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  #11  
Old 05-09-2011, 08:07 PM
Eloise Eloise is offline
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"Please don't be offended by this, but it doesn't sound like you're dating a couple. You don't even seem to like this woman--which isn't good, if you do like her husband."

Honestly, I'm not offended.

Without going into too much detail, she knows she lacks maturity, she knows her method of dealing with things is childish, and it has become apparent to her that for all that she is nice, she's needs to finally grow up and stop depending on others to take care of things.

I'm trying to keep it as general as possible; she knows if we're ever going to be close again, she has to make up a lot of ground.

I am sure this all sounds awful and mean. I should quit while I'm not too far behind.
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  #12  
Old 05-09-2011, 08:15 PM
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Ivy Ivy is offline
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I noticed you said you're not bisexual. Would it be healthier for all if you pursued a vee, instead of a triad?

They might feel the need to pursue other sexual relationships because she wants to feel like someone is sexually attracted to her, and not just putting up with her. It might also explain why she's not particularly apologetic about it--she might have enjoyed feeling desired, and may not really regret it as much as you want her to.

A vee might free her up to date other people on her own, and you could negotiate a relationship and boundaries with the husband (who does seem to regret it).

Just throwing the idea out there.
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  #13  
Old 05-09-2011, 08:34 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Do you view your relationship to them as poly, while they view it as sort of swinger-ish? Like you're just a "third" they "play" with, and not actually a living, breathing human being they are in a relationship with? It sounds that way. "Oh, our live sex toy isn't available, let's go find another!"
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  #14  
Old 05-11-2011, 07:06 PM
Eloise Eloise is offline
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I like to think about things a few days before I answer...
redpepper: "It sounds like the boundaries you have with them are not firm and need some clarification."
Originally, I was told my boundries and rules were too restrictive. So I relaxed them. That was my mistake.
And I did say it was okay for them to play with this specific couple. Since it was swinging they had to inform me and keep me in the loop. I learned from them they had thought of it as "sexy fun." I told them swinging was swinging.

So we will work on the boundries again, and if they think me too restrictive, they can take their leave, or they can use notecards to keep track.

Ivy: she is free to pursue whomever and whenever. Or she was. I put a halt to all swings and plays until this mess settled.

nycindie: she thinks of it as "MY husband and ME" and "My husband and her." I thought of it as a V. And so did he.
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  #15  
Old 05-12-2011, 02:14 AM
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drtalon drtalon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eloise View Post
I thought of it as a V. And so did he.
Just an observation, your earlier language was confusing for me... "my couple did this thing" does not sound like a "V" relationship to me.
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  #16  
Old 05-12-2011, 02:06 PM
Eloise Eloise is offline
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I'm not sure what you mean...is there something like an official Manual of Poly terms that I should be aware of?
I had been given to understand unicorns are single (uncoupled females) and one of the first responses on here was "you're not a unicorn because you're not bi." Now I'm being told it's confusing if I use "my couple" and describe it as a V... it's getting a bit bewildering.

Last edited by Eloise; 05-12-2011 at 02:10 PM.
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  #17  
Old 05-12-2011, 02:14 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eloise View Post
I'm not sure what you mean...is there something like an official Manual of Poly terms that I should be aware of?
I had been given to understand unicorns are single (uncoupled females) and one of the first responses on here was "you're not a unicorn because you're not bi." Now I'm being told it's confusing if I use "my couple" and describe it as a V... it's getting a bit bewildering.
Just for the sake of clear labeling.

Unicorn is an unattached, bi sexual hot babe who is interested in exclusivity with the couple.

A triad is a sexual/romantic relationship with both of the other members of the couple.

A V is a relationship with one member of the couple. In. That case you may be called a leg and the person with two relationships is the hinge.

It helps people, when trying to help you, to clearly understand the relationship structure
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  #18  
Old 05-12-2011, 03:36 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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It's confusing when you say "my couple" because for one thing, they are not "your" couple. They are "a" couple. And when you are priomarily involved with one of them and not the other, it is usually referred to as a "V"; when you are all three involved with each other more-or-less to the same extent (all have sex either in twosomes or threesomes, all feel "crushy" or "lovey" toward the other two people), then it is usually referred to as a "triad". Think of the shape of the letter V and the shape of a triangle. How are the two different
? There is no line connecting the two upper points of the V. That indicates bthat the two points of the V are not "in a relationship". Of course you ARE in a relationship to some extent because of your common partner - that is usually referred to as being "metamours".

It is really not that complicated. If you are passing organic chemistry, this stuff should be easy to understand, conceptually if not practically. You CAN tell the difference between a triangle and a two-sided angle? can you not? It's very similar to the difference between a triangle and a rectangle, N, or Z when describing the difference between a relationship with three peopleinvolved or a relationship with four people involved. All these terminologies came about to facilitate the description, not to hinder it. That is the reason we don't like to use any word we want to describe anything we want. It's like going into an ice-cream store and asking for "not chocolate" when you really want pistachio. You don't expect the employee to read your mind and figure out what you really want. You have to SAY "I would like a pistachio ice-cream cone" or you might end up with Strawberry. The same is when you're involved with a member of a couple but not the other member. Referring to the relationship as a "V" and calling them "my couple" is just going to confuse the fuck out of peeople who don't know you from a hole in the wall.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-12-2011 at 03:39 PM.
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  #19  
Old 05-12-2011, 10:15 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eloise View Post
I'm not sure what you mean...is there something like an official Manual of Poly terms that I should be aware of?
Glossary and Definitions

(a sticky at the top of the "New to Polamory" section)
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-12-2011 at 10:21 PM.
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  #20  
Old 05-12-2011, 10:19 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Glossary and Definitions

(a sticky at the top of the "New to Polamory" section) :
That's not "official" but it is constantly being added to.
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