Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 10-02-2009, 01:32 AM
violet violet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Nevada
Posts: 93
Default

^^^ See? This is why I love you, baby. And this attitude is why it will work, IMO. We'll cover it 1,000 times if that's what it takes. And I know you and Anne feel the same way.

We'll get it worked out, one way or another.
Reply With Quote
  #52  
Old 10-02-2009, 01:42 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by violet View Post
It's tough - I feel like HMA and Anne go running in the direction I said I was comfortable with, only to get tripped by a diamond filament invisible wire I didn't even know was there! I'm as shocked by it as they are! And when I go to start cutting at the filament, it's fucking diamond. And DAMN hard to get through.
That's a good description, and honestly, it was exactly this kind of filament that ended the relationship I was in. She didn't know it was there till it cut off all our legs. (or really cut off my legs and something else for them)

The trouble is that in the way it was set up, as half of the "established" couple, she was the only one that was allowed to have those filaments and all adjustments had to be based on her issues, thus disempowering me even further.

One of my good friends described a certain amount of equality this way: If the established partner said, "I'm feeling a bit insecure at the moment, could you spend less time with our new partner so we can work on it?", could that situation be reversed where the new partner said, "I'm feeling insecure at the moment. Could you spend less time with your established partner so we can work on it?"

Honestly, from what I've been reading of yours and HMA's descriptions of the dynamic when Anne spends time with HMA, I would honestly have reasons to be insecure of that relationship if I was in Anne's place. But then again, I've just been burned, so I probably don't have the best perspective
Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 10-02-2009, 02:40 AM
violet violet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Nevada
Posts: 93
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
That's a good description, and honestly, it was exactly this kind of filament that ended the relationship I was in. She didn't know it was there till it cut off all our legs. (or really cut off my legs and something else for them)

The trouble is that in the way it was set up, as half of the "established" couple, she was the only one that was allowed to have those filaments and all adjustments had to be based on her issues, thus disempowering me even further.

One of my good friends described a certain amount of equality this way: If the established partner said, "I'm feeling a bit insecure at the moment, could you spend less time with our new partner so we can work on it?", could that situation be reversed where the new partner said, "I'm feeling insecure at the moment. Could you spend less time with your established partner so we can work on it?"

Honestly, from what I've been reading of yours and HMA's descriptions of the dynamic when Anne spends time with HMA, I would honestly have reasons to be insecure of that relationship if I was in Anne's place. But then again, I've just been burned, so I probably don't have the best perspective
Just for the record, I am INTENSELY glad for your input. As someone who is discovering "filaments", it's good for me to have the viewpoint of someone on the opposite end of the spectrum - ie, someone who has been burned and had their feet cut off by that exact thing. It's healthy.

I fully believe and want Anne to have the same freedom I do when it comes to spending time dealing with insecurities with HMA. It's important for her! Right now, my struggle is with making that sacrifice. She DOES need to spend time with him - and I need him too. I'm going from having unrestricted access to his support, to sharing it with someone else. It's tough for me. And I recognize fully - as he and I have been talking about - that a lot of that is my fault. I've been indulging in my insecurities based on past experiences I don't want to get into here.

Anne is more than welcome to have her own filaments, as is HMA. We've tripped on some of them already! I feel like we all need to be working on cutting and discovering filaments in this relationship. It hasn't been long at all for us, only about 3 weeks - and we're doing really really well with it. I think that discovering as many of these at the BEGINNING is healthiest. Better to find them and either cut them or step over them NOW rather than 5 years down the road when it will be WAAAAAAY harder.

Anne has every reason to feel insecure. I recognize that a lot of her insecurities are because of mine. She and I, combined with all three of us and my private conversations with HMA are helping to overcome that.
Reply With Quote
  #54  
Old 10-02-2009, 02:53 AM
aussielover's Avatar
aussielover aussielover is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Home Sweet Home :D
Posts: 262
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
Having said what I said up there, I am rooting for our own home-team-triad of SG-AB-AL. If ANYONE "has what it takes" it is they who do.
AWWWWW Thanks YGirl!
That means a lot!
hehehe EVERYONE wants the Home team to win!
We're workin on it! There have been a couple challenges but we're facing them and overcoming them!



HMA, yup that would be us. Hello. Sunshinegrl and I are mostly the ones that post, although Aussiebloke comes and reads a bit. The three of us have quite a story, if you're interested, we've got bios up in life stories forum.


