14-2011 at 10:35 PM.
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