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  #11  
Old 10-01-2009, 08:04 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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What does it mean "to cyber"?

I've never heard that term used as a verb before.

Is is short for "having cyber-sex", like talking dirty, only with text messages?

Or does it mean something else, and if so, what?

I don't like that term "cyber-sex" because it sounds like something the Borg Collective does. Kind of like a "furrie-fetish" only with robots and androids.

It actually sort of describes the relationship I have with my Hitachi vibrator.
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  #12  
Old 10-01-2009, 08:04 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by Tech View Post
and the "caught up in the moment" reason is probably the best I've heard. Their NRE is intense, and they find it difficult to control themselves, I can sympathize, but it also makes me jealous of what they have.

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This is fine if you learn from it and don't repeat it. That is the benefit of making mistakes. They teach us about ourselves if we choose to learn from them. The key is to chose to learn from them and not start a perpetual cycle.
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  #13  
Old 10-01-2009, 08:49 PM
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Bowvine Bowvine is offline
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Well she says she was 'moved' to do it. However, she knew what she had told me prior, as in, they were not even dating at the time. I read this informative link I found in the general discussion forum about cheating in a poly relationship. It talked about getting "caught up" in the moment, but how humans have the power to control their actions. It also talks about owning ones actions, in this case, she hasn't done that.

She withheld the information to protect her own feelings. If she wanted to protect mine, and cared about how I felt, she would have been honest from the start and she wouldn't have gone down on the guy. That's how I feel. I don't think my feelings were considered in this, and that seems to be the problem along with feeling lied to... I'm not sure where it is going to go from here. We're going to counseling tomorrow, hopefully we can actually cover some ground.
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  #14  
Old 10-01-2009, 09:13 PM
Tech Tech is offline
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
What does it mean "to cyber"?
Well, the way I was using it is that since they are in different states, one of the only ways they can be "intimate" together while apart is to tell each other what they'd like to do if they were together, talk dirty, moan, get off and help each other get off best they can. Anyways, that's what I was referring to, hope it clarifies.


Yes Mono, completely agree that it is something to learn from and not repeat over and over and ask forgiveness over and over, that's not a growing relationship.


Bowvine, all your points are very valid as they have to do with feelings of betrayal, promises broken, etc. I'm not familiar yet with the "rules" of cheating in a poly relationship, but if it feels wrong to you, then it probably needs to be discussed with the group. You (as I find myself in the same situation) will probably be the one trying to slow down the intimacy and physicality of their relationship if for no other reason than to ensure that it is based on love rather than sex. And they need to listen, respect and discuss this with you, not just go off at their own pace.
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  #15  
Old 10-01-2009, 09:50 PM
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ourquad ourquad is offline
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I'm sorry but I do not think "caught up in the moment" is an excuse. I've been on the recieving end of that and it was bullshit. I could get caught up in a moment but I do not but myself in a position that has the potential to lead to crossing boundaries that have been set. I try to put myself in the other's person's postion more than most do. I think that is because of all the wrongs that were done to me in the beginning of this relationship. I will tell you that one of the absolutely biggest hurts I've been dealt was form the three of them together and they used this excuse. Yet two of the three will tell you that I entered their heads more than once while doing what they did. Tells me they knew they shouldn't be doing what they were.

Enough of that. Other than to say...the two that thought of me and will admit they knew at the time I would be hurt, have since asked for forgiveness. The third, well, she has tried to make my pain somehow reflect that I was treating her wrongly. Kitten never likes to be held accountable and will always try to make something about her.

Then there's the fact that she lied to you. Ok, she did this. But when you asked her, she denied it. A lie is one of the worst things you can do to me. And lies of omission can be just as bad. Some people just do not like to admit they are lies as well.

No remorse...to me that means she would be willing to cross boundaries again for her own pleasure regardless of how it will make you feel.

I'm sorry to be so harsh. Counseling is probably your best option here. Thankfully, you are going to seek that out. I wish you luck. I will tell you that the issues you are facing are not due to being poly. They are issues faced in monogamous relationships as well. They could be described, I guess, as personality issues.

Again, good luck and let us know how things are going.

Vol
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  #16  
Old 10-01-2009, 09:54 PM
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I'm sorry but I do not think "caught up in the moment" is an excuse. I've been on the recieving end of that and it was bullshit.
Nicely put!
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  #17  
Old 10-02-2009, 12:56 PM
secondchance secondchance is offline
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OP - "Protecting your feelings" is one of the first ways a relationship can go wrong, IMO. I'm sorry to say this and it is only my opinion... but also, this is a recent thing for you guys, and maybe you can still make the relationship work. If you really think you could make this work then I think it is a good thing you are going to counseling. I wish you the best of luck.

Last edited by secondchance; 10-02-2009 at 01:03 PM.
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  #18  
Old 10-06-2009, 04:01 PM
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Bowvine Bowvine is offline
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Thank you for all your support and responses. Much appreciated.

We had our first counseling session and I've been doing a ton of soul searching around all this. My partner maintains that she did not act in deceptive, at least not intentionally. I was asked by the therapist to do some thinking on if I can actually be in a poly relationship. I do believe in myself and that I am able to do this. I actually sat down with the guy my partner is seeing for dinner last night. It was a good experience as we were able to gain some perspective and address some concerns. Very respectful. As it turns out, I have a bit in common with this fellow, which is not too surprising since I'm in love with the woman he is interested in.

The problem seems to be the way in which this was handled by my partner. She is on the defensive and extremely accusatory at the moment. I can empathize with her feeling a little cornered, but I have my own feelings around it.

Like I told the other guy, my main concern is I do not want to lose what I share with her, however, I need to take care of myself as well. It was her desire to open the relationship so I had a lot of homework to do around my feelings and prior programming. It seems though, she wants a poly relationship, but does not want to invest the effort to work through the difficulties that arise.

As it is now, I've been able to step out of my comfort zone, be honest not just with myself, but with the others involved. I've connected on a higher level with two completely new people and I feel that my communication skills and method of handling uncomfortable feelings are maturing.

Even though things are rocky at the moment, I really feel like this is possible and that beautiful possibilities are endless if the effort is made to make things work.

Things right now, are up in the air, as far as my partner and I staying together. She has some unaddressed issues that aren't things I have done, though she blames me for them being brought up in all of this. Nonetheless, I appreciate the feedback and for the read from all of you.
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  #19  
Old 10-06-2009, 06:51 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Nothing like poly to dredge up EVERYTHING! Unfortunately she will have to expect more of the same until all the work is done. There is no way around it, she has to go right through it and deal.

It sounds like you are strong and learning some amazing things for yourself. Isn't it great. It feels so good to be on top of your game, learning, growing, really living! I'm happy for you as I know how wonderful that feels to be riding high and standing proud for all you have accomplished.

If your relationship does end, you will have grown and will be ready for something better. If it doesn't, with this new way of being and your new strength, you will have an even richer relationship for it. Provided she does the work too that is.
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