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Old 05-12-2011, 06:20 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
And thanks for the commendation even if it reads like a back-handed one. It may be your style of writing. I am sure you didn't mean for that tone. I thank you for your time in reading our stories. It does mean something that you are interested in our story and giving advice and support to any one of us. Thanks.
Oh, dear - I think it might seem back-handed just because my own personal convictions were mixed into my response. I didn't mean to suggest that everything I personally could or couldn't live with was describing everything about your situation. For me, I'd be willing to completely give up a secondary relationship (and I know the terms secondary and primary are rather inadequate - I personally don't like a hierarchical viewpoint all that much), not just for a few weeks or months, if I knew the man's marriage was falling apart and the wife was in pain. Not that it would be my fault (or yours, in your situation) -- it is, I think, all about the foundation being strong enough to handle additional, multiple relationships, more than the particulars of those additional relationships themselves - but I would know my presence is a factor and I just couldn't live with it. I would think that if it's meant to be for me to love a man who is married, whether poly or not, that it would happen in its own time frame and no matter how long it took for he and his wife to resolve things. Yes, I could live with years of stepping back or giving it up altogether.

I am the type of person that always feels that if something goes wrong, it's my fault, so I'm super sensitive to other people's pain and will always take a step back if I play any possible part in it (not cause it - I think everyone is responsible for their own feelings). My opinion is a reaction to reading your post, and the blogs, but it is also specific to me, because I know I would be extremely uncomfortable in a situation such as yours for very long at all. I know your own blog is recent, but you have contributed to KT's which I've read completely, and other threads. Reading these blogs is such a learning experience. Writing mine helps me so much as well.

I know nobody can really get everything right all the time. Poly seems to be a huge learning experience for so many reasons. Yes, I think it is commendable that you are stepping back! And yes, I think it's overdue and if it were me, I would have done it a long time ago, no matter what KT or 2Rings said -- but that's just me. I'm not sure setting any time frame is always going to be workable when it comes to affairs of the heart, as oftentimes patience is the most important thing that is required. But it is good to know that you are choosing this path and that all of you are in this place of wanting healing now.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 05-12-2011 at 06:42 PM.
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