Looking for some direction

[redpepper]

You know that saying "if you love someone, set them free. If they were meant to be they will come back to you?" Or something like that. In poly relationships this totally applies I think.

The biggest gift PN gave me in our marriage was to accept and allow in his heart, my freedom to be who I am regardless of what agenda he had for us. Or what agenda our society has for us. It came back to him, our child, to mono to everyone we know really in the form of more love etc. The love abounds if you set it free. Much like the sex that can also abound when one opens their relationship up.

[GroundedSpirit]

[QUOTE=charmcityalum;80821]..........

My wife and I are just like any married couple. We laugh and argue, we pay bills, we raise our child, in other words we go through the stresses of life together. When my wife goes out on "dates" with another man it's all cherries and roses. I worry that eventually that relationship would be more appealing because it doesn't face the stresses ours does.
[quote]

Awwww - let's give your wife credit for being a bit more mature than THAT - shall we ?
I think we all know we can't be on vacation , eat at the best restaurants etc all the time - right ?

A little positive in our lives generally makes things better. Same thing here. I'm sure she's mature enough to realize this too.

As others have (or will) mention, in the early phase (NRE) people can act pretty......what word shall we use ? But that will pass. Just hang in there and giggle when appropriate.

Originally Posted by charmcityalum

I also am not comfortable with my wife taking time away from our life together and devoting that time to another relationship.

Now, now, let's not be greedy shall we ? <grin>
A little "me" time is important to all of us in relationships. Hopefully you have some of this too. Time you spend doing things only you enjoy. This is part of the reason the time we DO spend with our loves becomes more valued. If we have too much of it we start to lose appreciation for it - right ?

Originally Posted by charmcityalum

I worry that my wife may one day walk in the door and say she is maddly in love with another man and she wants to go be with that man.

If that actually happened, you never had much of a relationship anyway - did you ? Do you feel you have a 'relationship' or a pet you own ?

Originally Posted by charmcityalum

........ What is the reward that makes these risks worth it. When we decided to swing it was to enhance our relationship. The payoff was that it was hot to think and talk about each other having sex with someone else and we had incredibly hot sex because of it. From where I'm standing my wife falling in love with someone else does nothing for our relationship.

The reward ? How about respect for starters. What statement are you making to her by trusting her ? Trusting in the truth of your relationship.
What statement would you be making if you react poorly, try to forbid or discourage this etc.
You seem like a bright guy - YOU figure it out
What statement to you want to make ?

Originally Posted by charmcityalum

In my mind when I agreed to let my wife have a "boyfriend" the payoff was I could have a "girlfriend" which is why I say we have a lot riding on me finding a secondary.

Hmmmm.........always a 'payoff' eh.
Have you ever done something good for someone else "just because" ? Because it was the right thing to do ? Because it would make THEM feel good ? Or do you always collect in advance ?


It's ok.....breath deep.

GS