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Old 05-13-2011, 06:39 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Austin, TX
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Originally Posted by Masquerade78 View Post
Are you still with your wife if you don't mind be asking? What if I'm looking for someone else, to tolerate the things in my marriage I'm not happy with? Being happy with the addition of someone else to as escapism. I want to love them both but I think it may be for the wrong reasons :-/
I am. I only "came out" to her three weeks ago, and I very much don't want our marriage to fall apart, so I'm doing as everyone suggests and taking it slow, working on OUR relationship FIRST.

One thing everyone says (many from bitter experience) is that poly will not fix what's wrong with your primary relationship. If anything, it will expose and x-ray every crack.

If you want your marriage to survive, you need to work things out with your husband FIRST. You're starting from a very different place than I am, so I'm not sure that I can offer much other than kind words and reassurance. I can say that I don't think it will work out well if you have a boundary-defying affair with your friend, not if "works out well" means "staying married to your husband."

If something your husband wants makes you unhappy (e.g., being 'pimped out'), TELL HIM. If you need something else to make you happy, TELL HIM. It may be an unpleasant conversation, so a little background reading about nonviolent communication, assertive communication, and "I" language may be helpful. Learn the tools you need to say uncomfortable things in a non-accusatory manner, and rehearse using them (yes, imagine the things you want to say--several times--in advance of the actual discussion. It's OK to make notes, too, and refer to them during the actual discussion).

Keeping your voice calm, using non-accusatory language ("own your own shit"), taking a moment to think about what he says in response and to arrest your own immediate reactions so that you can carefully think about what you want to say next, can help to keep the conversation eerily calm, even though you are dealing with intense, difficult issues.

Finally, as I am learning every day, it may take much longer than you like to get where you want to go. That's just the way it is, if you want to accomplish the twin goals of keeping your marriage and satisfying your emotional needs with others.
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