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  #131  
Old 05-11-2011, 12:10 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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I still come here... Just don't have much to say anymore.
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  #132  
Old 05-13-2011, 03:07 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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I'm wondering why I have to be the one to defend myself, to apologize for saying my feelings out loud. I say them with as much care as I can, but it's still not good enough. Why is it me that's wrong? It doesn't matter what I say, it's always the wrong thing.
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  #133  
Old 05-14-2011, 02:21 AM
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"Always" the wrong thing? Now you know that's not true -- I've heard you say some wonderful things! And I have also observed you and Beo in synch with each other. So I'm thinking you're just in a low place? And why doesn't Beo have much to say anymore? Looked on his blog and he hasn't written in awhile. Please don't leave us! I could really relate to a lot of what you two have been going thru. Just remember you aren't alone. Sending hugs and encouragement your way .
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  #134  
Old 05-14-2011, 02:32 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
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He doesn't feel like he's making any progress, talking about it or not talking about it. He understands the concept of Poly, but he can't seem to stop being illogical when he thinks about it. It's always negative thoughts. He gets angry, depressed.... and this is without any active poly going on. This is just the IDEA of poly.

Every time we start to have a conversation, if I keep reassuring him, which I have been doing, it never gets through his head. If I tell him how I feel, it's always taken the wrong way, negatively of course.

We went from having very good communication (pre-poly), to have a surge of incredible mind blowing communication.... I was so happy that I had this amazing connection with my hubby and we could discuss everything with no judgements... to BAM. Nothing. Communication ends negatively, no matter how positive it started. Every time I keep thinking we might be making some progress, he spirals down into this depressive pissed off state, which is not like him.

It's like nothing I can say or do has a positive outcome. I just keep my mouth shut, and try and do everything I can to make this all easier for him, because I know it's hard. But I'm getting exhausted from the lack of progress.
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  #135  
Old 05-14-2011, 03:55 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hmm, Jen, I wonder if he's been influenced by someone whom perhaps he confided in, and the response was nasty, judgmental shit? It sounds like he's been poisoned against poly from the outside. have you asked him if anyone he's been around has said anything? Has there been any family weirdness directed your or his way? Judgments can do a lot of harm. It could be worth looking into.
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  #136  
Old 05-14-2011, 01:16 PM
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MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
I still come here... Just don't have much to say anymore.
Hey, Beo!
Don't sink into the swamp, Man! Don't bottle all this up. It's positive to get things off your chest, even if it's uncomfortable at the time. [But I'm glad to read that you're keeping an eye on this thread.]

I want to ask you a question. Jen writes:
Quote:
We went from having very good communication (pre-poly), to have a surge of incredible mind blowing communication.... I was so happy that I had this amazing connection with my hubby and we could discuss everything with no judgements... to BAM. Nothing.
Do YOU see it like that? Do you feel that your communication with Jen / sex-life with her / marriage in general actually IMPROVED [for a while] after the polyamory cards were laid on the table?

I ask you this because
a) if it IS true, wouldn't you like to get back to that improvement?
b) if it ISN'T true, you and Jen need to start communicating with each other better. Have a close look [both of you] at Ariakas' signature. I LOVE that quote from Shaw! I don't want to give you the impression that I'm a total drug fiend but here comes my 2nd drug-related comment on this thread:

A few friends of mine (DECADES ago) all took some LSD on the Scottish coast. After a few hours, when one of them [D] returned from a long walk along the beach, I asked her how it had gone. "AMAZING!!! Even though we split up physically, A, B, and I [D] have been in constant CONTACT, you know? Perfect communication even though we were physically far apart!"
When A and B returned, I asked them about this amazing communication / connection that had been going on between the 3 of them. It was complete news to THEM...

If Jen was on some amazing high in that "surge of incredible mind blowing communication" while you were undergoing torture, I think that the two of you need to talk about that.

I'd like to hope that a) is true, and that you want to recapture that [natural] high with Jen.

As always, all the best to both of you!
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  #137  
Old 05-15-2011, 07:52 PM
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NYC -- great question. I know Sundance and I have struggled with this, ourselves. Other people's opinions/judgements, as well as the old voice of "Societal Norms" in our heads, haunting us, saying we are crazy and what were we thinking? Sundance has had lots of backslides and I think this is a big part of it.

MrF -- good food for thought, too! We have had our ups and downs, and I too have asked my husband, "Don't you remember how it was when we first started this? Didn't you feel it was worth trying? Didn't we have our high moments?"
-- Plus, I love your shout out to Beo Good to see someone reaching out to him.

Hugs, Jen. I know you're going through a tough time.
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  #138  
Old 05-18-2011, 01:01 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Nobody "poisoned" me against poly early on. I just didn't yet fully realize what it meant to me. I really only started talking to other people after I started feeling like I couldn't be accepting of poly.

I definitely enjoyed the closeness that was there at the beginning, and the communication. I just didn't like the reason for it. All that went through my head was that it wasn't me making her happy, since all these changes came about when J came into the picture. So there was definitely some bitterness there. I think that was probably the start of the downfall, when it occurred to me that it wasn't me making her happy like that.


But, I've been feeling better this week. Just thinking about poly doesn't make me get all ticked off, so that's a start... I've been trying to be more receptive to what Jen says also, instead of shutting it all out
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  #139  
Old 05-18-2011, 07:51 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Beo, it is good to hear from you.

When you find yourself focusing on whether or not you are making her happy, and the idea that you should be the sole source of her happiness, just try to remember that we are all each responsible for our own happiness. It isn't up to anyone but ourselves to make us happy. Jen's happiness doesn't solely rest on you, and your happiness isn't contingent upon her. So, having more than one love in her life simply means that that enables Jen to best express who she is, which brings her happiness. It's not the people that "make" her happy - it is the freedom to satisfy a need to be herself.
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  #140  
Old 05-26-2011, 01:01 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I agree with Cindie here... and in fact, Beo, you "make" her happy by allowing her the freedom to be herself.

Lots of things probably "make" her happy that have little or nothing to do with you. Are you jealous of them? For example, here are things that "make" me happy that have nothing to do with a partner.

Good food
Good wine
A sunny day outdoors
My job taking care of infant twins
My favorite TV show
When the Red Sox won the Championship
How my apartment looks after I do a good cleanup
Music
Dancing with friends
IMing with my sister
Christmas Eve

You get the picture, I hope. Just because another person (or activity) is making her happy doesn't make you lesser. Life's a banquet. There are lots of things that make life worth living. One person and one person only can not "make" another person happy 24/7. If she were to die tomorrow, would you never be happy again? My dad depended on my mom to "make" him happy and he's been depressed for 3 years since she died. Is that healthy? IMO, no.

NRE can make a person feel like their love object is the be-all and end-all of happiness, excitement and perfection. This is idealization. It fades once you spend enough time with someone and start to see their all-too-human faults and unpleasant quirks.
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