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  #61  
Old 05-12-2011, 03:45 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Me: I talked to my boss and she said that if I wanted to save up comp time and then, say, take every Friday off for a few months, that would be fine. I was thinking I could help out with the baby after you have to go back to work.
Gia: Great, I'm sure that'll be very welcome!
Me: [laughs] Well if you're sure then I guess it will be, since you're kind of in charge of that.
Gia: Honestly, you probably have a clearer picture of what the future might be like right now than I do, since you're not completely clouded by hormones.

So, that was that conversation. She expressed some surprise that I thought I'd be up for that much poopy, needy baby. I said that I wouldn't have offered if I weren't serious. I said I didn't think I had the energy or time for something that would deserve the term "co-parenting", but that what she and Eric were doing was important to me and I wanted to play a role.

It wasn't the enthusiastic, touching embrace of my offer that I might have dreamed of, but it could have gone worse. I'm thinking about offering financial assistance too, since some unexpected medical bills have put them in a difficult place.

I think I need to talk to Eric about it too, at some point. After all, it's his child too. I have this fear that I'm going to offer too much and they're going to get freaked out and pull back, or think that I'm infringing on their whole parent thing.

Ohhhh, fearfearfears, I wish you would just shut up. I want to be strong enough not to need to ask for reassurance. I've been feeling more insecure than I'm used too lately, and it's so annoying.
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  #62  
Old 05-12-2011, 03:59 AM
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Default And now for something completely different

I've talked a lot about Gia and Eric. One person I haven't touched on is that "strong secondary partner" I mentioned in my first post. That would be Davis.

I've known Davis since I was a teenager. We dated for three years when I was in my early 20's. It was a monogamous relationship, and we really built a life together.

After two years I cheated on him -- just once, then came home and apologized after. I almost left then, for the other person, but decided to stay. That third year of the relationship had its high points, but was pretty much the worst year of my life. I felt torn up all the time from the realization that I really did want to leave but couldn't muster the strength to do it. When I finally ended it, in early 2007, he was very depressed and I was just relieved.

We haven't managed to stay too far away from each other since. We've been friends throughout, and lovers off and on. Last year we started saying "I love you" to each other again.

He's a true mono. In the four years since we split up, he hasn't once been with anyone else. He told me that it was hard to come to terms with the fact that he truly didn't feel much desire for anyone else, but that he's at peace with it now. He's a cherished friend to me and despite our past there's a great deal of faith and trust between us.

I haven't talked about Davis here because there hasn't been much to say. But now, it seems that's changing. I used to compartmentalize my life... Davis knew about Gia and vice versa, but I didn't invite them to the same outings, primarily because I knew that, while he accepted it, Davis didn't like to think of me with other people. Recently, though, he called me out on my habit of keeping him out of parts of my life. At my birthday party last month I had all of my lovers there. Davis was taciturn, but he managed.

Since then, he's said to me "I don't want to change you, I know there's no point in that... but I feel like part of a smorgasbord when I want to be the main course." In other words, without having the vocabulary for it, he's asking to be my primary.

I told him that I was willing to think about it. I told him that there was no way I was going to leave Gia, but that other aspects of my life could be negotiable. He said he had a hard time picturing what a new relationship between the two of us would look like. I'm going to send him some articles on mono/poly relationships.

Is this really something he can come to accept or even, ever, embrace? Am I setting us up to hurt each other badly once again? Will his sister, who took it poorly when we broke up, have a hit put out on me when she realizes what's going on?

*sigh* Well, we wouldn't want things to be simple, now would we?
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  #63  
Old 05-12-2011, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Ohhhh, fearfearfears, I wish you would just shut up. I want to be strong enough not to need to ask for reassurance. I've been feeling more insecure than I'm used too lately, and it's so annoying.
Those fearful thoughts might not be your own. Human beings are like radio receivers; we can pick up the thoughts and emotions of those around us like radio waves. I'm sure you've experienced how a room full of people can change in tone according to an event or something happening. Our brains and bodies just know what's going on before our conscious mind can understand it. I would guess that as first-time parents, Eric and Gia are both insecure, nervous, and afraid. You're just in tune with them. As you relax more, you'll begin to recognize your own thought processes and be able to identify when it's your own shit or not. And you can be the level-headed one in a crowd of confusion!
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  #64  
Old 05-12-2011, 10:30 AM
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I bet that right now, they have hard time imagining what a sea of change they are going to face in a few months. I can think of no better gift for a lover than your time when it is most needed - even taking the baby for a walk so that the new mum can take a short nap can be a life-saver. So the lack of enthusiasm is just part hormones and part of Gina having no idea how their life is going to change.

As to Davis - I'd wonder too if you will be able to give him the time and energy he needs, especially with this baby thing. On the other hand, it seems he is not going anywhere as it is. Have you talked about what being primaries might mean both for you and him and for you and Gina and Eric and baby Giric?
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  #65  
Old 05-13-2011, 12:30 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Those fearful thoughts might not be your own. Human beings are like radio receivers; we can pick up the thoughts and emotions of those around us like radio waves.
...
As you relax more, you'll begin to recognize your own thought processes and be able to identify when it's your own shit or not. And you can be the level-headed one in a crowd of confusion!
This is a really good point, and I think there's definitely some truth to it. Thank you!

