Confused Brisbane boy
This originally posted in "Introductions" but re-posted in new to Poly (Thanks for the suggestion Tonberry . . .
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Hi! I live in Brisbane, Australia. I am very new to the idea of polyamorous relationships. In fact, I really only started reading about it in the last 2 days, and it has been a revelation.
I was married for many years and have a couple of kids. Wife & I separated a couple of years ago. My first love (as a teenager) was “Vixen” and I have never got over her, although we did not contact each other for 25 years in the interim. I was always faithful in my marriage, and kept the “Vixen” part of my heart under lock and key . . . convincing myself that she was just a sweet childhood memory.
In early 2010 I tracked Vixen down and made contact with her again. I couldn’t bear living my life without at least knowing that Vixen was OK. It turns out that Vixen is (mostly) happily married to Michelangelo, and they have a son together.
As it happens . . . Vixen and I have started to share these intense feelings for each other . . . even after all these years. For the last couple of months, we have been emailing and / or calling each other almost every day, and have met a couple of times. We haven’t “done” anything to cheat on our partners but the thoughts are there, and so is the emotional connection. But is it a fantasy? Time will tell.
So Vixen & I are trying to explore these intense and confronting (and not wholly welcome) feelings we have for each other, and getting to know each other again as adults, and doing our best to do so ethically, in view of her love for Michelangelo, who I have not met yet. We haven’t acted on our feelings. Neither of us wants to hurt Michelangelo. The way I see it, if Vixen loves her husband (Michelangelo), then I do too (not sexually . . . I am straight). Neither of us wants to do anything to hurt Michelangelo. At this point, Michelangelo would definitely NOT be able to deal with Vixen’s & my feelings for each other.
I also have a girlfriend, Red, who I have been going out with for a couple of months – about the same time as I made contact with Vixen. I have started having feelings for Red as well as my feelings for Vixen. I don’t want to hurt Red either. Vixen knows everything that’s going on: Red and Michelangelo are still largely in the dark. Red might be a bit more flexible in the poly department than Michelangelo, but I don’t know that for sure.
I have never had a poly relationship but now that I’ve been reading about it, I think this may be worth exploring. Reading some of the posts here has been very comforting, and has given me hope that Vixen, Michelangelo, Red, and I might be able to work something out where we can all be happy together. Maybe not living together, but something!
My learning’s from this site so far: Vixen loves both me and Michelangelo. Once Vixen & I come to terms with exactly how we feel about each other, then we are going to have to explain this to Red and Michelangelo respectively. This will take time and patience and is fraught with risk.
So the options for Vixen & I seem to be:
(a) Walk away from each other and pursue “normal” lives with our Other Significant Others (“OSO” I believe is the terminology!) . . . neither of us feel we can do this and still be true to ourselves. We tried this and were miserable.
(b) Leave our OSO’s and try and have a normal “mono” life together (all these new terms!) . . . neither of us really want to do this – we each have feelings for our OSO’s and there would be other consequences (family law issues, loss of friends and family etc)
(c) Have a secret relationship behind the backs of our OSO’s . . . we don’t want to do this to each other, or to the OSO’s.
(d) Try and be “just friends” . . . this is heartbreaking, but in view of the wisdom from the other posts here, it seems the only rational and ethical thing to do is to keep our feelings in check until / if (e) happens. And perhaps to wait a while and see if those feelings continue.
(e) Eventually . . . come clean with Red & Michelangelo, about our feelings for each other, and try and negotiate something with them in the manner suggested by numerous posts on this site. I can’t believe people have been able to do it, but boy am I relieved they have, as it offers some hope to our breaking hearts. Of course, this would not be the end but the beginning of a whole new paradigm with its own difficulties. But we didn’t choose this . . . it just “is”.
Suggestions / comments / other options would be appreciated.
All knowledge is an illusion