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Old 05-11-2011, 01:52 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by StillaStudent View Post
I'd also like to mention something about the sex:

A lot of people on here I have read started out similarly to myself in allowing a spouse to sleep with someone else, with an emotional connection coming out unexpectedly.
Yes, I even started a thread on it yesterday, because it seems to be so common.


But I, and I'd be willing to bet many in my shoes, don't take issue with the emotion, but rather in that it rivals their established relationships.
Yes, in my first foray into poly 11 years ago, I didn't expect the intensity of the feelings my ex had for his new lover. And even though I knew I was still important to him, I was jealous of his strong desire to be with her, take her on romantic dates, etc. I really didn't have an understanding of NRE, and I regret that.

Last night she asked me if it'd be okay for her to sleep in his bed with him if I were to leave for a few days for whatever reason. I told her I wouldn't approve and she argued with me that I was being possessive... Thoughts on this?
Well yeah, you're being possessive. That's not necessarily a bad thing. You speak of making "demands" and also of caving to her demands, and then resenting it. It seems to me you both need to brush up on your communication skills, and learn to negotiate and compromise, and somehow learn to feel good with healthy boundaries. This current relationship is like a runaway train! Adding in he's living with you--sheesh! The pressure!

I end up relenting because she makes me feel guilty, as if I'm some possessive jerk who is infringing on her happiness. She was supposed to use condoms, and I let her talk me out of that. She was supposed to not let him finish off inside her and I let her talk me out of that.
Eek! Has he been tested? Fluid bonding is a very big deal. Takes a huge amount of trust.

For example, the other night she slept with him for an hour and a half. She didn't want to go that long I'm sure, but that's how long it took for him to get off. She comes upstairs, tired, and we can only do it for about 10 minutes because she's tired and sore (marked up with a hickey on her body). How is this not an attack on my alpha status?
Well, attack is a strong word (and frankly, 1 1/2 hours of sex play is pretty average as far as my preferences go... ). But anyway, it's not surprising she'd be tired after a session lasting that long... at least she got you off before falling asleep? You can always have a longer sex session the next day, right?

Seeing your partner marked with love bites by another can be slightly disturbing, but then again, it could also be a turn-on, seen from a different perspective. "My partner is so attractive, it's great that I am not alone in appreciating her beauty and charisma..." Now it's your turn to give her a lovebite he will see!
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62) loving Pixie (poly, F, 40) since January 2009, living together since 2013
Seeing Kahlo (polyish, M, 45)
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom/bf for 3+ years
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Old 05-11-2011, 03:25 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by StillaStudent View Post
Yet she always wants more. I end up relenting because she makes me feel guilty, as if I'm some possessive jerk who is infringing on her happiness. She was supposed to use condoms, and I let her talk me out of that. She was supposed to not let him finish off inside her and I let her talk me out of that. I just don't get how she cannot be happy with what she has. Most women would absolutely kill for what she has.

You're wife seems to have a bad case of "toddler"....me, me, me. From my perspective, you are in fact being walked all over and she is lucky to have achieved what she has. Time to stand your ground. She's pushed...maybe it's time to push back. If you are not happy with the situation, change it. Maybe that leads to a path with your wife, maybe not. But feeling cuckolded and getting a sore vagina and sexual scraps at the end of the night does not sound particularly enjoyable....especially when this guy has come into your house and you aren't happy with that.

What about him in all this??? I moved into Redpepper and her husband's house, but if my presence was causiing him stress or he didn't want me there, I woul pack and leave immediately. There is a level of childish selfishness in all this and I don't believe it is coming from you.

You say you love your wife less....I get this. Sometimes things come into our life that lessen the connection we have with people. I've felt that from time to time. I see it as a valid response to certain things. Have you explained this to her? I know it is hard to accept for some people but this does happen. People always say you can't falling in love with someone..well on the flip side you can't control falling out of love as well. The thing is, when you are in love with some one you can overcome or tolerate a lot more stuff than you can when you aren't. When you love some one it is a powerfull bond which holds you together in times of struggle without the need for external glue such as houses, kids, retirement and debt. When you aren't in love, that external glue is the only thing that does hold you together. Too many people are trapped in that situation. It's no way to live a healthy sustained life in my opinion.

If you are going to give this a shot...you definitely need stronger boundaries and a schedule that works for both of you. That should include sex/sleeping nights if there is a heavy, and unwanted, imbalance.

As far as your ego goes...and ego is a factor to most men...that is something you need to work on for yourself. If you stay on this course you will need to be confident and tough with respect to how your friends will view you in a lot of cases. In my case it required shutting out a lot of old friends but the ones I have made since are people who will always be there.

Good luck

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Monogamy might just be in my genes

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