As for relaxing... loosen up and lighten up, that's what I've been telling myself. I know that things can only get better if I do.
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  #66  
Old 05-13-2011, 12:39 AM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I bet that right now, they have hard time imagining what a sea of change they are going to face in a few months. I can think of no better gift for a lover than your time when it is most needed - even taking the baby for a walk so that the new mum can take a short nap can be a life-saver. So the lack of enthusiasm is just part hormones and part of Gina having no idea how their life is going to change.
No doubt. I ended up sending an email to Eric explaining what I was thinking in terms of my role as an "Aunt" and asking what his feelings were on the whole thing. He wrote me a good, thorough reply in which he said that he, also, has no idea how things are going to look and does not know what to expect, only that they will need their friends and family for support and will almost certainly be happy to accept whatever I offer. He also said that he wouldn't be ok with it if I got a tattoo to commemorate the baby's birth... yesssss, I know it sounds a little weird and crazy and maybe even creepy but it WAS something I'd been thinking about so I brought it up to him to feel him out on it and I'm glad I did since he didn't like the idea. Heh. It would have been tasteful and lovely! BUT it would also almost certainly have been a dumb idea, since I don't even know if I'll be in these guy's lives in another year. I'm just so excited about it all, y'know?

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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
As to Davis - I'd wonder too if you will be able to give him the time and energy he needs, especially with this baby thing. On the other hand, it seems he is not going anywhere as it is. Have you talked about what being primaries might mean both for you and him and for you and Gina and Eric and baby Giric?
Yeah, that's one of my biggest concerns about the whole thing... can we really balance it such that he doesn't feel neglected and I don't feel overtaxed? We haven't talked about it further yet, I just sent him some poly/mono articles last night so that he could begin to get a handle on how things MIGHT look (he has no knowledge or experience with the idea of poly whatsoever).

Baby Giric, omg so cute.
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  #67  
Old 05-13-2011, 02:32 PM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
...yesssss, I know it sounds a little weird and crazy and maybe even creepy but it WAS something I'd been thinking about so I brought it up to him to feel him out on it and I'm glad I did since he didn't like the idea. Heh. It would have been tasteful and lovely! BUT it would also almost certainly have been a dumb idea, since I don't even know if I'll be in these guy's lives in another year. I'm just so excited about it all, y'know?
I don't know if it's THAT dumb. For me, tattoos tell the story of what I hold important in my life, what I have been through and what I want to be reminded of. Does Eric have any of his own? You are invested in this baby because it is the baby of two people you love, and no matter what happens to your dynamic in the future, you are already in some ways part of the baby's life. The tattoo would have been a thing between you and the baby, not between you and Gina and Eric.

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Baby Giric, omg so cute.
Or Baby Erna. We just have to wait and see .
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  #68  
Old 05-13-2011, 09:32 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Hi Annabel!

Just finished your blog and I love it! You are so very thoughtful; Gia, Eric and Giric are VERY lucky to have you in their lives.
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  #69  
Old 05-14-2011, 04:55 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I don't know if it's THAT dumb. For me, tattoos tell the story of what I hold important in my life, what I have been through and what I want to be reminded of. Does Eric have any of his own? You are invested in this baby because it is the baby of two people you love, and no matter what happens to your dynamic in the future, you are already in some ways part of the baby's life. The tattoo would have been a thing between you and the baby, not between you and Gina and Eric.
Thank you for articulating my thoughts when I wasn't even able to. That's it exactly.

Eric does have tatts of his own, so does Gia. Their tatts are very personal to them, reflecting their personalities and their deepest commitments. I think they both found it odd to think that their baby could be something like that for me.

I think, more than anything, I saw them committing to this person who didn't exist yet and I wanted to make a commitment too, in a clear and visual way. But just being there can be that commitment, I don't need a tattoo. Maybe when the child is 5, if I'm still involved in his or her life and still feel this strongly about it, I'll bring the idea up again and see if his feelings have changed.
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  #70  
Old 05-14-2011, 05:08 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Hi Annabel!

Just finished your blog and I love it! You are so very thoughtful; Gia, Eric and Giric are VERY lucky to have you in their lives.
Thanks!

It's funny, I think things over in my head, then Gia and I talk about them, then I go over it all again here -- I end up processing this stuff three times over, and I still keep finding new aspects to explore. I think that's one of the things that draws me to poly in a way, the complexity. As frustrating as it can be, I like having something to chew on and work on.

I had a long instant message conversation with Gia today about all the things I've been talking about here... how impossible it is to define anything right now, how much everything might change. One phrase has been sticking with me more than anything else... she said that while she can't tell me what her family will end up looking like or what my relation to the baby might be, she will still have need for me in HER life.

In the midst of uncertainty, it's good to feel like there's something I can count on.

Her baby shower is tomorrow!!! Eeeeeeeeeee. ^_^
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