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  #11  
Old 10-02-2009, 02:08 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I love how you put "Equal" in quotes like that, because it just seems so wrong to force this "equality". It's like if it exists, great, you don't have to force it, but maybe you're just not READY for it. That is not necessarily a BAD thing (I'm starting to remind myself of JRM) - EMBRACE the inequality, EXPLORE it, ROLL AROUND NAKED IN YOUR INEQUALITY and only then will you come out the other side.

What was it my friend said... he was quoting from somewhere, like, "The only way out is through, the only way through is out" or vice-versa, something new-agey like that.

Bleh.
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  #12  
Old 10-02-2009, 02:58 AM
violet violet is offline
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Honestly? It sounds like to me you're trying to move the mountain to Mohammed here. I don't see the problem you're describing being solved by having Anne move in. What you're describing to me feels like an imbalance. Everything's fine as long as Violet gets to have you in bed each night. Anne doesn't get that choice and her needs are trumped by that fact. That fundamental imbalance will still exist even if the three of you share the same bed each night.

It sounds like you need to establish that relationship more, address that separation anxiety and truly come to a clear consensus about what all three of you view as your "equal" roles in the relationship. It's enough to try to establish how to live together...trying to do that *and* sort out how your relationship is going to be between the three of you seems like it could create unnecessary difficulty.

It's lovely that the time you spend together helps quell the insecure feelings, but you can't solve issues of insecurity by trying to prevent the situations that cause them. The actual insecurities need to be addressed, because they will always find new ways to surface. And there's always the chance that they could surface in much more harmful ways if you're all living together.
I REALLY hope I don't come across as a bitch here. I don't mean to at all. Just like we were talking in the other thread about you not being in the best mindset having just been burned, I'm not in the best one either. But, we can still have a mature discussion.

Addressing your first point - you aren't around to experience our dynamic, and the impression you're getting is just flat the wrong one. Anne and I have had this conversation between the two of us, and worked out the issue with my separation anxiety. She, right now, doesn't really feel as though she NEEDS HMA at night. And when she does, she and I talk and figure it out. The problems come when I don't get that communication, and when I haven't gotten to enjoy the dynamic that all three of us have together. I get nervous, anxious, and unable to handle it.

Frankly, with our dynamic, a TON of it is solved when all three of us are together, and per discussions with Anne, the fact that we don't live together is a HUGE part of her own discomfort. The fundamental imbalance, as you put it, is indeed fixed when we are ALL together. The comfort level we all seek is THERE when we're all together, etc. I see no problems with building individual relationships between two of us off of a foundation of happiness, security, and comfort when all three of us are together.

We aren't looking to solve the problems of insecurity by preventing the situation that cause them. We're looking to find that level of security that exists between all three of us, and use that security to help outright fix the insecurities that exist when that dynamic is broken. Does that make sense?

Honestly, with our dynamic, this is the most efficient way we've found to go about it. And like I said, we ARE working on each individual issue for the time being, between all three of us. Anne and I KNOW how important communication is between the two of us. It IS NOT feasible for us to move in right away. I see no problems, as I said before, with us moving in together 4 months down the road when that's an easier reality, while working on the separate issues for the time being.
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  #13  
Old 10-02-2009, 02:59 AM
violet violet is offline
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
I love how you put "Equal" in quotes like that, because it just seems so wrong to force this "equality". It's like if it exists, great, you don't have to force it, but maybe you're just not READY for it. That is not necessarily a BAD thing (I'm starting to remind myself of JRM) - EMBRACE the inequality, EXPLORE it, ROLL AROUND NAKED IN YOUR INEQUALITY and only then will you come out the other side.

What was it my friend said... he was quoting from somewhere, like, "The only way out is through, the only way through is out" or vice-versa, something new-agey like that.

Bleh.
This is exactly how I feel. We're not trying to force the equality here, rather find a way to deal with the inequalities that do exist, embrace it, and then let it go. The only way out is through.
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  #14  
Old 10-02-2009, 03:24 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Violet, I don't mean to put you on the defensive about the work that you're doing on your relationships. I can only make comments based on what I read, so of course, the more you write about the the more we all learn about it. It's pretty clear that you're all working very hard and doing your best to keep communication open and free.

Obviously, you are the only ones in the dynamic so you have the most information. I can only offer my observations based upon what I see in the descriptions that you guys write about it. Obviously the decision rests with the three of you and I wish all of you good luck as you figure it all out.
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  #15  
Old 10-02-2009, 03:33 AM
violet violet is offline
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Violet, I don't mean to put you on the defensive about the work that you're doing on your relationships. I can only make comments based on what I read, so of course, the more you write about the the more we all learn about it. It's pretty clear that you're all working very hard and doing your best to keep communication open and free.

Obviously, you are the only ones in the dynamic so you have the most information. I can only offer my observations based upon what I see in the descriptions that you guys write about it. Obviously the decision rests with the three of you and I wish all of you good luck as you figure it all out.

