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Old 05-08-2011, 08:36 AM
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Masquerade78 Masquerade78 is offline
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Question So much love to give, it doesn't fit into one pot

Intro : I'm 33 yrs, married for almost 8 years, with two beautiful daughters.

How it evolved : I will just jump straight in and explain that after several years of enjoying online fun and flirting, my husband realised his cuckold fantasies and he loved the thought of me being pleasured by someone else. About a year after discussing this, I ended up having a one-night stand with a work colleague after a party, with hubby there and it was amazing. It brought us much closer together and we knew this extra-curricular activity was something we wanted to explore.

My husband is totally mono and whilst any many could fantasise about being with someone else, this isn't something that he currently is interested in. It was the idea of me effectively swinging or having a FWB situation and him being present that we have been looking for since.

I got chatting with a male friend of a friend and we have had two amazing nights, but whilst he has a great personality, I'm not physically attracted to him and just don't wish to continue with it on that basis, because I need to feel chemistry. I am flirtatious in nature and enjoy the banter and attention from other people, but it cuts deeper than that.

Since March this year, an amazing, younger male friend from work and I have kissed, he's been to our house for two awesome evenings and we have shared fun times, slow meaningful sex and the chemistry between us is electric.

I have absolutely no wish to hurt my husband, I love him no less, I don't wish to replace him and I feel I probably want to have my cake and eat it. My husband is feeling understandably out of the picture, because the fast passionate fucking that he gets a kick out of isn't happening and we are effectively making love. I haven't said to my friend that I love him and neither has he, but I could easily see this happening and my husband can visibly see that we are falling for each other and he asked if we pulled the plug, would I continue and have an affair. I have no wish to be deceitful or cause hurt and would not continue behind his back as this can only work with his consent, trust and awareness.

I'm a very attentive, loving person and I feel complete with what is going on with my friend but I can't be selfish and want all this at the risk of hurting my husband.

I have explained to my friend that I am in no way stopping him from finding someone else and whilst it will be hard when he does, I am happy to be a gap-filler until he finds someone who can commit to him.

In my mind, it's feasible to love them both but I'm holding back. Thoughts, comments, warnings all welcomed! Thank you for reading x
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Old 05-08-2011, 08:59 AM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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Hi Masquerade78,

I get surprised by people's naivity that it's OK for their partners to sleep with others, but by no means get emotionally involved at all. I understand that this might happen at times, but it's also equally possible that emotions do get involved. Perhaps it's even inevitable eventually considering that the act of sex is one fraught with the possibility of connection...

It would therefore seem unfair to me for him to suddenly want to pull the plug on things when it's been OK for him up to this point. Suddenly now it's not OK for him, but he has been the one prepared for you to play with fire so to speak. I imagine it would be heart-breaking to a degree to call things off when you are getting emotionally involved now, and that's not even considering the other guys emotions too...

I can understand that as you get emotionally involved with someone else it is difficult for your husband and more than he bargained for, but he has been keen for this process to start and needs to consider both your and the other person now that things are rolling...

There may be scope to slow down to allow your husband time to work through stuff, but in my opinion, it would be unfair for him now to demand that you stop simply because emotions are now involved. In someways, what did he expect?...
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Old 05-08-2011, 04:14 PM
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Masquerade78 Masquerade78 is offline
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I think the key thing is that my husband and I wanted different things out of this from the outset. We are communicating openly and honestly and I am totally recognising his feelings. He loves me so much and wants me to be happy, so he is not asking me to stop - I just need to be fully aware of how I would feel in his position. I am trying to make sense of my feelings and work out what it is I really want, causing no hurt and being honest all the way x
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Old 05-09-2011, 01:10 AM
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You needed/wanted connection with a different man than your husband and he wanted to watch you have nasty sex with someone else. It sounds like you both knew this ahead of time. Thing is that nasty sex that is watched by others gets old pretty quick for the ones having the sex. At least for me it did and from what I have heard, for others too.

Usually the people having the sex either have no connection and move on or have a connection and want passion and alone time. Trouble is that for the one watching, they are shit out of luck with the second scenario. The first one means moving on to another nasty fuck, so all is good for them. The second usually means an end to all of it. Love happnes, NRE happens, a desire to settle in and a lack of desire for new nasty fuck buddies. In fact it can become almost disgusting to think that that was even desirable at one point! Yup, such is love/NRE.

It might take some time to adjust. I don't suggest telling your partner that you are good if he go find someone else to fuck. I don't suggest promoting that at all.