Balancing can be difficult.
With us, we've known and loved each other for 4 years and even though there was a lot of distance, and a bit of a break, we still came through it. We all want this to work and are working hard to make it do so.

It broke my heart for Coeli when I read this thread.

I hope HMA, Violet and Anne, you can find something that works for you.
__________________
"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Home
Reply With Quote
  #55  
Old 10-02-2009, 03:06 AM
violet violet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Nevada
Posts: 93
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by aussielover View Post
I hope HMA, Violet and Anne, you can find something that works for you.
Thank you from all of us! It's always nice to feel supported.
Reply With Quote
  #56  
Old 10-02-2009, 03:34 AM
maca's Avatar
maca maca is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 204
Default

I just signed up for the boards.Nice to be here.I wanted to just say that the post kari made on the thread about being a third really hit home for me thank you.Im not the third but Im also not poly. My wife is (recently out front with me about it) and I love her.I dont want to hurt her or her partner and I realize its up to me to take care of the woman I love.
Reply With Quote
  #57  
Old 10-02-2009, 04:12 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

One reason I like terms is that it kind of establishes some guidelines and perspectives for others experiencing and going through similar situations. I don't always think it's necessary to keep terms after relationships are established, but in the light of explaining to new people or asking for help from others, they can be helpful....

HML, violet and Anne-I'm not sure why you are calling your relationship a triad when it seems it's a "V?"

It seems that you have a "V" relationship which means that Anne is not a "unicorn." Which means that she is different from Ceoli.... I might be wrong on this, but I haven't heard you say anything about your love for her in terms of romantic love and connection....

In the "V" I am in my primaries love each other very much and we sometimes have engaged in sexual situations together. Their love is not romantic however but that of friends and comrades together in our poly situation. They spend time together as friends and discuss issues that come up without my being there. It is important that they do so or this would never work. We also spend a lot of time socializing together and always refer to all three of us when talking to our friends about invites to events etc.

The idea of a "third" in terms of a "V" is very different than in a triad it seems. It seems to denote that the members can go about having other relationships if they want to.... something different than a closed triad that is polyfi. I'm not sure why that is, it just seems to occur...

Perhaps if you were to clarify what each other means to each other then the division of where everyone stands would be clearer. Perhaps some terms would be useful to start out with and then promptly lose when it feels right to do so...
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #58  
Old 10-02-2009, 04:22 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
HML, violet and Anne-I'm not sure why you are calling your relationship a triad when it seems it's a "V?"
I was kind of wondering about that.


Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Perhaps if you were to clarify what each other means to each other then the division of where everyone stands would be clearer. Perhaps some terms would be useful to start out with and then promptly lose when it feels right to do so...

I don't see a division...just a dialogue and exchange of perspectives. But still a very good suggestion.
Reply With Quote
  #59  
Old 10-02-2009, 05:11 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

yes good point Ceoli.... I am going with what you are saying... "dialogue and exchange of perspectives" is a better way of putting it.... thanks
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #60  
Old 10-02-2009, 06:41 AM
sweetie sweetie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 62
Default

One of my good friends described a certain amount of equality this way: If the established partner said, "I'm feeling a bit insecure at the moment, could you spend less time with our new partner so we can work on it?", could that situation be reversed where the new partner said, "I'm feeling insecure at the moment. Could you spend less time with your established partner so we can work on it?"

I don't want to sound bitter... but Amen to that. I absolutely respect the relationship between my partners, and I believe in them maintaining that relationship, but not at a cost to my own emotional well-being.

I used to think it was because I wanted to be put first. Not always, but occasionally. Then I would feel guilty about wanting to be put first. I knew what I was walking into when I entered this relationship. My partners were definitely an established couple, and I was the one who joined them.

I have come to realize it wasn't about me being first, it was about being a part of the relationship. That what I have to say has value and meaning. That my feelings are no less valid then anyone else in our relationship. For a very long time, I didn't think I had a voice, and sometimes still feel like I don't. It really sucks to be left guessing as to what the other is thinking. Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and feelings. But if those thoughts and feelings aren't expressed, then you are left to fill in the blanks.

I really feel your pain Coeli. I know that at anytime I could be facing the same situation as you.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
third partner, third wheel, thirds

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:13 AM.