I was certainly not meaning to come across as defensive, and I'm sincerely sorry if I did. Like I said, I greatly appreciate your input - it's objective, and whether or not your perceptions are wrong, it's something for me to think about. While Anne and I communicate well, I still think that sometimes she's uncomfy talking to me about her deeper insecurities, especially as they relate to me.

A lot of what you're saying may in fact resonate with her, and it's something for me to think about and a way for me to see things from a different point of view. It really is helpful, and a very healthy way for me to see things from a different POV.
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  #16  
Old 10-02-2009, 04:33 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Holy shit! Start a thread in an afternoon, walk away from it, and BOOM.... !!!

wow, didn't know this would be such a hot topic... but glad of it

I just wanted to remind, before commenting on any of this, that this is a public forum. It's important to remember, for me at least that we really don't know each other (except for my dear friends now on facebook... who I really only know a bit better, but a whole lot better than this!) and can only do a lot of guessing as to each others situations... I love that we can do this and talk frankly and bluntly because of it. Where else in life do you get to do that!

It's kind of like yelling at other drivers in traffic. When do they ever get to hear that we think they drove too fast through that school zone and should of slowed down as they almost ran over that kid they didn't even notice was waiting at the cross walk.

Really it is a great gift from the god of technology (yes, I really think that he is a male ) that we can talk like this at all. I for one try my best to take things with a grain of salt and also offer my opinion with as much openness as I can figuring that others do the same. What an opportunity to not only have the gift of each others openness, but also the gift of talking so freely! That is real ploy! we are having a real poly relationship! What would that make this...? a googleplexiad?
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  #17  
Old 10-02-2009, 04:58 AM
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I can't tell you how true this is. In the beginning most of us wanted to move in together as soon as we could. Circumstances didn't permit and thankfully, not all four of us were ready at the same time. Now, I see a different dynamic. I would like for us to live closer. 2 hours apart can be difficult. I can even see us living next door to each other.

Actually, that is a goal of mine. I do not think that we could live as peacefully under one roof. It would have to be a special house for that. To allow space and time away from the others. Living separately, next door, would give us each our space, a get away place and still be able to see each other in varying forms of configurations.

Hell, I'd be ok with living an hour apart I think. 2 hours makes it difficult to find times to see each other.

But I am thankful we didn't try to make a move in the beginning.

Vol
We have discussed moving closer and now it's happened!

We live 10 minutes away from each other and Mono's new place feels more and more like my second home (even though it looks like an Ikea showroom bachelor pad).

He has included me in many decisions and is patient while I move things around and push him to add some details, such as plants and pictures on the wall.... just to balance out the exercise equipment... heh (oh I am in so much trouble....lol)

I wish it were five weeks ago when we were all confident and radiant with love for one another, husband included. I try and remember what it felt like to have our private life private from my family. We were doing so well, now we feel depleted and exhausted, not to mention battered and uncertain.... not because we think poly is wrong as a result of others views, but because of the effect it has had that others do....

This is something else to consider when moving in together is how "out" you are.... because I'm telling you, people can get gangs together over their twisted words and distorted truths about what goes on in your life. If Mono had of moved in with us I wonder if my mother would have the cops at the door accusing him of being a predator... she certainly has done her darnedest to convince just about everyone else...

Tomorrow I go right from dropping my boy off at my husbands Mum's house and straight to Mono's for some long overdue long time lovin' (it has even put pressure on us to not see each other as much) a rarity in our world... we will rise above the shit bestowed on all of us and come out strong I think. We would struggle a lot longer if we all lived together as this kind of much needed private time would just never occur if we lived together.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-02-2009 at 09:21 PM.
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  #18  
Old 10-02-2009, 02:11 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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RP, I know you know this, but that is Real Life, and grownups deal with this shit.

Having other people impose their negativity ON YOU is one of the things that has put me in my "I don't like people" mindset. If I want to be negative or cynical, I can find all that within for a lot less effort.

I have been going through this process recently where, instead of purging or avoiding all negativity, I have been embracing and exploring it. Not that I have always been all sunshine-and-roses to begin with - HARDLY. But I am no longer buying into the idea that negative thoughts or feelings are a waste of energy. DENIAL is a waste of energy; probably the only negative midset there is is DENIAL. I have heard that there are only two emotions, love and fear. I don't even think fear is a bad thing, only denial of fear.

Unfortunately, I am still in the middle of this journey and do not have sufficient vocabulary at my fingertips to do justice to a written account (yet).

I also have to start getting ready for our last camping trip this weekend
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  #19  
Old 10-02-2009, 04:40 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
We have discussed moving closer and now it's happened!

We live 10 minutes away from each other and Mono's new place feels more and more like my second home (even though it looks like an Ikea showroom bachelor pad:

He has included me in many decisions and is patient while I move things around and push him to add some details, such as plants and pictures on the wall.... just to balance out the exercise equipment... (oh I am in so much trouble....lol)

.

I foresee a spanking in your future saucy woman!!...besides according to my mono friends I am basically a bachelor LOL!! They seriously don't get how much I love you and that we are in fact building a family to care for each other into the future.

As far as everything taking it's toll..we'll get through this, we've worked our way through so much already what really can stop us now
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