I would suggest holding him tight, telling him you love him, telling him things are changing and that you fully intend to explore this with him. That is if you are up for that. Make sure you keep your NRE at bay when you are with him and arrange some fantastically fun things to do with him. Show him you are committed but intend to have your own life and that might include this other guy.

Have a read around here for more, or ask more questions. You have started a journey it seems and it could be great, but by the looks of things could take you in a different direction tham you've been on.
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Old 05-09-2011, 09:11 PM
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"Thing is that nasty sex that is watched by others gets old pretty quick for the ones having the sex. At least for me it did and from what I have heard, for others too."

That's exactly where I am at. My husband has no qualms about letting me have nasty sex with multiple guys, passing me around among all of his friends. And sure, at first there was an element of excitement. But I'm over it too, because it's kind of played out -- I'm tired of putting on a show for his gratification, I want some connection, I want it to be about ME and what I want sometimes, and that involves a connection. However, at the first hint at any emotional connection -- a penpal of mine that I have a lot in common with, even -- he gets insanely jealous and acts all possessive and like THAT is crossing the line.

We, like it sounds like the two of you, wanted different things. I am going to communicate openly and honestly with my husband, as you have with yours, and be just as considerate of his feelings and hope it works out as well for me as I'm sure it will for you. Thanks for posting, I'm so encouraged by your story and wish you all the best!!!!
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Old 05-09-2011, 11:48 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PixieChick View Post
That's exactly where I am at. My husband has no qualms about letting me have nasty sex with multiple guys, passing me around among all of his friends. And sure, at first there was an element of excitement. But I'm over it too, because it's kind of played out -- I'm tired of putting on a show for his gratification, I want some connection, I want it to be about ME and what I want sometimes, and that involves a connection. However, at the first hint at any emotional connection -- a penpal of mine that I have a lot in common with, even -- he gets insanely jealous and acts all possessive and like THAT is crossing the line.
Not saying you being passed around is right or wrong.. or anything..

I will comment that some people fear the intimate emotional connection and some fear the sexual connection while others fear both.

He may be terrified of your emotionally cross the line and never coming back to him.

While this forum doesn't represent the mentality at all.. fucking is much easier for the average person than love. I sometimes think people forget this "love bubble" is actually pretty small.
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I sometimes think people forget this "love bubble" is actually pretty small.
I think it has gotten smaller actually because so many people think porn is the same thing. Sorry, another story, but I have been reading about what porn has done to people sense of closeness, love and sex within it. Passing women around as if they are objects to masturbate into is part of that... and becoming more of what both sexes think is love. Some peoples description of their poly is not helping this I don't think. It's causing people to get fucked up about love and sex. Hyjack, I know, I just find it so interesting.
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Old 05-10-2011, 05:34 AM
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Masquerade78 Masquerade78 is offline
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God, this is all so encouraging - daily, I'm re-finding myself, questioning myself, being so self-aware and yet so aware of the feelings involved in this. I do hope PixieChick that it works out for you too - let's keep talking if you're happy to.

At the end of the day, the beginning of the day and throughout - we are only human. What is conventional and accepted by "the norm" isn't necessarily what HAS to suit us.

Life is far too short to be held back by traditional acceptance. Acceptance I think is a key word - feel the fear and do it anyway. Yes it is all scary but talk talk talk to all parties involved - that's what is helping me right now.

I'm reassuring my husband I'm not going to leave him. I'm taking it for what it is with my friend - this is the here and now - it may not be forever, but it feels so right just now.

Listen to the lyrics of Newton Faulkner - If this is it.

Hope we can talk more and thank you to others posting on this thread - it's all good good good to read x
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Old 05-10-2011, 07:53 AM
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If I were in love, I would rather see my partner loved by someone else and treated with respect and tenderness, and acknowledged as the beautiful human being I know they are, rather than being used as a disposable, convenient fuck toy. Maybe you could express that to your husband, then he might be able to see things from a different perspective.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-10-2011 at 07:58 AM.
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Old 05-10-2011, 09:48 AM
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Masquerade78 Masquerade78 is offline
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"If I were in love, I would rather see my partner loved by someone else and treated with respect and tenderness, and acknowledged as the beautiful human being I know they are, rather than being used as a disposable, convenient fuck toy."

Thank you nycindie x I think he does acknowledge this but we're in the realms of me ensuring that he knows that this isn't at the expense of him losing me, but is in addition to the love that we share.

I'm also fiercely aware that I don't want to hurt him and I'm feeling guilty for emotions toward another man, but it seems to be better to be honest and accept that these feelings exist, rather than try to bury them x
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