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  #11  
Old 05-14-2011, 05:22 PM
Alan1969yes Alan1969yes is offline
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Thanks guys for your opinions and your support.

Latest updates:

Vixen has accepted that she doesn’t love her husband (Michelangelo) as much as she thought she did. Vixen will probably break up with Michelangelo but I have not asked her to do this, and in fact I am saddened by this turn of events.

Vixen & I love each other. I don’t want to be the source of a breakup between Vixen and Michelangelo, but I think my presence has made Vixen feel that she has been living her life unconsciously for quite some time . . . anyhoo . . . Michelangelo is ultimately Vixens decision . . .

Vixen doesn’t really have the time to devote to me in the immediate future (maybe only once a fortnight) & is therefore happy for me to also be with Red, to “make sure I don’t get too lonely”. Vixen says she sees Red as her “agent” in looking after me while she, Vixen, cannot. But Vixen tells me that she doesn’t see this as a “forever” arrangement and that she is not poly, and will eventually want me to give Red up, once she (Vixen) can devote more time to me.

I have explained to Vixen that I actually have feelings for Red and that I need to “come out” to Red about my wish to pursue my feelings with Vixen. Now what Red makes of all that, will be another story!

And if Red dumps me (a likelihood!), what happens then! In Vixen's world, would I find a new “agent”? I have put this to Vixen but we haven’t come up with a solution yet.

I have tried to use neutral language here, but I have my own thoughts and feelings on (a) what Vixen has said to me about eventually giving up Red, and (b) about the “agency” arrangement, but I would be interested to see what “the group” says about these 2 issues before I express myself . . .

Remember, Vixen is also reading this, so please be gentle on us both . . .
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  #12  
Old 05-14-2011, 05:32 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hmm, I resent the idea of putting someone on hold and giving them into 'safe-keeping' by another. To me, it totally devalues both the person who is to be put on the hold and their (not self-assigned) safe-keeper, who is seen as an intermediary thing to facilitate the progress of another relationship.

I don't see Vixen (hello Vixen, do join in whenever, we are a friendly bunch) being very realistic about this at all. While she has every right to not be poly if that is how she feels, then you are eventually looking into a mono/poly relationship, if you feel you are poly.

I think you should also get Red on the loop. It seems a bit unfair to be discussing her assigned role & function in your life and the future thereof when she probably still thinks she is developing a happily monogamous relationship with you!
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  #13  
Old 05-15-2011, 12:50 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan1969yes View Post
Vixen doesn’t really have the time to devote to me in the immediate future (maybe only once a fortnight) & is therefore happy for me to also be with Red, to “make sure I don’t get too lonely”. Vixen says she sees Red as her “agent” in looking after me while she, Vixen, cannot. But Vixen tells me that she doesn’t see this as a “forever” arrangement and that she is not poly, and will eventually want me to give Red up, once she (Vixen) can devote more time to me.
Screw being gentle, I am going to be blunt. That is just fucked up.

Why should you give up Red, if you have feelings for her? Why would Vixen think she can dictate who you love? It is simply selfish and unreasonable for her to say, "Well, it's okay for you to be involved with her while I have no time for you, but when I'm ready, you better snap to it and only be with me!" What bullshit. I wouldn't stand for that kind of callous selfishness.
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  #14  
Old 05-15-2011, 01:37 PM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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Hi Alan (and Vixen),

If I were to read between the lines, it appears that because of your past history together and the strong emotions involved in reuniting, it seems that the strength of the connection between the two of you is stronger than with you and Red. However, I also get the fact that you have developing feelings for Red as well that may or may not deepen over time.

As others have said, it does not seem fair to Red to intentionally put her into an "interim" role until the time that a deeper relationship becomes possible with Vixen. If you love Vixen and also have feelings for Red, then the sooner it is possible for everyone to talk about their needs and desires and what they are willing to accept and not accept the better. I know this is probably difficult, but at least everyone can make an informed decision about how each wants to move forward.

This kind of openness is risky business! I honestly hope that you and Vixen do get to be together one day as it seems like your connection has withstood the test of time! However, I also hope this connection does not come at the expense of who you are, and also at the expense of using Red as an interim until this is possible. All the best!
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